SIL near occasion of sin. Anyone with the same trouble?


#1

My sil is seriously a near occasion of sin for me. I feel always on the defensive with her. The reality is that I'm sad that we don't have a decent relationship. She'll be polite in person when her husband is around, but over email and such, she really takes some serious jabs, personal ones. Her sister and mother have also done the same thing to me. There can be an issue discussed, and I was always taught to attack the issue, not the person. I cannot say how many times I've been accused of being judgmental, lacking compassion, etc. just because I don't agree with her (she's a pro-women's ordination, pro-gay marriage, etc. Catholic who works with Catholic youth). But I never say comments like "you" this or "you" that. And then I wonder if I should say something to the pastor where she works, but I don't know what she teaches the kids and I don't know if it's solely out of wanting to protect them or getting back at her, aka, my intentions wouldn't be 100% pure, though I do worry about what she teaches the kids.

I told my husband last night that I will not be going to their house (it's his side of the family) b/c I do not feel welcomed there.

I know not everyone here has perfect families, has anyone had to just avoid and/or cut off family due to them being a near occasion of sin?


#2

I have a similar relationship with my bil. I only see him a few times a year, so it is easy enough just to grin and bear it.

What I suggest, based on my own experience, is just to politely disengage. If some one is really entrenched in these non-Catholic beliefs, you are will never get much of a foothold. Something bigger than a sil is going to be needed to move them. Pray for her, but don’t try and engage in debate. It sounds like you have made your point clear. Since she is Catholic, I would be upfront and tell her that your discussions are causing you some heartache and you care too much for your family (her included) to let this get in the way.

At the end of the day her views are not acceptable from a Catholic standpoint. You need to live in a way where you can be an example, and a shining one at that. Open dialog is one way to educate mis-guided Catholics. Proudly living the faith is another. It sounds like your situation dictates the latter.

I’ll be praying for you.


#3

I have several relatives and friends who get me upset.

My Mom is very critical of me. When I get angry with her and tell her off I go to my priest for confession.

My sister also likes to critize me but I tell her...."DON'T GO THERE", lets change the subject. I also have the habit of cutting our telephone calls short because if I stay too long on the phone she starts getting negative with me.

My sister-in-law has some crazy ideas about things so I have learned not to argue with her on anything I don't agree with. She is the type of person where she makes me go in a circle over and over in a discussion. I prefer just to let it go.

My advise to you is to just avoid the negative comments that your relative says to you.
Change the subject. E-mails are so easy just to avoid whatever a person is saying to you.
You just talk about what you want to talk about in e-mails.

Since that person is your relative.... don't go and tell on her to her boss. The boss already knows that person real well. You will only get yourself in trouble with her and your whole family.
It is funny how family members know our flaws and we know their flaws but we keep the peace for the sake of keeping the family members together.

I am an old lady now and my goal in life has always been to keep our family members together and not critize them at all. I don't throw stones at them either. I love them with all of their flaws because someday they will die and I will not get to see them again.

My Mom tells everybody that I am her evil mean daughter. I just laugh about it and I tell people in front of her that... "yes I am her mean daughter and I laugh."
People always say, "You don't look mean to me". I put my mom in her place when she says mean things to hurt my feelings.

My advise to you is say, "I don't agree with you"....."I have my own way of thinking about things". Say whatever you want in your own words. If you know you are right about some things just say what you think without walking on egg shells.

Wean yourself from that relative and try to avoid her as much as possible.


#4

[quote="gmarie21, post:1, topic:184235"]
My sil is seriously a near occasion of sin for me. I feel always on the defensive with her. The reality is that I'm sad that we don't have a decent relationship. She'll be polite in person when her husband is around, but over email and such, she really takes some serious jabs, personal ones. Her sister and mother have also done the same thing to me. There can be an issue discussed, and I was always taught to attack the issue, not the person. I cannot say how many times I've been accused of being judgmental, lacking compassion, etc. just because I don't agree with her (she's a pro-women's ordination, pro-gay marriage, etc. Catholic who works with Catholic youth). But I never say comments like "you" this or "you" that. And then I wonder if I should say something to the pastor where she works, but I don't know what she teaches the kids and I don't know if it's solely out of wanting to protect them or getting back at her, aka, my intentions wouldn't be 100% pure, though I do worry about what she teaches the kids.

I told my husband last night that I will not be going to their house (it's his side of the family) b/c I do not feel welcomed there.

I know not everyone here has perfect families, has anyone had to just avoid and/or cut off family due to them being a near occasion of sin?

[/quote]

I understand your pain. It is difficult to get along with people in our families sometimes...especially in laws.

I would just be an example to her in how you live and she'll figure it out. I would NOT stop visiting her, as that is not fair to your husband who you love. Besides, how can she see your wonderful example if you're not around her?

Regarding telling her boss, I would not. You do not know what she is teaching those kids. For example, my sister in law thinks I am a bad Catholic, but I know I am not. I strayed from the Catholic Church for a while, and really missed it. I am not the type of person to talk with her in depth about this, first becuase it's really a personal issue to me, and second, we aren't that close. I love the Catholic Church, missed the sacraments, and feel so lucky to be HOME again. I teach very orthodox to the children. That said, my sister in law may not know I've changed my views, and I would be DEVESTATED if she took it upon herself to call my boss. ALso, I know she would lose the respect of every single person in our family. I would hate to see that happen to you.

I will pray for you. Hopefully you two will come together in your relationship, at least enough for your husband to have harmony in his family.

God bless.


#5

#6

If you know a person who is in a position of authority teaching the Faith and they are not orthodox in belief, speak to them in private. If she will not recant her hetrodox positions, you should inform the pastor where she is. Leave it in his hands.


#7

[quote="kage_ar, post:6, topic:184235"]
If you know a person who is in a position of authority teaching the Faith and they are not orthodox in belief, speak to them in private. If she will not recant her hetrodox positions, you should inform the pastor where she is. Leave it in his hands.

[/quote]

I agree. Talk with her . Maybe she isn't teaching things against our beliefs. What age level is she teaching?

With regard to my situation, like I said, I have family members (not JUST my SIL...I just used her as an example because that was this poster's situation) who might think I do not hold orthodox teachings becasue I stepped away from the church for a while. Again, I no longer hold those views, but have come home to the church. I haven't had in depth discussions with all my family members about my journey home, as I am a private person about my faith...especially family members I'm not close to. I guess my point is, you may not know for sure that YOUR sil still holds the views you think she does.

I am grateful that NO ONE in my family would ever consider doing this to me because of what they think I believe. Please reconsider for her sake, your sake, and your husband's family's sake.

The best thing you can do for her is pray for her. All the time.


#8

My family has had similar issues like most in teaching others the faith. My fathers
side of the family is fallen away Catholic & it is always awkward & at times difficult
to talk with them bc. of the spiritual gap. Ultimately, when speaking to someone you
must judge where they are at spiritually. Many times Jesus did a lot of teaching &
correction at certain opportunities. You can't approach a Catholic the same way as
a Christian nor a Christian the same way as a non-believer. One must judge the
knowledge of the person one is talking too. If she is greatly misinformed then consider
getting her some books. But if she has been taught the position of the Church it is
altogether another matter. Then it is not a question of the intellect but of the will.

Having stated this crucial point, many Catholics fail to realize that there are occasions
when we must say difficult things to people we love. In your situation, it would be appropriate to remind your sister in law that she is jeopardizing her soul & could go to hell for teaching and promoting her positions. If the person has already been taught the position of the Church & been shown the truth the degree of culpability for the soul increases. If you love this person truly you should warn them. I have read many accounts of saints such as St. Bridgit, St. Catherine of Siena, St. Gertrude, Padre Pio, St. Margaret Cortona, etc. & they see souls being torchured by demons in fire for sins of obstinacy, pride of heart, & sins of deception otherwise known as heresy. These are not light sins. We can't forget that sin just doesn't entail action but also words & thoughts. Not only that but a person can mortally sin by their words. If she is actively holding and promoting the death of children(abortion) the Trinity could accuse her of accomplice to murder. This was the case for a Columbian Doctor (Catholic) who openly defied the Church Dr. Gloria Polo english.gloriapolo.net/

She knew & was taught the position of the Church. She was not seeking or open to knowing the position nor of changing. She was electrocuted in a lightening storm & had a Near Death Experience. She was surprised to learn that her words & thoughts promoting abortion constituted a mortal sin & she would be condemned to hell for leading others astray(eventhough she never obtained one herself). The sin of heresy is serious bc. it is a sin of spiritual pride. Leading others or promoting something one has been taught to be evil is the same sin of the Demons.

The "Sin of Deception" or the "Sin of Heresy" is one in which one obstinately teaches something contrary to the Catholic Faith. No, I don't say this lightly. But if you have taught this person the position of the Church & she is still persisting to deny the truth then she needs to repent & go to confession. This will not be easy for you to do, but ultimately, one must be willing to compromise their relationship with others in order to save their souls. The other option of them being lost is too terrible to meditate on. This is why Jesus calls us to choose him above our own family for at times our family is at odds with God or in terrible sin. "He who loves me must hate his father, mother, brothers, etc. for my sake."

Fraternal correction must be done with great humility and love for the person. So you could say something like, "I want to say something to you bc. I love you & I am concerned for your soul..." Once you have warned her about hell then you pray and let the Holy Spirit convict her conscience. The most important thing in fraternal correction is that you correct from a spirit of meekness, humility, love not revenge, false righteousness, nor to get even. For Christ states in Lk 17:1 "If your brother sins against you, rebuke him" But don't rebuke him like the pharisees in a hypocritical fashion-This is the deeper meaning behind the "do not judge" quote that is so often falsely distorted.

Good luck I will pray for you


#9

I have 2 SILs,neither are Catholic, both pro-abortion, pro-gay marriage, pro-sex before marriage etc. Both consider themselves educated and enlightened. Though the years, I have been unable to make a sisterly on even a friendly connection with either of them and it's only gotten worse though the years. I wish I could tell you different. But I've come to realize that their woman's lib, know it all attitudes are just a front to hide the poor choices and the selfish ideals that govern their lives. I

It does no good to give them good example-they can't see it. It does no good to talk about why these issues are wrong-they don't want to hear it. They *need *to justify their stances on these issues or else they would find their lives unbearable (unless of course, they sought forgiveness).

Abortion and the other issues is not petty grievances that divide you from your SIL, These are serious matters.
If she is truely ignorant, then you have a duty to educate her. If she becomes hostile, she already knows the truth and has rejected it. Pray for her out of charity. Keep your distance if contact provokes more problems. The hostility of in-laws and other family members is a cross we bear for speaking the truth to our familys in a culture of death. Offer it up for the broken marriages and poor unborn babies. I'm hearing about alot of woman having trouble with family over these issues and I'm glad we are speaking up for defending life, the family and the Church.


#10

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