Should we go to Retrouvaille?


#1

I am convinced that my marriage is not sacramental. My husband and I have been separated for several months. I have every intention of filing for divorce and then petitioning for an annulment.

There is a Retrouvaille retreat this weekend in our town and neither my husband nor I want to attend, but a small part of me is just curious about going since I have heard about all these remarkable success stories.

The thing is, I’ve noticed that in all the success stories I’ve read, there was at least one of the spouses who was very committed to wanting to make the marriage work, and that scenario does not describe our situation. So is it pointless for us to attend?


#2

Please go!!! You both may not realize it right now but this divorce may really rip your heart, or your spouse’s heart to pieces. Give yourselves a chance to save your marriage and avoid the potential pain you may experience. Think about it. I’ll say some prayers for you. Good luck.


#3

What makes you convinced that your marriage is not sacramental?

Have you talked with a priest about this?


#4

[quote="itinerant1, post:3, topic:183144"]
What makes you convinced that your marriage is not sacramental?

Have you talked with a priest about this?

[/quote]

I'd rather not get into the details on here, but yes I have talked to a priest and he said that while he (of course) cannot say for sure, from what I was telling him he said that he thought I would likely be granted an annulment.


#5

What exactly would you have to lose?

If you try, and your marriage still fails, you have lost nothing.

If you try, and your marriage works out, you have gained everything.

Seems a pretty simply answer. Especially when we are talking about a weekend of work.


#6

[quote="zz912, post:5, topic:183144"]
What exactly would you have to lose?

If you try, and your marriage still fails, you have lost nothing.

If you try, and your marriage works out, you have gained everything.

Seems a pretty simply answer. Especially when we are talking about a weekend of work.

[/quote]

That was my initial thought. I am the one who wants a divorce, but yet I am the one who has tried to get my husband to come to counseling with me for the past several years and he has refused.

I told him this was the last chance and that if he claimed to not want a divorce then he could arrange for us to go to this retreat. I gave him all the info about it several months ago, and the retreat is TODAY and he is floundering about it because he knows I don't really want to go.

That is the truth - I DON'T want to go, but I told him I would go if he arranged it.

He isn't fighting for me or saying we should go regardless, so it makes me want to attend even less. He says he doesn't want a divorce yet the "what do we have to lose" argument isn't really fazing him.


#7

[quote="sydney28, post:6, topic:183144"]
That was my initial thought. I am the one who wants a divorce, but yet I am the one who has tried to get my husband to come to counseling with me for the past several years and he has refused.

I told him this was the last chance and that if he claimed to not want a divorce then he could arrange for us to go to this retreat. I gave him all the info about it several months ago, and the retreat is TODAY and he is floundering about it because he knows I don't really want to go.

That is the truth - I DON'T want to go, but I told him I would go if he arranged it.

He isn't fighting for me or saying we should go regardless, so it makes me want to attend even less. He says he doesn't want a divorce yet the "what do we have to lose" argument isn't really fazing him.

[/quote]

Ahh.

I'm going to go out on a limb here, and make a few assumptions/predictions from what you've said so far. I think deep down, you both love and care for each other. But something has gotten both of you off the path of a loving and committed relationship/marriage. Somewhere the passion cooled. And you want him to fight for you and for your marriage. And he has been hurt and rejected by you. And both of you are too stubborn to do anything about it. So your marriage is falling apart.

I know I went out on a limb, but from what you told us, that's my best guess.


#8

I care enough about him as a person that I don't want to purposely hurt him, but I do not love him and I never have. I only went through with the wedding out of fear of calling it off. I thought it was just "cold feet", but I now know that we never should have married to begin with.

While we do have typical "marriage" problems (money, communication, etc.), the deeper underlying issue is that I do not love him.

Even if I cannot get our marriage annulled and cannot remarry, I feel like he should at least be able to find someone else who actually loves him. (He is not Catholic, and I highly doubt he would marry another Catholic...as the difference in religion has been one of the many sources of our misery)

Long story short - I'm not sure that Retrouvaille is applicable for us...


#9

[quote="sydney28, post:1, topic:183144"]
I am convinced that my marriage is not sacramental. My husband and I have been separated for several months. I have every intention of filing for divorce and then petitioning for an annulment.

There is a Retrouvaille retreat this weekend in our town and neither my husband nor I want to attend, but a small part of me is just curious about going since I have heard about all these remarkable success stories.

The thing is, I've noticed that in all the success stories I've read, there was at least one of the spouses who was very committed to wanting to make the marriage work, and that scenario does not describe our situation. So is it pointless for us to attend?

[/quote]

I just finished a Retrouvaille retreat. You don't have to be "committed to wanting to make the marriage work" to benefit from it. You just need to be committed to learn how to communicate with your spouse better.

Maybe your end goal is to make the divorce go smoothly. Maybe your end goal is to gain a deeper understanding of what derailed your relationship (even if you think you already know, you can explore it deeper). Going to Retrouvaille will either improve the relationship you are in, or improve your chances at being in a successful relationship in the future.

Of course, it'd be BEST if you went into it wanting to save your marriage, but it wouldn't be a waste of time if that wasn't your real goal.

The only warning is you must be willing to "just go with it." Dive into the process and trust that it has worked for hundreds of people and it might work for you, no matter how skeptical you feel at times.


#10

[quote="Augusta_Sans, post:9, topic:183144"]
I just finished a Retrouvaille retreat. You don't have to be "committed to wanting to make the marriage work" to benefit from it. You just need to be committed to learn how to communicate with your spouse better.

Maybe your end goal is to make the divorce go smoothly. Maybe your end goal is to gain a deeper understanding of what derailed your relationship (even if you think you already know, you can explore it deeper). Going to Retrouvaille will either improve the relationship you are in, or improve your chances at being in a successful relationship in the future.

Of course, it'd be BEST if you went into it wanting to save your marriage, but it wouldn't be a waste of time if that wasn't your real goal.

The only warning is you must be willing to "just go with it." Dive into the process and trust that it has worked for hundreds of people and it might work for you, no matter how skeptical you feel at times.

[/quote]

Thank you!

I just told my husband that I think we should go - he said okay. So we will see...


#11

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