should I tell my husband I had an abortion?

This is the most nerve drenching question & I hope it’s not too personal. 11 years ago I had an abortion…I was very young, selfish, and so incredibly scared to tell my parents who I lived with at the time.
It is years later & my husband and I have discussions regarding the pro-life movement. He has no idea that I had an abortion in my younger days and I am affraid if I tell him now that he will not love me anymore or be incredibly angry and look at me totally different. I met with a priest a few years ago before I knew my husband regarding my having an abortion and wanting to know if I should tell my parents. The priest told me no. That it is between God and me and that I am forgiven despite who I confide in.
I am very confused…I don’t ask my husband about his sins & I don’t want to know them. Neither do I want him to know about the horrifying evils that I have commited. I want to believe the priest is correct. What should I do?

There are many helpful Catholic organizations that deal with this issue. Rachels Vineyard is a GREAT one to look into. They deal with post abortion victims, both the women AND their loved ones.

Contact this ministry, they may be able to help you. Do a Google search and you will find their web site.

Hope this helps. I will keep you in my prayers.

God Bless You.

You should do whatever you have to do to heal yourself. Keep in mind, though, that your husband is not your confessor. If telling him will not help you deal with your crisis, then you should not tell him.

If you choose to go forward with it, I recommend a good spiritual director and counseling to help you address the issues that will arise.

[quote=Mary41874]This is the most nerve drenching question & I hope it’s not too personal. 11 years ago I had an abortion…I was very young, selfish, and so incredibly scared to tell my parents who I lived with at the time.
It is years later & my husband and I have discussions regarding the pro-life movement. He has no idea that I had an abortion in my younger days and I am affraid if I tell him now that he will not love me anymore or be incredibly angry and look at me totally different. I met with a priest a few years ago before I knew my husband regarding my having an abortion and wanting to know if I should tell my parents. The priest told me no. That it is between God and me and that I am forgiven despite who I confide in.
I am very confused…I don’t ask my husband about his sins & I don’t want to know them. Neither do I want him to know about the horrifying evils that I have commited. I want to believe the priest is correct. What should I do?
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You know Mary I really believe you need to pray about this situation. We need to be honest in all our affairs. Marraige is about two becoming one. Maybe the Holy Spirit will speak to your heart. Gods timing is perfect. I personally do not believe there will be total healing in your situation until you speak the Truth. The Truth will set you free. Please understand this is only my oppinion. With Christ all things are possible.Ill lift you up in my prayers tonight at our intercessory prayer meeting. God Bless you and may the Holy Spirit guide you.

Take your time to think about this issue. There does not seem to be a rush. You are not obliged to tell your spouse every detail of what you did before you were married. But many spouses do keep a policy of sorts between them regarding such issues. You fear you could actively hurt the relationship between the two of you by telling, so I would take my time before doing anything about it. Talk to an advisor or sort out how you feel first. Talking to other women with similar backgrounds could help. It is definitely possible that revealing historical info to your spouse could be an action you would regret. Best of Luck!

Forgive me, but “do whatever you need to do to heal” sounds a little self centered. I can imagine that no matter how wonderful her relationship is with her husband now, the knowledge of past grave sins may only serve to plant a seed of distrust with her husband now. He may be forgiving and supportive of her now, but those seeds sometimes take a while to germinate in the relationship.

God has forgiven her. It sounds like she needs to forgive herself. Her husband loves who she is now, not who she was 11 years ago. I vote to keep that burden from him now.

(You must obviously tell him the truth if he asks you directly if you had one, but you can then cross that bridge when it comes.)

My condolences and prayers for your suffering. I do not mean to sound harsh or uncaring, and forgive me if I come off that way here in cyberspace…)

Shiann

I agree with those who advised you not to tell your husband unless he asks you directly about it (which is hardly likely). The reason is just as your confessor said: Your sins are between you and God and are not anyone else’s business. Plus, you are not obligated to tell everything you ever did to your spouse in order to be “one” with him. You both married in good faith and that is all that matters. If telling him would not help your relationship with him, but rather probably hurt it, you need not tell him. It is much better to consider the state of his soul, heart and mind than to unburden yourself of past guilt. You received absolution, but you may mention this sin again in confession so that you can once again be assured that God has forgiven you, especially since you were contrite and have no intentions of ever doing it again. God bless you, dear sister in Christ. Be at peace!

You have confessed the sin in the confessional and it is forgiven. You do not need to confess it to your husband.
Just my opinion.

if you feel you can keep it a secret for the rest of your life, then it’s probably best to not tell your husband. But if it’s eating you up inside, eventually you’ll have to come out and tell him. Keeping a secret like that must be an unbearable burden. On the other hand, if I were in his shoes, I wouldn’t want to know - sometimes ignorance is bliss. LIke I said, you have to consider if you can keep this a secret for the rest of your life and still be happy and comfortable in your marriage. I’ll keep you and your DH in my prayers. Good luck!

Your Priest told you ,“No!” Think. The only reason for someone to tell another a long-time secret is IF by telling it it will benift the other person.

Talk to a Priest again. Pray before you see the Priest. It seems that to blurt out your secret will do harm to your husband, think of him.

I think you should talk to your priest if you are in doubt as to the scope of his advice. Then take it. You have been absolved! Thank God for His mercy and allow yourself to move on. I’ll pray for you.

Dear friend

I am filled with compassion and love for you, you are not your sins , you sins are confessed and once confessed they are finished with, only Satan would take great joy in reminding you of them and repeatedly hurting you with them, Christ has forgiven you and to be honest you could take out an advertisment publishing your sins for all to see, but it will not change the fact that this sin is no longer your burden as you are forgiven, the sin is no longer yours, Christ has wiped you clean of it, in, through and by Him.

Only you know your husband, but dear friend, it is never profitable to rake up the past unless the person involved is from your past, now you did not know your husband then, telling him will profit nothing, you have not told him every detail of every sin you have committed and been forgiven for, then why do you feel compelled to tell him this one? As Mother Teresa said…‘you see in the final analysis, it was not between you and them, it was between you and God’ You have made your peace with God, now be at peace with yourself, this is what God desires through Reconciliation and Penance.

In the end dear friend, only you can decide, only you will know how your husband MAY react, but you cannot predict entire how he WILL react…the past is gone, you can;t change it, it has no need to affect your future.

God is the God of the moment, your past is gone to Him when you have confessed your sins, that sin once absolved is bound in heaven you will not face any trial for that, His mercy has come upon you and you are forgiven. I think this is less to do with your husband and more to do with your guilt and how you feel about your sin, but in our Merciful and Loving Father and Saviour through the Holy Spirit, you are a child of God clean and whole, forgiven and you need to believe in this saving grace. In my opinion this has little to do with your husband and more to do with how you feel about the abortion and the fact God has forgiven you…God forgave Paul who delivered Christians up for murder and persecution, and on that road to Damascus, he knew that the Lord called him and forgave him, you have to heal of this and you have to find help to do that without possibly jeopardising your future happiness and love with your husband. You are forgiven friend and you have to have confidence in your Saviour, Jesus Christ, in your Merciful Father and in the Healing of the Holy Spirit in Penance and Reconciliation.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa

Hello Friend:

As I replied in the Family Life Forum:

A line from my favorite movie “Titanic”:

“A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets”…

Some things dear one, are perhaps better left unsaid------

God Bless~~

Good Mourning Mary.Again in 1John1vs 9 Gods Word says all confessed sins are forgiven.After praying about your situation Theresa 9 Spoke Godly Wisdom. I know you feel God has forgiven you. Still there is something inside that cries out from your soul. I pray that you will release all that is within you and cry out to you heavenly Father.Let Him minister to your soul so that you also can be held in your Fathers arms. May the Love of Jesus Christ and His Healing Hands be upon you. God Bless you.l

I also recommmend Rachel’s Vineyard. I’m sure you aren’t alone.

I think forgiveness and healing are separate issues. The child isn’t the only victim.

Why would your husband stop loving you? This seems like a opportunity for growth and healing for both of you.

In sickness and in health

God Bless

  1. I submit that if you fear your husband’s reaction, then you have no faith in his love. He is supposed to love you unconditionally, even in the light of your mistakes in the past. If you have trouble with this, what else are you having difficulty with in your marriage (please don’t answer that publically).

  2. Confess to a priest and reconcile yourself. If you were a Catholic at the time and knew of the consequences, you could have incurred a latae sententia excommunication, which you would have to have reconcilled to bring you back into good standing with the Church. This is probably the most vital, because if it is determined that you have incurred this penalty and have been receiving communion, then you are profaning the Host and compounding sin upon sin. Please make sure that your relationship with the Lord is right, it is even more important that your relationship with your husband.

[quote=Apologia100]He is supposed to love you unconditionally, even in the light of your mistakes in the past.
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I do not know you. I do not know your husband. I do not know what you should do. You should talk it over with a priest or a good counselor.

One thing I can tell you, though, is that what people are supposed to do and what they really do are often two different things. This is a heavy thing to drop even on the best husband in the world.

[quote=Penny Plain]I do not know you. I do not know your husband. I do not know what you should do. You should talk it over with a priest or a good counselor.

One thing I can tell you, though, is that what people are supposed to do and what they really do are often two different things. This is a heavy thing to drop even on the best husband in the world.
[/quote]

My wife did it to me. She had 2 abortions. There is a difference between living your faith and just talking about it. We are much closer now than ever. I helped her through the reinstatement process, and I was her sponsor at her Confirmation. She took St. Ann as her patron saint, the mother of Mary.

[quote=Shiann]Forgive me, but “do whatever you need to do to heal” sounds a little self centered. I can imagine that no matter how wonderful her relationship is with her husband now, the knowledge of past grave sins may only serve to plant a seed of distrust with her husband now. He may be forgiving and supportive of her now, but those seeds sometimes take a while to germinate in the relationship.

God has forgiven her. It sounds like she needs to forgive herself. Her husband loves who she is now, not who she was 11 years ago. I vote to keep that burden from him now.

(You must obviously tell him the truth if he asks you directly if you had one, but you can then cross that bridge when it comes.)

My condolences and prayers for your suffering. I do not mean to sound harsh or uncaring, and forgive me if I come off that way here in cyberspace…)

Shiann
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I think you and I basically agree that she should not tell, but I also think it’s her call.

Healing herself is hardly self-centered. If she’s feeling bad about this, then it’s hardly a positive in her marriage.

She may be feeling a great deal of guilt in withholding this information (I don’t think she ought to be, I’m just postulating this as a “what if”). Guilt can eat you up, which is exactly why I said that her husband is not her confessor. Forgiving herself may mean that she has to talk it out with her husband. Or it could mean that she has to talk it out with her confessor and no one else. Or perhaps she requires counselling. I don’t presume or propose to limit her options in my advice.

I thought I posted on this topic this morning, but I can’t find it now. Hopefully it wasn’t considered offensive somehow and was deleted; hopefully it was just an operator error on my part or here I go again! Anyway when I read one post about keeping it a secret forever, it occurred to me that if you have not had children yet there might be a piece of the puzzle about which you are not aware. Here is most of what I thought I’d posted earlier:

You have heard many good reasons why to tell or not to tell your husband. Whichever way you decide, I hope the best for you. I only want to add one remark, in case you decide not to tell him:

In case you have not yet had a child, you might like to know it is normal procedure in a hospital for them to ask you, in front of your husband, how many pregnancies and live births you have had. I do not know whether it is for medical reasons or government records, or both. If you do not intend to accurately disclose this information you might want to check with your doctor to figure out what you will say when and if you are asked.

Alan

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