Should I tell her?


#1

I’ve come to share the story of my life :rolleyes:

Long story short, I’m roughly 47 days away from giving birth to a BEAUTIFUL baby boy whom I am already madly in love with. :love:

Unfortunately I am not married but this pregnancy has been a blessing in that it help separate me from a not-so-nice situation. AND brought me closer to Jesus :extrahappy:

It appears as if the father of this child does not have interest in being in his life. We haven’t spoken in roughly two months. However I just recently in the past week tried to get a hold of him because I need information from him so our son can have health insurance. The father refuses to speak to me.

I spoke to his mom last night 'cause I was trying to call him at home. He wasn’t in so she said she would let him know that I called.

I realized after speaking to her that she still doesn’t know that I am pregnant. :confused:

So FINALLY my question is, should I let her know that she has a grandson on the way?

I’m kinda torn (been torn actually) about this whole dilemna. I don’t want to start drama, shoot, i am DONE with drama. But I mean, this child is her grandson. And this lady is my child’s grandmother. It just doesn’t seem right to keep this hush hush.

But then again, I’m worried about possible outcomes of me telling her. Earlier on in the pregnancy when me and the child’s father were talking (and trying to work on a co-parenting plan…well at least I was trying…), he kept putting it off saying things like “i will tell her when I have a job…” He was worried about her possibly kicking him out of the house or something to that effect. If something major like that were to happen, I worry it might push him over the edge and make him do something drastic (either to himself or someone else, like me :blush:)…He’s never physically harmed me before, and he wont come to my house cause he’s afraid of my parents (Daddy especially :p), but I mean keep in mind this guy ain’t very emotionally stable…

Or it could be extreme in another sense. His mom and sister may try and bully him into sticking around. The LAST thing I want is for him to be involved in our son’s life just because he feels pressured to. Our son deserves better than that. Any child deserves wayy more than that. Again, the pressure may cause him to “act out” and cause a lot of grief :frowning:

All I want to do is make the best choices that I can for my baby boy. I kinda sense that God may be trying to tell me something. Liike, maybe I should let it be and move on with my life. But I second-guess myself soo I don’t know if my mind is just making that up or if the Holy Spirit is really prompting me. All I know is that I should be patient and act slowly.

Do any of you have practical advice to give??

(Oh and as a side note, I want you guys to know that I am praying for you all. I keep seeing WAYY too many sad & scary threads. You all deserve to live much happier and fulfilling lives. Remember that Jesus is always by your side :))

God bless,
Jennifer


#2

Yes, of course you should tell her. The beautiful life and plan of God inside your body is not something to hide!

I will pray for you. I wish I could offer more at this time, please know you remain in my most special prayers and wishing you peace as you venture out into this new phase of your life. I will also pray for the baby’s father and the grandparents.


#3

Here’s my take on it:

If you want the father and his family to be part of your child’s life, then you should tell them.

If you want to put your relationship with your baby’s father behind you and move in a more positive direction in your life, then keep it to yourself, at least for the time being.

Mothers-in-law are bad enough when you are married to their sons and intending to make a go of it. Who knows what Pandora’s box you would be opening, by revealing the fact that you are bearing her grandson, but you want as little as possible to do with her son.


#4

I don’t think you should tell him.

I hate to say this, but as an adult, it’s an adults world. I don’t think you should be the one to tell her.

Maybe he needs this to wake up. Pray for him, but I think it isn’t your place.

God bless you for finding Jesus!

(and, as the child of a single mom who choose life, THANK YOU :slight_smile: )


#5

You were trying to get info so your baby could have insurance right. This is important. If you are planning on applying for any gov’t benefits, all you need is an address or phone number. They will take care of the rest. The father needs to take responsibility for his child. He needs to pay child support, your son deserves this.

She will find out eventually :shrug: I don’t know if you should be the one to tell her, but if you feel you and her have a good relationship you could maybe let it slip WHY you need to talk to him, might be better than finding out when the court order shows up at the house demanding a DNA sample and child support.


#6

If it was my grandchild I would want to know and would help anyway I could.But I don’t know this lady so I won’t attempt to give advice.I will be praying for you,Rocky.


#7

Speaking as a grandmother, I would say yes, tell this woman she has a grandchild on the way. I can’t imagine any greater torment than finding out too late that I had a grandchild I never knew. Even if this situation is complicated by her son’s misbehavior, she has her own relationship with her grandchild, and I think she deserves to know it, and to have a chance to develop a loving relationship.

Another factor you did not mention- does she have other grandchildren? Her attitude toward them would also be a factor in deciding whether to tell her.


#8

It would be a great blessing to her to know she has a grandchild. She also might help you (with babysitting and such). I’d tell her.


#9

Make sure you are stable in your own right before you bring any new people into your circle. Is your mom supportive? Tossing in a whole new charge of dynamics will be very hard for you as you adjust to mommyhood. I would wait. Let him tell her or invite her to see baby when you are comfortable with your parenting and can relax around her without second guessing yourself. Yes she should know eventually, but give yourself time, and prayer. Thank you for giving this child YOUR very best. He deserves it. Let him grow letting Grandpa show him how to be a loving man.


#10

Ditto - this seems reasonable given the situation you explained


#11

I think you should tell her.

#1. If I were the parents I’d like to know that I’m now a grandparent, if the son doesn’t want the baby to be in his life, maybe they do. I think they have a right to be in the baby’s life.

#2. Maybe they can help you out financially if you need it. Think about how baby food, diapers, toys, etc. Maybe they would like to help you out? Or even babysit once in a while.

#3. They might be able to talk some sense into their son about being in the babys life. Every child deserves a father figure.

Be sure to find out about the health insurance. The baby needs insurance whether or not the father speaks to you.
Make sure his name is on the birth certificate stating that he is the father.
Collect child support from him to ensure that the child has enough for food, shelter, clothing, etc.

God bless you and your child:)


#12

There are too many unknowns here for you to decide right now.

If he wanted her to know, she would know already. You’ve already seen how he treats his own mother… not giving her information that is important and that she has a right to know. (That could have been you as his wife being kept in the dark. “Just when were you planning on telling me you lost your job, dear?” “When were you going to tell me we owed $5,000 in back real estate taxes?” “When were you going to tell me your girlfriend at the office is pregnant?”)

The thing is, you have no idea what new motherhood is like. The hormones, the sleepless nights, the changes, the fatigue, the post partum recovery. You need to get that done and over with before you introduce more stress into your life. Because right now you don’t need to be slapped with court papers demanding you give him weekend visitations or his mother demands grandparent rights.

If she ends up at your doorstep demanding to know why she wasn’t told, you put the ball back in her court and say her son was adamant he would tell her in his own time. And you were trying to respect his wishes.

But right now, I’d just concentrate on the next two months and take care of YOU and not worry about the woman who has raised this jerk. She may or may not be helpful. Since you don’t know that right now, err on the side of caution and postpone dragging more people and their emotions into this emotional powder keg.

That’s not to say someday you wont’ tell her or let her see the baby. But right now is not the time for that drama.

He’s put you through enough drama. And it’s only the strength of YOUR character that has made it so this baby is even about to be born. So you be good to you and don’t waste your time worrying about those other people.

You have a lot to be proud of how you’ve handled all this. Trying to get counselling…he’s had a million chances to do the right thing.

He didn’t want to. Someday his mother can hear the truth. But right now is not the time.


#13

Mommamia:

You were trying to get info so your baby could have insurance right. This is important. If you are planning on applying for any gov’t benefits, all you need is an address or phone number. They will take care of the rest. The father needs to take responsibility for his child. He needs to pay child support, your son deserves this.

She will find out eventually I don’t know if you should be the one to tell her, but if you feel you and her have a good relationship you could maybe let it slip WHY you need to talk to him, might be better than finding out when the court order shows up at the house demanding a DNA sample and child support.

This was part of the concern too, that she’s gonna find out when the state tries to contact them. I’m not close to her or anything but I could call her up again and let her know…I still need to pray about this though.

RSD:

Another factor you did not mention- does she have other grandchildren? Her attitude toward them would also be a factor in deciding whether to tell her.

She has other grandkids but they live in another state. I know she likes kids but I don’t know how she is with them. I don’t think it would be a problem to (at the least) bring the baby over and visit, invite her to birthday parties, etc. However, the thought of leaving my child alone in that household makes me feel a bit uncomfortable…

mommybug47:

Make sure you are stable in your own right before you bring any new people into your circle. Is your mom supportive? Tossing in a whole new charge of dynamics will be very hard for you as you adjust to mommyhood. I would wait…

My mom has probably been the most supportive person in this whole situation. :slight_smile: I should probably thank her more than I do. And my dad is super excited to have a little boy around even though he wont admit it (he had 7 girls:o). I am glad that you brought up that I should make sure I am stable because I wasn’t really thinking about that. There’s so much to prepare for in my life right now…but I guess I just feel bad that it has gotten this far without her knowing.

HyeDetroit:

#3. They might be able to talk some sense into their son about being in the babys life. Every child deserves a father figure.

Be sure to find out about the health insurance. The baby needs insurance whether or not the father speaks to you.
Make sure his name is on the birth certificate stating that he is the father.
Collect child support from him to ensure that the child has enough for food, shelter, clothing, etc.

bolded emphasis mine.
You may be right, that his family may be able to talk some sense into him. However, I feel doubtful. He has already received valuable advice from our pregnancy counselor, a therapist, and even a priest. After receiving advice from the counselor, he refused to continue seeing her because she “offended” him. He basically finds a way to ignore any type of advice he gets. But who knows, maybe his family will be different…

His mom and sister’s idea of “talking sense” though is using a lot of harsh criticism and nagging behavior. Which probably has a lot to do with why he is the way he is nowadays. His dad has been out of the picture all of his life so there’s no fatherly influence going on here.

I would totally put his name on the birth certificate (cause it’s the right thing to do) except in my state, I can’t do that unless he is present to sign the birth certificate. Otherwise I gotta go the route of getting a DNA test done.

Thank you all for your advice and prayers :slight_smile:


#14

Liberano, I think you have offered me some very good advice. Right this minute I don’t want to make any decisions (too tired, gotta get up early tomorrow:o), but you’ve helped me remember that I am going to be in a fragile state postpartum. I have a feeling my mom would suggest the same thing. (She’s at work so I can’t ask her now.)
But anyway thanks for your wonderful wisdom again. God has blessed you :wink:
I have been kind of mad the past couple days. Mad that my child may miss out on having a father because his father just doesn’t care enough. Mad that I have no control over it. Mad that I am even mad about it. But I have been feeling much better today. I would rather be happy than be mad over him. God is carrying me, I am carrying a sweet little baby and yeahh there really isn’t much I can complain about after that :slight_smile:


#15

As a man who has been in a very similar, if not almost exact situation, I would like to share some views.

It’s not so much I didn’t want to tell my parents. Well, I didn’t, I was terrified what they’d say or do. I was almost two years out of grad school. I’d moved back in not long after graduating, and was taking my time moving out again. Long story. But when the woman went to my mother and told her about the situation, I was naturally mortified, and I felt as though she had violated the relationship I had with my mother. After my parents grew to accept the situation though, they were very helpful. and they, and everyone I spoke with about it (which weren’t many people) encouraged me to be involved in the life of my daughter. I should say, I was fairly adamant about not being involved in order not to be involved with the mother. I knew it had been a bad situation, and I wanted no part in the bad. It took me almost a year for me to realize that it was better for me to be involved in the life of this beautiful child, but I’m very glad I am now a part of my daughter’s life. She’s almost three now, and I miss her every day I don’t see her.

Did it help that she went directly to my mother? Maybe. It probably mostly hurt my ego. I don’t think it can hurt too much to tell her. The ‘right time’ is an elusive concept, and there will always be reasons not to approach her and share your joy. My mom has turned out to be a tremendous support. Of course, you never know how it will turn out, but she will find out anyway, and it’s probably better to attempt to grow some type of relationship than not.

I will continue to pray things turn out well for you, Jennifer! and I only request you do the same for me.

God bless you.

Peter

Congratulations.


#16

Liberanosamalo, that was wonderful advice. My first thought was 'telling her might land you in the middle of a custody battle that you don’t want to have to fight."

To the person who said “make sure you put his name on the birth certificate”, can you do that without the dad’s consent? I know that where I live, if the parents are unmarried the father is listed as unknown unless he declares in writing, witnessed by a commissioner of oaths, judge or clergy, that he is the father. Without that rule an unmarried woman could name anyone as the father.


#17

This is kind of a difficult situation…On one hand it might help your child have a good relationship with his grandparents, on the other hand it might make your ex not like you very much even more… :frowning: BUT what’s important here is what you want… IF you want to move on and forget about this guy then don’t just live your life as greatly as possible with your baby, many mom’s do that and their kids grow up with so much love they never have a need for a father until mother gets married and then that’s different, a friend of mine grew up not knowing her father and she never really missed him at all…She was fine not knowing and she really didn’t care…She said “if he wanted something to do with me he would have found me I am not going to look for someone whom doesn’t want me! If he loved my mother he would have been with her, and learned about me, obviously he didn’t and I really don’t care… I love my mom we have a good relationship and she’s all I know, I don’t need nor miss him so I really don’t have anything in my heart about him… nor feelings for him either of any kind!”

And she grew up successfully and she’s happily married, with 2 children, a great career, house condos vacation homes etc…

So I mean it’s your choice hon, really it is…

If you want your child to have to do with his family then tell them…And make sure you go to child support court and get some help for that baby if you do this and don’t think its “oh I don’t need the money!” Eventually we all need that money honey!!! Besides it’s not for you it’s for the baby!!! God bless and good luck!


#18

I vote with Liberanosamalo.

In an ideal world you and your baby’s grandmother would already be excitedly planning for the birth of the child. But as you are well aware, you are not living in that ideal world.

Whatever kind of relationship that YOU want for your baby and his father and grandmother, you have to put that secondary to what’s best for your baby. You already know that there are probably going to be complications in the relationship between you, your baby, and the father. Bringing in his mother is likely make that worse, at least in the short run. Any positives that could come from the grandmother are probably not really going to be that significant in the first year or so after the baby is born.

Give it some more time. Hopefully the baby’s father will tell the grandmother and you won’t need to do so.


#19

Like SMHW, my vote is with Liberano. :cool:

When my brother had his 2 kids, he had to sign special paperwork at the hospital “claiming” the children, since he is not married to their mother (his ex-girlfriend couldn’t just put his name down). No DNA testing, just a few signatures. We live in Arizona, by the way, as I’m sure it varies by state.


#20

Here in OH, the father can just sign the birth certificate agreeing he is the father. If he refuses, or isn’t present, they will order DNA tests. You do not have to get any gov’t benefits to have this done. The child support agency will gladly make sure any father, regardless of the mother’s finances do his part in supporting the child.

Some mother’s do decide to just walk away. I would say pray hard before doing this. In our state, you can’t get any benefits for your child, not medical, food stamps, day care vouchers nothing, unless you cooperate in establishing paternity. If the OP is in need of any of these services for her child, the grandmother will probably find out soon after the baby is born anyway. But I do agree with Liberano, I barely wanted to deal with my supportive MIL when my first baby was born.

I am the one person who voted “I don’t know”. Because I don’t know in this situation what is the best thing to do. I know I wouldn’t want to be the one to tell her, that is his responsibility. But maybe she should, I would want to know if I had a grandchild on the way. I really don’t think I can know the “right” answer here, but will pray that you can find it.


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