Should I tell my parents that my sister is a lesbian?


#1

I found out my sister is a lesbian and I’m afraid to tell my parents. They feel something and ask me and i lie to them. My mother is very sick and i am scared that the sock would make her even more sick and my father has heart problems. Is this a mortal sin I am doing by lying to them?

My sister made me promise not to tell but every day I am scared. They live in London and I am afraid they will marry.


#2

If your parents are constantly asking you the same question, then they clearly suspect and haven’t the courage to ask your sister themselves.

For the time-being, I would say that it wasn’t my place to say.

If I were you, I’d also tell my sibling that they were putting me in an impossible situation and that they need to rectify it as soon as possible. It’s incredibly unfair to be expected to hold on to a secret like that.

Tell your sister that your parents are constantly asking and that you’re not going to continue lying. Tell her that it’s pretty clear they already know or suspect and that it’s time to clear the air. She won’t like it, but ultimately it’s her problem and not yours.

Whether your deception on behalf of your sister is a mortal sin or not, I don’t know. I think you should ask your priest. Certainly it’s at least venial.

As for marriage… well she might be considering a civil partnership, but she ain’t gonna be marrying, that’s for sure :slight_smile: Having said that, just because they live in London (my home town!) doesn’t mean they’re compelled to do this. They might, but it won’t be London’s fault!

Anyhow, you’re on the horns of a dilemma. Horns are always pointy and tend to be uncomfortable. I certainly don’t envy you. It’s time your sister took responsibility for herself and her own relationship with your parents. It’s definitely not within her rights to expect you to ruin your own relationship with them. Read her the riot act.


#3

Its your sister’s information to tell. Its neither fair for your sister to ask you to keep the secret anymore than its fair for your parents to keep asking you about your sister’s sexual orientation. Inform your sister your parents are inquiring and when your parents do inquire, tell them they need to ask your sister directly. Its not your job to be the informant nor the secret keeper.


#4

[quote="cristyd, post:1, topic:210884"]
I found out my sister is a lesbian and I'm afraid to tell my parents. They feel something and ask me and i lie to them. My mother is very sick and i am scared that the sock would make her even more sick and my father has heart problems. Is this a mortal sin I am doing by lying to them?

[/quote]

It is not necessary to tell them. However, if they ask you are morally obligated to tell them the truth.

The truth is, "I know the answer to the question but am not at liberty to tell you." The truth is, "yes, she is." The truth is, "If you want an answer to that question, you need to ask sister."

These are all true statements. Choose the path you want to take from among true statements. What you cannot do is lie.

[quote="cristyd, post:1, topic:210884"]
My sister made me promise not to tell but every day I am scared. They live in London and I am afraid they will marry.

[/quote]

Tell your sister you cannot keep such a promise and make no promises from this point forward. Tell her your parents are already asking about this, and it is time she had a talk with them directly. Tell your sister you will not lie and you will not keep secrets from your parents.


#5

It occurs to me that if your parents have health problems then the stress of not knowing but strongly suspecting and being frightened of actually asking may well be worse than the stress of knowing.

It may well be that if your sister comes clean with them, they will be able to relax more and your worries about the impact of such a ‘revelation’ on their health may be misplaced. Also, never underestimate the capability of a person to set aside such concerns when one’s immediate health is an issue.


#6

If your parents ask you about your sister’s sexual orientation simply tell them that you aren’t comfortable discussing someone else’s sex life and that they should ask her themselves if they are concerned for her well-being.

If they are making inquiries then they probably know but it isn’t your place to confirm or deny someone else’s orientation. This is your sister’s personal information to reveal or conceal.


#7

[quote="cristyd, post:1, topic:210884"]
I found out my sister is a lesbian and I'm afraid to tell my parents. They feel something and ask me and i lie to them. My mother is very sick and i am scared that the sock would make her even more sick and my father has heart problems. Is this a mortal sin I am doing by lying to them?

My sister made me promise not to tell but every day I am scared. They live in London and I am afraid they will marry.

[/quote]

It is very unfair of your sister to put you in this moral and ethical family dilemma.

What we do or not do has consequences and in other areas of society that may be something that is played fast and loose but, we are talking about a family circle that is supposed to watch out for each other and pray for each other and do right and good by each other.

You can continue to be the "accomplice" with a guilty conscience or you can put the monkey back on your sister by telling her that you will not lie anymore for her.


#8

#9

Don't worry about insulting London - I left the city at the first available opportunity, so obviously I don't like it all that much! :D


#10

[quote="1ke, post:4, topic:210884"]
It is not necessary to tell them. However, if they ask you are morally obligated to tell them the truth.

The truth is, "I know the answer to the question but am not at liberty to tell you." The truth is, "yes, she is." The truth is, "If you want an answer to that question, you need to ask sister."

[/quote]

True option 4: "Do you really want to know that answer to that question?"
True option 5: Silence.
True option 6: "Lovely/Awful weather we are having today." (Obviously changing the subject.)

These are all true statements. Choose the path you want to take from among true statements. What you cannot do is lie.

Agreed.

rossum


#11

:bighanky:

The sister that i tried to protect and lied for just mocked me today for my decision of becoming a Catholic. She told me that all priests in the world starting with the Pope are pedophiles and all of them are fake. And that she can't understand my decision of associating myself to them.


#12

She’s using a defense mechanism because she knows what your beliefs stand for. She wants to guilt you into accepting and endorsing her behavior. She attacks your beliefs out of fear and possibly even guilt. She may feel deep-down that her lifestyle is sinful, but doesn’t want to accept it.

You have no obligation to protect your sister in this regard. Your obligation is to continue to love her and do your best to help her find life in Christ. You never have to accept or endorse her lifestyle, and you never should. You can love her and stand firm in your faith. And you can use the opportunity to explain your faith to her, since she asked you why you associate with the Catholic Church. Be strong and of good courage, pray for your sister daily, and treat her with kindness. You may yet see her repent of her statements regarding your beliefs.


#13

I am so sorry your sister hurt your feelings by telling you the church is fake. If it were me, I would simply say ‘When you told me you were a lesbian, I respected your decision even though I do not agree with it. I never mocked you for it. I expect the same respect in return.’

Then, I would also tell your sister that it is very normal for parents to want to know who their child is living with and dating. I would say ‘Sis, if you don’t want me to tell mom and dad about your lifestyle, then you shouldn’t tell me yourself. I can let something accidentally slip if I don’t know about it is the first place’

It is so unfair that she is asking you to cover for her

CM


#14

Tell your sister - you refuse to lie and that from now on you are going to tell your parents to ask her which means they will probably figure it out and that she is only causing them more pain.

Tell your parents the above.

God bless you - at this point pray for her conversion of heart and chastity.


#15

"Mom, why would you ever ask me a question like that, instead of her? You ask me what might surprise her as a birthday gift, not stuff that you ought to be asking her."

No matter what Mom answers, you can reply: "Mom, there is nothing about Susan that you're better off asking me than asking her....at least, I don't want you asking Susan about my life behind my back! Ask me about me, and ask Susan about Susan, OK? We're both grown-ups, now. If she ever does anything I don't think is right, I'll talk to her privately about it, OK?"

If that doesn't work for you, then ask your sister not to tell you things that she doesn't want you to share with your parents. Now that you've agreed to keep the secret, though, and since you are not at an age where your mom has any jurisdiction to intervene, you keep the secret, as you agreed.

You can tell your sister, though: "Susan, Mom and Dad have asked me about 50 times if you are a lesbian. I think they know, and I'm getting sick of putting them off. Could you talk to them, and tell them you made me promise to let you tell them yourself, while you're at it? I love you dearly, but I don't know how much more of this I can take." Then talk about it.

After all, she shared her difficult issue with you. Share yours with her. Ideally, that is what sisters do for each other.

Still, it is not lying to refuse to talk about what it is not your business to talk about. It works better if you use this as a general policy, though, and not only when the "business" is something you don't feel like discussing.


#16

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