Simply put: Why don't I cry?


I am a 15 year old girl and I have been losing people in my life since I was 2 1/2. It started with my ‘Pop-Pop’ (grandfather) and the most recent death I have had in my life was of a friend of mine and her brother, aged 16 years and 9 years of age. At the funerals, funeral home, etc. I never cry. Even when it is of someone who is my age. I didn’t even cry at my Gin-Gin’s (grandmothers) funeral when I (a) had to help place the cloth on the casket and (b) read a prayer. I have lost about 10 people in my life time. I don’t know why I don’t cry at these sad things. It isn’t just death though, whenever something upsets me to the point that I might I cry I never do. I don’t cry to my mom or dad, I’ve cried to my friends once or twice but nothing major. A few weeks ago I woke up and face was wet, almost as if I had been crying in my sleep. Is something wrong with the me, or the way my brain goes through these thought processes? Also I act, and when I do a sad scene for a play and I have to cry it is hard. They tell me to think of something sad, but it never works. I’ve finally started having to resort to just letting my eyes water by not blinking.
:frowning: Is something wrong with me because I don’t cry? Does it mean that I am not sympathetic enough? Any suggestions or ideas? Please help, and if you have a chance please keep me in your prayers.:gopray:


Do you want to cry?I’m sure you still feel…
Some of us would consider this a blessing.If you think you should cry simply so that those around you won’t think you’re insensitive, I guess I can relate somehow.
I’m not a doctor, or a priest.Just a 45 year old carpenter.But, IMHO there probably isn’t anything wrong with you.My GUESS is that you may merely have a sort of stoic disposition.Which could come in handy in situations where other persons may have a nervous breakdown.
After seeing alot of my friends and relatives dying over the years due to various things,…I,too, just sort of learned to hold it all in.This may be why you’re crying in your sleep.I think you should sit down and have a face to face discussion with your pastor.
Otherwise, you could eventually suffer from a breakdown at the most inconvenient time.I have during communion…very embarrassing.But,the release was necessary.
In all honesty I don’t know what to tell you…
very perplexing…


Sweetheart, you have been through so may losses.
In one sense, they have been a natural part of your life so you’ve processed them in your way.
You’d be in a position to know whether you have some natural depression…because this can be a cause of stoicism.
It’s probable that it is the first suggestion…but it certainly doesn’t make you less human and you shouldn’t feel obliged to cry.

If you’re crying in your sleep, that’s most likely your underlying feelings that you’ve been 'holding in" finding expression.

May I suggest that you go back in your mind to each time you lost someone, as if you were there, asking Jesus to be with you to heal you of the loss? If there is need to deal with those issues He’ll be there to help you.

And then just continue with your life with kindness to others and to yourself, and with love for God. You’ll be fine. You’re a good, courageous person.


I know what you mean about feeling different by not crying. My grandfather died when I was a sophmore in high school, my 21 year old cousin 4 months later. Then a 38 year old aunt a year after that.
I didn’t cry at any of their funerals, or at any other point concerning their deaths. I started to wonder, am I that selfish? Am I that calused and uncaring?

I actually prayed to become more emotional. I analized it quite a bit. I thought about how when I was younger I had learned to ignore the constant insults of bullies or my older brother. I completely tuned them out, never getting angry or worked up. This analizing in highschool got me starting to worry I may have shut off some emotion center in my mind. Or another worry was that maybe I was distancing myself from everyone and thus didn’t care when they died.

I can’t tell you I had a definitive answer or ever “rectified this problem”. I’m now 25, with a wife and a child on the way. I’ve cried a couple times since high school. Twice really hard, once when a good friend died and I was trying to express to his parents what a great person he was (they ended up consoling me instead :slight_smile: ) And a second time when I was dumped by a girl I dated for 10 months, even though I knew that we just we would never work out and planned to dump her soon.

But besides those times, I’ve not really very cried. On the flip side, I don’t get too excited either. When my dad suprised me by giving me a car after graduating high school, I said, “Wow, thanks.” in a very genuine but calm manner. Very worried, he asked, “Do you like it?” And I did, I’ve put over 100,000 miles on it, and still drive it - but I’m not the type to jump up and scream.

I say all this to say, I have full confidence that I have nothing mentally, spiritually, or emotionally wrong with me - and I seem to share the symptoms that you describe.

For me, I attribute it to being extremely analitical. I analize a situation, judge good/bad and decide. My wife loves it, she is a worrier. She has losts of emotion (up and down) and second guesses alot. She appreciates that I can be a sort of rock to cling to when things are hard.
On the flip side being analitical means most of the time when I sin, it’s premeditated and thus mortal. And I can be stubborn about things I’ve already answered b/c I looked at the facts and decided - why rehash?

I suggest just trusting your high school and college years learning about yourself in the same way I was able to. Learn what gifts you have and where you are lacking - then work on maximizing the former and improving the later.
You’re 15, at that age it’s normal do doubt that you are normal (ironic isn’t it). And it’s normal to not fully understand your personality b/c it’s still in high development. Stive to be a saint now. Make as many good habits as possible now. Trust God built you well now. Then looking back even as young as 25 you’ll likely look back at the you from 10 years ago and think, “What a great young woman, I’m glad she strove for virtue allowing me to become who I am”…and all the worries about ‘being normal’ or ‘where are my emotions?’ will just put a little smirk on your face and you’re think, “There weren’t any problems, that’s just me.”


Well, I’m sorry for your losses. :frowning:
Have you ever studied the four Greek temperments? Phlegmaticism is one of the temperments, and it’s a very reserved and stoic. I know people like that; I’ve never seen my mother cry, even at my grandfather’s funeral. She has a Phlegmntic temperment. Sometimes people mistake Plegmatics as “uncaring” and “emotionless” but that’s terribly wrong. They may not show it, but they have jsut as much emotions as everyone else.

Anyway, I’ll say a prayer for you. :crossrc:

God bless you, if you want, you should confide in your priest.


I never cry in such situations because I’m afraid that if I start, I’ll never stop.

So don’t beat yourself up: you have a right to morn in your own way. It isn’t a contest, you aren’t being judged by anyone but yourself.


Did you experience a lot of emotional sorrow at these events you mentioned? Usually I cry when my emotional anguish becomes so strong I can’t contain it anymore. That’s why tears well up in my eyes and I start to sob. The emotional turmoil finds an external release through my visible signs of crying. It sounds like you don’t experience all that much sorrow in your life.


It may be that you don’t ‘allow’ yourself to cry. Some people have very good or almost perfect control of their emotions.

IF that comes natural to you that is okay. BUT if you force yourself to hide your emotions that may be unhealthy. I tend to get too emotional especially if I see other folks cry. It not a good trait for a guy. Our society tends to look down on guys that are too emotional.

Compassion is a big part of Christ’s personality, and as Christians we are taught to be merciful and compassionate. This does not mean we should be crying at every funeral, but we should empathsize with those who have lost a loved one. Tears are only one way of showing empathy, a few kind words of sympathy or encouragement may also surfice.

You don’t have to cry to show compassion. IF you don’t feel like crying, don’t. Fake tears are much worse than none at all.



I guess I come from a perspective of having less control over a strong emotion like sorrow. When I do experience intense sorrow (like over the passing of a dearly loved one), it’s usually much more intense then my willpower to stop it. I just become overwhelmed with sorrow and cry sometimes in situations I find embarrassing. When my grandmother passed, there were 3 or 4 instances where I just started crying in public. It was quiet but I did shed tears thinking about her passing. You obviously have more control over your emotions and just internalize the emotional turmoil. For me, crying is a natural release. It isn’t something I choose but something that comes on spontaneously. To tell you the truth, I’m glad I can cry. It helps to alleviate the pain of loss, fear, whatever that I have been harboring. It’s also transitional. For instance, if I’m crying over the loss of someone, it helps me to then move on from the mourning stage to the next stage in my life. I eventually attain a peace over the person or event I wouldn’t have otherwise had if I had either intentionally internalized the pain or had the unfortunate non-capacity to show sorrow through tears.


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