I struggle very much with wanting badly to have the experiences my friends have already had.
Sex, drugs, debauchery in general. I stayed away from it when I was younger, because I wanted to be a good Christian. I still stay away from it. However, part of me really wants to know how it feels to do bad things.
I was always made to feel like I was prudish and inexperienced by those around me, but I didn’t care, because I knew I was keeping myself as in line as I could for God.
To be clear - though I’m curious, I would never voluntarily choose to sin in the ways I’ve mentioned.
It’s just that, at 20, most of my Catholic friends on campus came from sinful previous lives, and share their stories to give strength to each other. I don’t have a story to share, and I sound self righteous when I tell them that I was always more interested in living a good Catholic life.
I just feel sad, and honestly I feel very naive and inexperienced. If it weren’t for the deep connection God has given me with Him in my prayer life, and my experience of the overflowing grace present in the sacraments (especially Holy Communion and Reconciliation) from a very young age, I would eagerly indulge my sinful urges.
I tried to make my faith who I am. I did it, as much as possible, but now that I’m older I find it harder to relate to people. If I’m honest, occasionally I make up stories of a sinful past so that people don’t find me arrogant and self righteous.
(This isn’t to say I’ve never sinned. I had a terrible porn addiction from 12 to 16, but no one really sees that as a “big deal”.)
How should I feel about these things?