Significant others and their past relationships


#1

I am in dire need of advice, as I have found myself in a situation where I don't know what the Catholic way to handle it would be.

I have been in my current relationship with my boyfriend for about 2 years. Early into our relationship we had a discussion about past relationships and the virginity issue. We both talked about how we were virgins, and thought that waiting until marriage was so neat.

Some time passed and during that time my boyfriend shared with me more details about his past relationships. Especially the one which obviously meant the most to him. He showed me old pictures of his ex girlfriend on his computer and told me all about her (how they met, what class they had together, their first kiss, etc.). I have to say that in many ways that was too much information, so I asked him not to be so open about in the future with me.

More time passed, and eventually the cat came out of the bag that his relations with this particular girl were much more intimate than I thought. He brought a few points up in passing conversation, and I asked questions to find out more (by that time I felt like I then knew enough that I was going to have to know more details or always wonder). I came to know all about the term "technical virgin" which I hadn't ever heard of in my life.

I can't deny the fact that this was very shocking and hurtful to hear. In no way shape or form was I trying to say I didn't love my boyfriend anymore. I still loved him, but it was a bit of a shock to my system to think one thing for so long, and then find out something different. I know he didn't purposely lie to me, but it still hurt me.

It took awhile for my heart to heal. But over things become more distant in my mind, and I was able to move on in our relationship.

That is, until recently. In visiting my boyfriend's Facebook page to wish him a happy birthday, I discovered that he and his ex girlfriend had become friends and are in contact with each other. I've tried so hard to not let it bother me and to realize it's his life and I can't tell him who to be friends with.

But I am still so entirely heartbroken over this. How am I supposed to get over this and move on when I feel like it is constantly bombarding me? Why do I have to know everything about his ex girlfriend and know that they are talking to each other?

I am trying to be forgiving and see it as no big deal, but my boyfriend knows how much it hurts me to think or talk about this particular ex girlfriend. He knows I use Facebook all the time, and like to visit his page. He knew I was going to see this.

I get so frustrated at myself sometimes, because I feel like I should have a hard heart and not be bothered my this. As my boyfriend told me in the past, he can't understand why it's such a big deal to me; it wasn't to his other ex girlfriends because they had unchaste pasts too. Then I find myself feeling even worse because I didn't fit the stereotypical way of how he thought I should act in this situation.

I had moved on, forgiven him, told him that I loved him anyway, and then it all came back with this recent turn of events. I feel like he is being insensitive.

Does anybody have any help for me on what I should do? I feel like I can't talk to my boyfriend without coming across as unloving, accusatory, demanding, or any one of those things.

I just need help.


#2

Forgiveness is the key to the past, love the key to the future and trust for today is paramount. The Catholic way is to accept things based on the fact that you chose to love him and make the commitment to this relationship. God does in-fact know all and your prayer life should reflect your trust in Him that He will look out for your best interests. You must also make your loved one aware of your feelings in a gentle manner explaining to him that these things DO matter to you and that you are asking for absolute honesty from him.

Other than these things, welcome to the human world!

        Technical Virgin????? what a copout!!!!!   :rolleyes:

#3

I would encourage you not to jump to conclusions about his current situation with his ex. Being “friends” on facebook (as you probably know) isn’t really saying much. I have a couple of people that I “friended” who I hardly speak to and rarely see.

With the other stuff, if you boil it all down it sounds like he was letting out a little bit of information at a time,so that now he’s not exactly the person you thought he was. You need to have a heart to heart with him to see if there’s anything else about his past that you need to know, i.e. has he been tested for STDs. This is not a matter of not trusting/loving him. This is your health and well-being at stake.

Make sure he’s worthy of your trust before you marry him. If you find there’s usually more to the story than he initially tells you, take that as a red flag.


#4

Hi Godwarrior,

welcome to the forums! The Family Life section has many wonderful people who love discussing such things - I wonder, would it make sense to move your thread there?

I’m sorry to say, your boyfriend doesn’t treat you right. Instead of telling you in the beginning that he was a virgin, he should have told you that although he was “technically virgin”, he had an unchaste life in the past. Even just staying silent on the whole issue would have been better, it would have been more honest from his part. He misled you. He “technically didn’t lie”, since he is “technically virgin”. It doesn’t sound good to me.

Also, it’s only natural that you feel hurt seeing how your bf started to communicate again with this past girlfriend of his.

I tell you, frankly, I wouldn’t do this to my girlfriend or spouse, and I wouldn’t allow to be treated like this. And you shouldn’t allow to be treated like this, either. Your bf, as he is, is not marriage material. He should learn first honesty, openness, and how to forsake all other women, especially past girlfriends, for your sake.


#5

Hi Joseph!

Thank you for the response. Do you know how I could go about moving this thread to the Family Life section? I wasn’t quite sure where to post it, so I think moving it might be a good idea.

The last paragraph of your response pretty much summed up how I feel in my heart. I feel like my boyfriend is not forsaking all others, and it does hurt.


#6

Hi there!

Thank you for the response.

I’m not sure I was really jumping to conclusions about him being friends with her on Facebook. It was mostly the hurt factor of knowing she is still a part of his life when I thought she wasn’t (even if it is platonic).

I definitely did feel like he was letting information out a bit at a time about this… but he insists that he wasn’t purposely trying to hide things from me.

We have had a heart to heart in the past. And for awhile I felt like things were better, up until recently.

I think he tries really hard. I haven’t seen any patterns in our relationship of me only getting half of the story. Only on this particular topic.


#7

I just don’t know how to forgive in this situation. I thought I had, but now I feel like my forgiveness is being taken advantage of and I am having a hard time dealing with that aspect of it.

Yeah, I thought technical virgin was quite ridiculous myself. :confused:


#8

Middle-aged married woman's opinion here, for what it's worth . . .

Well, if you're looking for a reason or an excuse to let go of this guy, then you have one. You can say goodbye.

People experiment with sex when they're young. That's completely normal. When guys grow up they eventually realize that all their youthful trangressions were ridiculous and silly at best . . . and tragic (STDs, unplanned pregnancies, date rape) at worst. Personally, I don't think your boyfriend did anything terrible, but that's my perspective.

Let's say that you marry this guy and fast forward to when you're both in your 50's and have been married over 20 years. Is what he did with a former girlfriend going to matter? If there aren't STDs or children to deal with, then the answer really is no. You're going to be too wrapped up in your children, grandchildren, your jobs, the economy, your parish, the house, your eldery parents, how much money you need to retire, etc.

I'm friends with my high school sweetheart on Facebook. It's fun to keep in touch. No one's threatened by this at all. But again, if you're looking for a reason to break up with your boyfriend, you can always use this.


#9

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