My friend wants to marry in a few years. But his parents want him to marry a particular “type” of a girl. But he is not looking for that “type” of a girl. After all, it is his life, he is going to live with that girl for his whole life.
What should he do? Obey his parents, or take his own decision? He confessed to me that he’s pretty confused, for the Bible says we must obey our parents (Eph 6:1-3). But if he does not marry the girl of his choice, he might end up screwing his life.
I don’t have time to write very much right now, but here it is:
Honor your father and mother doesn’t mean obey them unconditionally. A person is not supposed to follow their parents into sin, for example.
The primary duty of a parent is to properly form their child’s conscience and give them the tools they need in life. Once a person is an adult and able to make rational decisions on their own, they are free to do so.
Your friend can marry who he wants, but he should very carefully listen to the wisdom of his parents.
this is from a page out of the book “A brief catechism for adults”
"Son, support the old age of thy father, and grieve him not in his life; and if his understanding fail, have patience with him, and despise him not when thou art in thy strength: for the relieving of the father shall not be forgotten. For good shall be repaid to thee for the sin of thy mother. And in justice thou shalt be built up, and in the day of affliction thou shalt be remembered: and thy sins shall melt away as the ice in the fair warm weather." (Ecclesiasticus 3:14-17)
What is the Fourth Commandment?
Honor thy father and thy mother.
"With thy whole heart, honor thy father, and forget not the groanings of thy mother: Remember that thou hadst not been born but through them: and make a return to them as they have done for thee." (Ecclesiasticus 7:28-30)
What are the duties of children toward their parents?
To love and respect them as long as they live.
To obey them in all things, except sin.
To help them in their old age, or when they are sick and helpless.
To see that they receive the Last Sacraments and a Catholic funeral; if they are not Catholic, to encourage them to join the True Church.
How long is a child obliged to obey his parents?
Until approximately the 21st birthday, or until he or she leaves home to be married or to become a priest or sister.
Do your parents come before your marriage partner?
No, your first obligation is to your marriage partner and your children.
What are the sins against the Fourth Commandment?
Disobeying one’s parents; hating, threatening, cursing, striking, or insulting them; being ashamed of them; wishing them evil; speaking or acting unkindly toward them; causing them anger or sorrow.
What else does the Fourth Commandment oblige you to do?
To respect all lawful authority, especially the authority of the Church and the State.
"Let every soul be subject to higher powers: for there is no power but from God: and those that are, are ordained of God. Therefore he that resisteth the power, resisteth the ordinance of God... Render therefore to all men their dues. Tribute, to whom tribute is due: custom, to whom custom: fear, to whom fear: honor, to whom honor." (Romans 13:1-7)
as for your question about your friend obeying his parents as to which girl he should marry…i think that just really depends on what they’re asking, like are they being reasonable? are they giving good reasons or just being nit picky?
well, the most important thing is finding a catholic(that’s what the church recommends), but if he wants some advice on what he should be looking for in a girl or even a friend, have him read the first chapter of this book -
(it’s an online book…but you can buy the book to) columbia.edu/cu/augustine/arch/chastity.html#ch1
alot of people found that book to be very helpful and clear alot up about things they were always unsure of…so i hope it’ll help him to, you can even print it off if you want.
it’s not really about what you should look for in a friend, but more about what a real friend is.
I suggest you share the explanation of this commandment from the Catechism with your friend.
2217 As long as a child lives at home with his parents, the child should obey his parents in all that they ask of him when it is for his good or that of the family. “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Children should also obey the reasonable directions of their teachers and all to whom their parents have entrusted them. But if a child is convinced in conscience that it would be morally wrong to obey a particular order, he must not do so.
As they grow up, children should continue to respect their parents. They should anticipate their wishes, willingly seek their advice, and accept their just admonitions. Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit.
2230 When they become adults, children have the right and duty to choose their profession and state of life. They should assume their new responsibilities within a trusting relationship with their parents, willingly asking and receiving their advice and counsel.** Parents should be careful not to exert pressure on their children either in the choice of a profession or in that of a spouse.** This necessary restraint does not prevent them - quite the contrary from giving their children judicious advice, particularly when they are planning to start a family.
If the guy is worried about this, then he shouldn’t get married because he needs to KNOW what he’s doing and to be able to discuss it with his parents AS AN ADULT.
As the parent of an adult myself – one who is making choices that are not choices I would make – I realize that since she is on her own, responsible, exercising what I consider to be good judgment (even if it is not the BEST judgment), it is none of my business to dicate to her whom to date or marry.
Am I going to pay her bills? Raise her children? Live with her husband? Nope. My right to tell my kids what to do stops when they are on their own. Until then, they need to operate under my regs.
Actually, I was just looking over a form for examination of conscience and came across the question:
“Do you try to manipulate your adult children’s lives?”
Obedience toward parents ceases with the emancipation of the children; not so respect, which is always owed to them. This respect has its roots in the fear of God, one of the gifts of the Holy Spirit. (Catechism of the Catholic Church)
I had asked “Does this have a scriptural basis, or should we accept it as the church’s infallible teaching?” and nobody has answered that as yet.
The commandment to “honor your father and mother.” Sheesh. Exodus 20. Remember?
All normative magisterial teaching enjoys the presumption of infalliblity. So, practically speaking, as an organ of the Magisterium the Catechism enjoys the presumption of teaching with an authority binding upon all Catholics.