should I tell my husband I had an abortion?


#1

This is the most nerve drenching question & I hope it’s not too personal. 11 years ago I had an abortion…I was very young, selfish, and so incredibly scared to tell my parents who I lived with at the time.
It is years later & my husband and I have discussions regarding the pro-life movement. He has no idea that I had an abortion in my younger days and I am affraid if I tell him now that he will not love me anymore or be incredibly angry and look at me totally different. I met with a priest a few years ago before I knew my husband regarding my having an abortion and wanting to know if I should tell my parents. The priest told me no. That it is between God and me and that I am forgiven despite who I confide in.
I am very confused…I don’t ask my husband about his sins & I don’t want to know them. Neither do I want him to know about the horrifying evils that I have commited. I want to believe the priest is correct. What should I do?


#2

Wow, you poor thing. I am glad that you have been able to heal physically and spiritually from your abortion. That’s awesome.

If your husband will not love you anymore for what you did over a decade ago, then I would question his unconditional love for you. I hope that is not the case, but if this issue is putting a damper on your married life, communication with him, and your conscious then maybe you should tell him.

What are his feelings toward women who have had abortions and are repentant? Maybe you can do a little detective work to find that out.

Your priest brings up a good point, it is between you and God. You do not need the forgiveness of your husband, he was not in the picture at the time. Nor, do you have to explain your actions to him, you have already done that to God. If you tell him, I would tell him in a way that would make him have a better understanding of your actions and how you came back to God. Make it a story of how awesome God’s forgiveness is!

Good luck to you.


#3

If you are repentent, (which I can see by your post you are) and have made your confession to a priest, and you have amended your life, then I see no reason why you must burden your husband with this information.

You can see the value of leaving your husband’s repented sins at rest; why not forgive yourself, as God has forgiven you. Move on with your husband and any possible future children with the knowledge that you are completely forgiven.

You are in my prayers for guidance in this matter, and I offer you my condolences for your suffering.


#4

Mary, first of all, I would like to send you my sincere condolences to you. What a tough road to travel.

I’ll tell you something similar since I can’t tell you positively yes or no. That has to be your decision. I don’t know your situation. I don’t know the rift it might cause between you and your husband.

I’m ashamed to admit, when I was pregnant with our first baby I would sneak over to my mom’s house to smoke. My husband was under the impression that I had quit. I would then take a shower to get rid of the smell. (my mom was at work) I was torn with guilt for months. My husband was aware that I took showers over there but not why. He thought I couldn’t let go of my old home. He was confused. I would get angry when he asked me and avoid the question.

When I was 6 months along, I finally broke down and told him. I was sure he would hate me, but I couldn’t go on keeping that huge secret. It was eating me up. I was shocked that he was only a little mad. He was more relieved that I was honest with him, since he knew something was up. (I quit then)

I know this is a completely different scenario, but I wanted to express how much better I felt after being honest. Maybe you should trust your husband’s love for you and his ability to forgive (not that it’s his to forgive…forgiveness comes from confession).

God bless you.


#5

JMJ

Please tell your husband. Remember Satan lives in the dark and wants the truth to remain hidden. Christ is our light and the truth. This is a burden Christ does not want you to share alone. Bring this situation to the light so more healing can enter in your life and your marriage.

Our Mother would be a great help in this hard situation. :slight_smile:

Thank you for your honesty and desire to follow God’s will.


#6

I’m sorry to keep at this, and I am very sincere when I say that I offer you my condolences in this. Please do not mistake my passion for this issue as a reprimand for you in this situation. You have been forgiven by God.

But a number of the posts here and on the thread in the ‘spirituality’ thread discuss how you need to speak the truth to set yourself free. Well, you DID THAT by confessing your sins to the priest and receiving absolution! It seems a very self centered ideology to assume that you cannot heal unless you speak the sin to everyone who has an important part of your life. Maybe part of the temporal punishment for the act is that you must carry the knowlege in your heart.

You sound like a loving and caring woman who has a deep love for our Lord. Channel the sadness and guilt you feel into loving your husband and future children with all your heart.

Blessings to you…


#7

How long have you been married and what is the condition of your relationship? Relationships have up and downs. If your not feeling very secure in you relationship and what you said it doesn’t sound like you are, I would work on building the strength of your marriage first and pray about it. I don’t think you are obligated to tell your husband but I do think it will help you to feel like your not hiding anything from him. Your going to have to search your heart to know if this is the right time.


#8

[quote=johnq]JMJ

Please tell your husband. Remember Satan lives in the dark and wants the truth to remain hidden. Christ is our light and the truth. This is a burden Christ does not want you to share alone. Bring this situation to the light so more healing can enter in your life and your marriage.

Our Mother would be a great help in this hard situation. :slight_smile:

Thank you for your honesty and desire to follow God’s will.
[/quote]

I am quoting johnq, because I agree with him. Secrets between a husband and wife only pave the way for more secrets between husband and wife. Someone once told me “We are only as sick as our secrets.” Secrets only have power over you as long as they are secret. Ideally, we all live our lives with no secrets that we would be embarassed about if they came out. If you can not tell your husband at this time, you may have other issues in your marriage that you need to address first–like honesty and your own sense of self-worth. When my brother and SIL divorced after almost 30 years of marriage, all sorts of secrets came out that they had been keeping for years–including abortion, her affairs, childhood abuse, and more. I truly believe if they had spent less time protecting their secrets, more time being honest with themselves and others, and actually being who they pretended to be, then they would have developed healthier relationships in their marriage and with other people all along. Now may not be the best time to tell him, but please get to the point where you don’t have “secrets” although you might have issues that you prefer to keep private. And there is a difference. God bless you.


#9

[quote=Shiann]I’m sorry to keep at this, and I am very sincere when I say that I offer you my condolences in this. Please do not mistake my passion for this issue as a reprimand for you in this situation. You have been forgiven by God.

But a number of the posts here and on the thread in the ‘spirituality’ thread discuss how you need to speak the truth to set yourself free. Well, you DID THAT by confessing your sins to the priest and receiving absolution! It seems a very self centered ideology to assume that you cannot heal unless you speak the sin to everyone who has an important part of your life. Maybe part of the temporal punishment for the act is that you must carry the knowlege in your heart.

You sound like a loving and caring woman who has a deep love for our Lord. Channel the sadness and guilt you feel into loving your husband and future children with all your heart.

Blessings to you…
[/quote]


#10

Mary,

I know that this is very stressfull for you. I know, because I saw the stress and the tears in my own wife’s eyes when she confided her silent shame with me.

It sounds to me like you haven’t completely healed yet. My guess is that you hunger to confide with your parents or with your husband because you need to talk about it.

Just a guess.

In any case, your husband is not “entitled” to know, so you don’t “have” to tell him. But he is your other half, and it’s natural for you to want to share your troubles with him. It’s natural that you want reassurance that he loves the real you–not what you believ to be a facade.

And, my guess is that he does. And that telling him will enable him to share your burden with you. And this sharing will bring you both closer together.

Just a guess, based on my relationship with my wife.

I have prayed for you.


#11

Hello friend,

I have heard of a program called Project Rachael, which is for women who have had abortions and desire further healing from them. I believe they offer support around this sort of issue. Perhaps you could Google it up and see if there is one in your area, too. The women I have talked to who have participated in Project Rachael have really positive things to say about it.

But mainly, pray! God bless you, dear!


#12

Dear friend

I am filled with compassion and love for you, you are not your sins , you sins are confessed and once confessed they are finished with, only Satan would take great joy in reminding you of them and repeatedly hurting you with them, Christ has forgiven you and to be honest you could take out an advertisment publishing your sins for all to see, but it will not change the fact that this sin is no longer your burden as you are forgiven, the sin is no longer yours, Christ has wiped you clean of it, in, through and by Him.

Only you know your husband, but dear friend, it is never profitable to rake up the past unless the person involved is from your past, now you did not know your husband then, telling him will profit nothing, you have not told him every detail of every sin you have committed and been forgiven for, then why do you feel compelled to tell him this one? As Mother Teresa said…‘you see in the final analysis, it was not between you and them, it was between you and God’ You have made your peace with God, now be at peace with yourself, this is what God desires through Reconciliation and Penance.

In the end dear friend, only you can decide, only you will know how your husband MAY react, but you cannot predict entire how he WILL react…the past is gone, you can;t change it, it has no need to affect your future.

God is the God of the moment, your past is gone to Him when you have confessed your sins, that sin once absolved is bound in heaven you will not face any trial for that, His mercy has come upon you and you are forgiven. I think this is less to do with your husband and more to do with your guilt and how you feel about your sin, but in our Merciful and Loving Father and Saviour through the Holy Spirit, you are a child of God clean and whole, forgiven and you need to believe in this saving grace. In my opinion this has little to do with your husband and more to do with how you feel about the abortion and the fact God has forgiven you…God forgave Paul who delivered Christians up for murder and persecution, and on that road to Damascus, he knew that the Lord called him and forgave him, you have to heal of this and you have to find help to do that without possibly jeopardising your future happiness and love with your husband. You are forgiven friend and you have to have confidence in your Saviour, Jesus Christ, in your Merciful Father and in the Healing of the Holy Spirit in Penance and Reconciliation.

God Bless you and much love and peace to you

Teresa


#13

I am sorry you have to go through this. I can’t imagine the self torture.
Here is my opinion.
There is absolutly no WAY you should tell your husband. :nope: WHY would you do that? You should not burden him with this pain. If there is NO other way he will ever find out – why oh why would you tell him? Td do so is pointless, except maybe to bring some kind of destructive attention to yourself. Are you trying to punish yourself?
You have Christ to help you, you have the sacraments, there is no reason to give someone else this burden when Christ can carry it for you. Save your husband the pain and keep it to yourself.
Peace sister.


#14

Dear Friend:

As a line from my favorite movie “Titanic” stated:

“A woman’s heart is a deep ocean of secrets”

Some things we just must bear on our own–and with God on our side.

God Bless You~~


#15

Yes, you should tell him in my opinion. He will act in a Christ-like manner and help you bare your burden.

It took my a long time to tell my husband about the sexual assault I survived as a child, but once I did he was able to help me to continue to heal. It also helped him understand why I sometimes had difficulty with physical touch and he was able to assure me that he would never hurt me like that. It made an already good relationship wonderful.

Your not asking him for forgiveness, you are just asking him to know and understand you more.

Good luck and God bless.


#16

Just as you stated that you would not care to know all of your husband’s old sins, I don’t think you should burden him with yours. It sounds like maybe you’d like him to know so he could tell you that he still loves you and it’s ok? Of course he loves you… but more importantly than that, God loves you and has forgiven you. I think you should try to let it go and just go on with your life. We all have sins - things we’ve done in the past we wish we could do over - what’s done is done. You’ve delt with it. You’ve been forgiven, now forgive yourself and move on.

Peace to you,
CM


#17

Assuming there is no chance he will ever find out otherwise, and telling him would have a chance of harming the marriage, I’d say no. You are under no obligation to do so. You are forgiven. Telling him will not add to that forgiveness. Telling him will not undo the abortion.

But will it mitigate the harm done by the abortion? That’s a tricky one. Obviously, it won’t bring back your child. The abortion has harmed you also, though, and this harm does need to be addressed. Assuming it wouldn’t harm your marriage to tell him, and would have a good chance of helping you heal, you may want to tell him. This is something that should be addressed by someone who is more familiar with both your situation and with the process of healing from an abortion.

I would agree with the previous poster that Project Rachel would be a good program to look into. If you can’t get into it where you are, perhaps a referral to a pro-life counselor who has experience dealing with post-abortion trauma would be a good start.

I don’t think there is an easy answer to your question. But do know that you are forgiven. At the same time, though, you were also a victim of the abortion industry, and you need healing from that. Call your diocese about Project Rachel near you. We are praying for you.

Doug


#18

Don’t tell your husband. There is very little good that can come from telling him.


#19

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation after you are already married, and did not settle it before you were married. I am sure you are, too; I hope any engaged couples who have such secrets will see your plight and take heed.

You have heard many good reasons why to tell or not to tell your husband. Whichever way you decide, I hope the best for you. I only want to add one remark, in case you decide not to tell him:

In case you have not yet had a child, you might like to know it is normal procedure in a hospital for them to ask you, in front of your husband, how many pregnancies and live births you have had. I do not know whether it is for medical reasons or government records, or both. If you do not intend to accurately disclose this information you might want to check with your doctor to figure out what you will say when and if you are asked.

Alan


#20

Mary,

This is a tough situation as demonstrated by the answers you have received here.

The time to tell your husband was prior to your wedding. But that time is past. Nothing can be done about that.

It must be difficult for you everytime your husband talks about being pro-life etc… Even though you might be pro-life now, what you did 11 years ago must haunt you. :frowning: My opinion is to get assistance from a group like Project Rachel as mentioned above. That way you get support. Right now, it appears as though there is no one there to give you support and that might be why you feel the need to tell your husband.

Also, a support group might be able to help you decide whether or not to tell your husband.

One more thing----this is obviously causing you much pain. You can’t undo the abortion you had. So instead, be a proactive pro-lifer. You know first-hand the pain that abortion can cause, years later. Take something negative and do something positive. Help other women make the right decision.

You might always feel guilt, even knowing that God has forgiven you. But pray to Him. Tell Him of your guilt feelings and ask Him to direct you on how to negate your guilt feelings.

Bottom line—Don’t tell your husband. Why bring Him pain to alleviate your pain? That is selfish. But turn your pain into something positive. Help stop other women from feeling the same pain. And save babies at the same time. That will be much more rewarding. And get into a support group.

I hope you find peace. God bless you. :thumbsup:


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