Should sex be pleasurable or relief of discomfort?


Should sex be considered an actual pleasure or a relief of discomfort? I tend to think that the actual pleasure is not worth it, that there are much more interesting things in the world and the main reason to be interested in sexual relations is the avoidance of discomfort for unsatisfied desire. Needless to say, I am not very fond of this desire.
I am not sure if I am suited for marriage. When I meet women, I think the vast majority is not very special compared to anyone else. During my life, I have met one or maybe two or three that I would be interested in without considering the satisfaction of sexual desire, and it is not very probable to any of these is going to be my wife, though it is not metaphysically impossible. I think that I have discovered the probabilites by now, and they don’t look good.


I often wonder if I should live in a celibate vocation. It would require some work to do chastely, but the probability of succeeding in that, I think, is much greater than finding an interesting woman to marry.


It should be very pleasurable! :smiley:

If it’s not, something is wrong.


It’s really rough out there for people trying to find a good spouse these days, be it a man or a woman, due to the climate of lack of morality. Good luck with whatever ya’ all decide!


Then either your standards for “interesting” are impossibly high, or you need to meet some more interesting people. There are plenty of them in the world. Even if you do decide not to marry, life is pretty dull when we don’t share it with other people. We’re supposed to be in community.


My standards for “interesting” involve such things as faith, morals, understanding my humor (not all people do at all) and being able to give intelligent responses when talking. Being free to start talking about quite anything I am interested in, without fear that the other person will dismiss the subject as boring, is a huge benefit. The standards are not “impossibly high” as there are people like that, but I admit, they are quite restrictive.
If I knew how to meet more interesting people, I would probably do it.


If you want to meet more people in general, you need to take the lead on that. :thumbsup:


Alright, well, what interests you? You can join groups based around one of your interests, and then you’ll know that you have at least one thing in common with the other members of the group. If faith and morals are important to you, you could see if there are any volunteer opportunities through your local parish, or if there are any social events. Other than that, you just have to start conversations with people and see if they like the same things that you like. Then you can be friends. It helps to just know a lot of people, and be on the lookout for the ones that interest you.

It’s not easy for some people (doesn’t come naturally to me at all), but getting to know new people can be a lot of fun. :slight_smile:


I consider it a very good example of God having a sense of humor, it is pleasurable ,it is obviously meant to be, to a degree it is becoming essential to engage in it during ones teenage years to help in the sexual maturity process ( yet no one in the field of Catholicism can point to a successful and widely used program in which young people are learning to grow, in a mature manner in regards to what sex is, what its’ purpose is and how to get past raging hormones with out exploding ) . So now we have a black and white issue, that is only to be discussed in the confines of marriage.

It is a no win discussion, any way you dissect it, you cant go around promoting premarital sex as the way to grow in a mature manner in regards on how to properly treat each other because then one has to address contraceptives and the possibility of pregnancy, stick to the religious aspect of it alone and only promote one view on how it should be and totally ignore that the probability is those who are promoting that view ( not everyone but at least some ) have engaged in premarital sex… Or stick to marriage alone and start addressing how pleasurable should it really be… that is just awkward and then one has to start addressing boundaries and eventually someone is going to say what a married couple does is it pleasing to God.

an then someone eventually answers that they want God out of their bedroom.

ty for letting me rant I hate these topics.


“Should” is kind of an irrelevant word in the discussion. It simply “is”, to varying degrees, both the things you identify, and more.

When you say “not worth it” - what does that mean? What cost are you weighing up? And in what context have you made this assessment, and are you sure it was a reliable assessment?

Most typically, one meets women through one’s education or employment, or other social activities (group of friends, etc.). Perhaps you could explain your situation (age, etc), and whether these are applicable avenues for you, and how or why they may/may not work for you?


Sex is a special pursuit in that there is notable, physical discomfort if the desire is not satisfied. Some people say that people would not have families without this, so it is a good and necessary feeling. However, people tune their computers, cars and sailing ships, discuss arts and sciences and so on because they consider these things interesting pursuits and they don’t need anything akin to sexual desire to motivate them. Is it so that having sex and a family is not interesting enough in itself, so an additional desire and discomfort is needed?
As I said, the vast majority of the people I meet are interested in different things and think in a different way. So, assuming they are not willing to adapt to my ways, which is a reasonable assumption to make, unless I would become rich and famous for some reason, and thus I have to adapt to theirs. You see, there is this price to pay, just to engage with people. Even then, there is no guarantee that the investment is worth it, as some people don’t have enough in common to actually be friends, except if I wanted to make more sacrifices in perpetuity without getting anything in return, and some people are downright rude.
I can tell that I am in the late twenties. These one, maybe two or three women I mentioned were almost exactly what I was looking for, but just different enough that there was no chance. Sometimes I wonder if I am going to regret that I did not do things differently. Of course, there is no need for that because I did what I was able to do then, but I will not forget them.


Some effort is required to establish and maintain a relationship. The effort is modest, and on-going. The rewards in companionship, shared love, family and yes, sex, are in totality considerable. Moreso than in tuning a computer!

You seem to be confusing “relationships with women” and “sex”. These are not the same thing, but may become related.

Sex is not driven just by a need to overcome discomfort! I desire sex with my wife without feeling discomfort. It offers more than ending discomfort. It promises something too! This is different to, say, showering - I only desire a shower because of negative consequences of not showering.

I am not clear where you are trying to go here - your initial post focussed on sex, but your recent post is about relationships with women in general.

If you find you don’t get on well with other people (or with women) and don’t enjoy their company…well, maybe marriage is not for you. But I would suggest you stay open to the possibility.

May I ask - what are you interested in, and why might so few others share your interests?


This is true, but I find it strange that only some species experience pleasure from sexual reproduction, there are quite a few species where sex is uncomfortable and miserable, and is only done for the purpose for pro-creation, So, God knowingly makes sex a pleasurable thing for an already sinful natured species…hmmm?


The fact is, I would not probably have written this if I had been happy with my social relations. Perhaps the topic is not the best possible, and I was just expressing my anxiety. Thank you anyway for your answers.
I would prefer not to discuss my interests in a too detailed way for the sake of privacy, at least not in public. Basically, the most places I visit and the most people I meet, I have a feeling that I am in a wrong company. Other than attending Mass and praying before the sacrament, that’s always the right place to be.


Karaatti the very fact that you have asked “should sex be considered an actual pleasure…”
suggests a number of things…

You may be one of the allegedly 5% of the population that is sexually neuter. This would explain the almost exlusively cerebral approach you have taken to a topic that has a very clear answer for most of the population without even thinking. It just is pleasurable full stop. There is nothing ambiguous to think about or consider.

Of course at times an aspect of “discomfort relief” may be abstracted from the overall experience - but few people so separate the biological from the relational/psychical that they would experience sex like this.

Alternatively you may have experienced a pre-teenage trauma, parental absence or long term childhood neglect for this disassociation between biology and psycho-sexual attraction to be at play as your question, hi degree of intellection and reticence to reveal personal details together suggest.

“Normal” is itself an abstraction that noone has total possession of but as others have pointed out humans are by nature social creatures and it is best for us to associate as much as we can even if we do not feel sociable or are not attracted sexually. Sexuality is itself but one “excuse” for engaging our neighbour.


Ok. Not much scope to discuss further if you’re unable to share more about yourself.


to me the problem with you is that you dont know what is to make love as God intends it is done, with love, on marriage, etc. that way is very diferent from a guilty sex that we know offends God. so yeah, sex accoirding to God’s law should be pleasurable.


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