Should we respect a dead person's last wish?


#1

For instance, the person’s wish was to die a discreet death, as in no newspaper publication informing people he/she had passed. “No publication” also means no publicising right? Isn’t it the same thing as publishing in the papers when you publish the news of this person’s death on your Facebook, with the pictures and full name?

Is this not disrespecting the dead person’s wish?


#2

If the last wishes were not to have a newspaper obit then it would go without saying putting it out on the internet would be violating this request.:shrug:


#3

Depends what the wishes are.

When dh was in the hospital, he requested I tell NO ONE, not even his parents. I honored his request for about a week. When it was becoming very clear to me that he was not going to improve, I told dh that I was going to tell his parents. He went ballistic in the hospital. He informed me I was to do no such thing, and only after he had died was I to tell them. What was the right thing to do there?

Next he told me he wanted to be buried in only the best - the highest quality casket, the best vault, everything.

When he died, we were $50k in debt. Yes, he had life insurance, but I have a house and 3 kids, 2 of whom are in college now. Did it make sense to buy the best most expensive casket and vault?

What would you have done?


#4

[quote="Catholic90, post:3, topic:253580"]
Depends what the wishes are.

When dh was in the hospital, he requested I tell NO ONE, not even his parents. I honored his request for about a week. When it was becoming very clear to me that he was not going to improve, I told dh that I was going to tell his parents. He went ballistic in the hospital. He informed me I was to do no such thing, and only after he had died was I to tell them. What was the right thing to do there?

Next he told me he wanted to be buried in only the best - the highest quality casket, the best vault, everything.

When he died, we were $50k in debt. Yes, he had life insurance, but I have a house and 3 kids, 2 of whom are in college now. Did it make sense to buy the best most expensive casket and vault?

What would you have done?

[/quote]

I would have given him a decent, but inexpensive funeral and managed the remainder of the policy so that I could have done the most good for my family. The only one that benifits from "the best" is the funeral home. As for his family, he was still alive and still had the choice not to let them know. I would have called as soon as possible after his death.

Sorry you had to made such tough choices at such a difficult time.


#5

My reply was limited to the situation laid out by the op. Naturally, all situations are not equal and there are circumstances when the last wishes cant or maybe shouldnt be complied with.


#6

You know... I think an obit, and creating a facebook PAGE to announce a death would be the same thing... But what's to stop someone from saying... hey my grandma so and so died... Just 'cause she didn't want it "public" doesn't mean I can't tell my friends my grandmother died and that's why I'm a wreck...

It's one thing to respect the wishes of someone that have ZERO impact on others... I think quite another when they do....

But that's just me...


#7

I think notification in the obituary of the newspaper is a legal requirement.


#8

[quote="auderyja, post:1, topic:253580"]
For instance, the person's wish was to die a discreet death, as in no newspaper publication informing people he/she had passed. "No publication" also means no publicising right? Isn't it the same thing as publishing in the papers when you publish the news of this person's death on your Facebook, with the pictures and full name?

Is this not disrespecting the dead person's wish?

[/quote]

I think it depends upon what you mean by publishing the news on Facebook. Say my dad never wanted an obit in the paper or something similar, I would honor that. But putting something on my personal wall on FB, with my dad's full name and pic that only my approved friends could see, to ease my grief, would be different, IMO.


#9

[quote="sistermouse, post:4, topic:253580"]
I would have given him a decent, but inexpensive funeral and managed the remainder of the policy so that I could have done the most good for my family. The only one that benifits from "the best" is the funeral home. As for his family, he was still alive and still had the choice not to let them know. I would have called as soon as possible after his death.

Sorry you had to made such tough choices at such a difficult time.

[/quote]

He had a basic casket and a plain liner - cheapest one, in fact. I figured it was going in the ground, so why spend thousands on it. :shrug:

Also, my MIL and I have always had a great relationship, and there was no way I was going to jeopardize that over DH's request HIS OWN MOTHER not be notified he was dying! I put myself in her shoes and asked myself if I would want to spend any remaining time with my son, and there was no question that his parents had every right to know he was dying. I cannot imagine how devastating it would have been to his parents to not have been told he was in the hospital for 1 month, laying dying, and not know. I imagine they would no longer be speaking to me or my children. They are wonderful people (always have been), so I felt the request was irrational.

[quote="Jim_Dandy, post:7, topic:253580"]
I think notification in the obituary of the newspaper is a legal requirement.

[/quote]

No, it is not. It is a great way for the newspaper to make money, though, because it is very expensive.


#10

Death notice, yes. OBITUARY no.

OP. As Catholics we are required to honor the dead. Sometimes that goes with the dead’s wishes, sometimes it does not. You need to do what’s right for you, your family and friends.


#11

[quote="Catholic90, post:3, topic:253580"]
Depends what the wishes are.

What would you have done?

[/quote]

Exactly what you did.

You were the beneficiary named on the insurance policy. The money was yours. Not telling family about a mortal illness and allowing them to say goodbyes, pray for their loved one, say I love you, or whatever needs to be said is a big mistake. Sometimes when people are dying their mental faculties fail them (they get a little crazy and confused). It is up to their loved ones to make decisions.

You made the right ones.


#12

Depends of whether these wishes are reasonable or not. Some people do get quite irrational towards the end of the life and make demands that are difficult for the family.

A few examples. I would not respect a wish that would include a funeral that was not Christian (I’m talking about a Christian dying here, regardless of whether they are practicing or not). My father keeps talking about his ashes being scattered and I always say I will have nothing to do with it. And if his wife complies I will not attend this pagan event. Too horrible to even contemplate.
And I would not keep a death secret. My mother found out last year that one of her aunts died when she phoned to catch up and see how she is doing. My mother was shocked. Nobody notified the family. She thought it was cruel not to do that.


#13

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