Should I tell her?


#21

My brother wished it was that easy here.


#22

To Phemie & Truly Beloved, yeah I can’t put his name on the birth certificate unless he is present to sign. I happen to live in the good ol’ Grand Canyon state myself :wink:

Whatever kind of relationship that YOU want for your baby and his father and grandmother, you have to put that secondary to what’s best for your baby. You already know that there are probably going to be complications in the relationship between you, your baby, and the father. Bringing in his mother is likely make that worse, at least in the short run. Any positives that could come from the grandmother are probably not really going to be that significant in the first year or so after the baby is born.

Oh dear, thank you so much for writing this! I just had a :ouch:(duh) moment. During the relationship, I was too preoccupied with thinking of how great he could be all the while being blind to the fact that he was never going to change unless he initiated that change himself. It wasn’t until I got pregnant and HAD to wake up because my son’s well-being depended on it.
Now I find myself slightly drifting into fairy tale world again, thinking things would just be magically fine with having his mom know (at least right now) and all that.

I don’t even want to think about the potential horrors to come with having to communicate with my child’s father during the postpartum period. Liberano would understand this: my ex would have a field day with taking advantage of my fragile state.

Anyway, thanks for the responses. It helps to see different perspectives so that I can delve as deep as possible into the situation.

God bless you all :slight_smile:


#23

Have your father and mother field all your phone calls and pass along information. You don’t need to talk to him.


#24

I don’t know whether you should tell her but wanted to respond to the idea that a dad shouldn’t be pressured. I just want to speak out as a child of divorce. My mother pressured my father to stay involved… she did not want her girls to lose their dad even if he was leaving her. I am so glad she did. You see, every child only has one birthmom and one birthdad. Us kids don’t get to choose. So whether you like dad or not, he is still dad. No one can replace dad. IF dad is involved simply b/c someone pressured him than so be it. At least we get to see our dad. I am not saying it’s ideal… but this is very different from a kids’ perspective than from the spouse/girlfirend/significant other perspective. Unless he’s dangerous, I say try to keep him as involved as possible. If he won’t, fine, that is something you will have to deal with as your child gets older and wants to know more about his daddy. But if he will, even if forced at first, be involved, than take him on it. Your baby only has one dad and no one can ever replace him.


#25

Jen,
Hang in there and Congrats!!! I just want to caution you that you are in a very fragile state right now. You want and deserve allies in his family. Remember though that they raised him to act the way he does. My concern is that they might attempt to force him to be more involved than he wants to be. It could turn into a custody fight. At that point it would be difficult to get the Dad out of your life. It may make it harder to move on. Please think carefully about this situation. You may find that your boyfriend’s mom is wonderful. But be cautious…remember this man knows he is a Dad and has decided he is not interested in his own son. This should tell you what you need to know about him and his family.


#26

The custody issue is a good point. Although I would still recommend trying to keep dad involved in his child’s life if possible. Also, in all fairness, there are plenty of kids who do not reflect their parents’ values. Just because this man is acting so irresponsibly doesn’t mean his parents are going to be bad grandparents.


#27

let your lawyer do the talking for you when you hit this jerk up for child support. But yes, as a grandmother, my personal opinion is that she has a right to know. Oh and hope you figure our how to post pix, we need them for the aaaaawwwww moment. another forum baby, I love this place


#28

With all due respect, biology does not a father make! I am happy for you that your mom pressuring your dad to stay involved in your life has worked out for you, but it certainly could have turned out otherwise. He could have resented being pressured and ultimately taken it out on you.

Jennifer, for what it is worth, here is my experience and opinion:

35 years ago I was in very similar shoes to yours. Shortly after discovering I was pregnant, my then boyfriend and I split up. He did tell his mother and it ultimately made no difference to her. I was not sure if I was going to keep my baby or give it up for adoption. He was furious that I would consider adoption, I could abort if I wanted to, but not adopt out. Great father, huh? Wonder why I cut him loose?

When my daughter was born, I could not imagine parting with her. Thank God that my parents were very supportive, that was a huge difference for me being able to manage. Only my name is on her birth certificate, he has never contributed to her support, never asked to see her, never sent her so much as a card, nothing. I wanted nothing from him, I would rather do without than ever take financial support from him. You have to remember, if you push for financial support, he is entitled to be part of your son’s life with visitation, etc. and if he isn’t interested, his family could push him and that is not necessarily in your son’s best interest.

When my daughter was about 8 months old, I met a wonderful man, he fell in love with both of us, we eventually married and he adopted my daughter. When she was about 5, we explained to her that she was adopted by her dad. She asked questions and we answered her honestly. As she grew, on rare occasions she would ask about her biological father and why he didn’t want to be part of her life. I never bad mouthed him I just explained that I really didn’t know why, he just didn’t. That was fine with her, she eventually stopped asking and once referred to him as ‘the sperm donor’. Her ‘dad’ was her father, in every sense of the word. So your baby most certainly can have a ‘dad’ and it does not have anything to do with biology. We have talked about it as recently as a year ago, she said sometimes she wondered if she had any other brothers or sisters, but she really didn’t care to find out, she never felt like there was anything missing in her life.

So to answer your original question I say it is not your place to tell your son’s paternal grandmother that she is going to be a grandmother. That is her son’s responsibility, not yours. You could well be opening a can of worms you might wish you had never opened. I do understand about the sentimental ‘in a perfect world’ thinking. But this is NOT a perfect world and your ex has made it obvious that he does not want to be part of your life or your son’s. Telling his mother may likely ‘force’ him to be part of your son’s life, something you might live to regret.

You can make it without any help from him. Do NOT push to have him listed on the birth certificate. Do NOT push for financial support, forget the nonsense ‘well it’s his responsibility’. Forcing people to do things they don’t want to do only breeds heartache. If at some point he regrets his actions and asks to be part of his son’s life, then proceed with caution, always keeping your son’s well being as first priority.

I wish you well, I know you can do this! Pray to Mary, she has been an invaluable source of help and intercession for me. She will not let you down. Let us know how everything is going.

God Bless!


#29

Hi thanks for your responses! I’m a little pressed for time but I just thought I would let you know that the baby is here now! I had to go in for an emergency c-section on wed Oct 21 but don’t worry he really needed to come out and the hospital staff took wonderful care of us. He’s doing really well considering the circumstances. I just brought him home from the hospital yesterday :love:
(you can see pictures either by looking at my album or going to the thread in Parenting titled “im not pregnant anymore” ;))

In regards to the situation I posted here, I have not told the family of my child’s father. I haven’t even told him that the baby is born because he continued to show little interest. I have to get my little guy to grow, no need for the drama at this time.

Anyway, thanks for your help! God bless :slight_smile:


#30

Hooray! Congratulations on the birth of your bee-you-tea-full baby boy! :heart:

Get in all the hugs and snuggles and kisses and cuddles you can. In our family we always say that kisses make babies grow, and that’s why my son is so tall and strong for his age.

God bless your family, dear one.

Gertie


#31

I believe the theory that “kisses make babies grow” has been scientifically proven, so kiss him every chance you get! :slight_smile:


#32

YES!!!

look at it this way. what if u had a grandchild out there and no one told you. odds are that someday he will tell her anyway maybe when he grows up and desides to be a man. if you dont want to have anything to do with the dad thats one thing but do not deny such a joy and blessing to his family. my aunt was kinda in the same mess and my cousin now has a great relationship with that side of his family just not his father. tell her our you and her might regret the time lost in the future.


#33

Congrats! He looks so precious!!!


#34

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