Should you out an adulterer?

If you catch someone else committing adultery, should you tell their spouse what is happening? Should you keep quiet?

Why or why not?

No, I wouldn’t tell. Any energy I spent on it would be in asking the adulterer to repent and work on his or her marriage. If they were unrepentant I might cut ties. And I’d pray for them.

It’s not always wise for even the adulterer to admit adultery to his or her spouse, for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it is the best thing to do, but not always. (If you’re in this position, ask the priest in the confessional!)

It’s an interesting question. I think largely it has to be situational. There are people I would tell. My sister for example if I knew, I mean saw it with my own eyes. On the other hand it can destroy families. And you may not be privy to the inner workings of a marriage. I think it comes down to situations and relationships with the people involved. Generally I would lean to the don’t tell side. But there are times I’d yell it from the hilltops…

So you both say no (at least that honesty isn’t always the best policy).

If your spouse was the adulterer, would you want your friend to tell you?

It depends. If my wife was having an affair at work and it was ongoing? Then a good friend could tell me. However a email or phone call from some co worker or even a casual friend would cause my marriage to fail. I would also think “proof” would be offered.

If it were a one night stand. No. I would not expect to be notified by another person. In the case of a one night stand years ago? I’d not want to know now even from my spouse. If paternity is an issue then that changes everything and I would want to know.

Years ago when my wife and I were engaged someone put a note on her car that I was cheating. It wasn’t true, we never found out who it was. I have it narrowed down between 3 x girlfriends or her best friend. It caused some damage. It could have been worse.

N.Y.O.B. (None Of Your Business) Keep quiet.

Nowhere near as significant, but if a wife asks “does this dress make me look fat, dear?”
I can guarantee that honesty is not always the best policy :o

Here’s one more question.

If (hypothetically) you found out on your own that your wife had an affair and/or is having an affair, AND you found out that a friend of your knew about it and said nothing, would you still be friends with that person?

How do you “catch” someone committing adultery? Normally one would not see another couple having sex, and if you draw conclusions on the basis of anything less, you may be guilty of rash judgement. What sort of “evidence” do you have? (or, if this is all hypothetical, what sort of evidence do you envision?)

Assuming that I flat-out knew that Xxx was committing adultery, there is a difference between my going to the offended spouse and telling him/her ([s]he might need to get tested for STDs) and my going to someone who was outside the relationship and telling him/her. There is also a difference between my volunteering the information, in either of the cases mentioned above, and my being confronted by a direct question, “Is Xxx fooling around?” There are too many situational variables for one direct answer to the question posed in the thread title.

If I truly know the person, I wouldn’t say anything to their significant other but I would certainly confront the adulterer.

There are a number of ways to find this out, none of which have to involve going full detective. Stumbling upon a love-letter, for example, could be conclusive enough if it’s explicit enough.

But for the sake of the scenario, let’s pretend you have enough evidence beyond reasonable doubt.

Let’s not and say we did. :wink:

What if the adulterer refuses to end their affair?

Adultery is considered a tremendous betrayal by the victimized spouse - I presume.

I’m in a situation where I suspect there is adultery in a marriage, pretty vague clues, but definitely odd behavior. I said nothing, and still maintain silence because I don’t have proof.

If I did have proof in this real case, it would be extremely damaging to put these cards on the table with the spouse.

I’ve already been told to butt out, on much more innocent and objective grounds, for criticizing some spending what I considered non-conservative amounts of money on unessential items (e.g. tattoos).

There are deep fractures in this relationship including health issues of both partners who are ~40 years of age. They’re definitely going through the for better or for worse stage, more of the latter. They need each other as much as (I think) they love each other. It would be difficult for them to separate, like stepping off of a high-speed train in motion.

In the old testament, there was the notorious “water test” of a woman accused by her husband of adultery. It’s one of those Bible commands that undoubtedly was intended to deter a woman from engaging in adultery. Passing the test, as I recall, relied virtually on divine intervention or superstition at the least. It’s hard to say what the deterents are today.

At the highest level, marital adultery shows how destructive sins (all kinds of sin) are, essentially forms of spiritual adultery, a betrayal of our relationship with God.

Did you see your friend’s wife? Then why not approach the wife?

What I would do is keep quiet. She herself might end it and stay with your friend. It might indeed be an affair but she might not want to end her marriage even if she even thinks she loves the other person because she might just love your friend more.

If you tell your friend, your presence will always be a reminder of her transgression whether he leaves her or if they work it out. You will lose.

Matthew 8:15-17!

"15 And he touched her hand, and the fever left her: and she arose, and ministered unto them.

16 When the even was come, they brought unto him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word, and healed all that were sick:

17 That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses."

How was this supposed to answer the question? Am I missing something?

It would first depend on my relationship and how close it is. Is this a co-worker, a close friend, my sister, my grandchildren, a neighbor? The more distant I am from the people the harder it is to justify getting involved.

That said: if I found out my brother/sister or close friend were currently having an affair. I would go to them with a personal warning first. I would give them say 48 hours to end the affair immediately and seek help otherwise I would be going to their spouse. The spouse deserves a warning in this situation only because their health may be in danger, as well as any possible other children that may be conceived? They have a right to know what circumstances they are living under, but I would warn the offender first with a chance to stop what they were doing.

I know of people who were the victim spouse in this circumstance and they felt completely betrayed, not only by their spouse but by others who knew and said nothing. There is the chance of being the “bad guy” too and passing on unwelcome information no doubt, but it would be a chance I would take.

I think Wizard left out a 1. Matt. 18:15-17 = Moreover if thy brother shall trespass against thee, go and tell him his fault between thee and him alone: if he shall hear thee, thou hast gained thy brother. But if he will not hear thee, then take with thee one or two more, that in the mouth of two or three witnesses every word may be established. And if he shall neglect to hear them, tell it unto the church: but if he neglect to hear the church, let him be unto thee as an heathen man and a publican.

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