Single as a vocation


#1

A vocation is one that must be freely chosen.

So here I am, 32, single female. I work for the Church, I live a chaste life. I believe I am called to marriage:
The way God designed me as an extrovert… I live by myself and although I like my alone time, it drives me crazy to not be able to process my days with someone. When I am dating someone and speak often with them on the phone, I am so at peace, feel closure on my day, etc
When I have extended periods of being alone alot, I get feeling toxic, and not peaceful. Sometimes its loneliness, but other times it is real psychological energy that isn’t being expended the way I should.
I study theology of the body and I ache to be married and have children.

Having a past with a spiteful father, sometimes I question myself as God’s choice of a vocation for me… because I desire marriage so much, does God want me to stay single… this thought depresses me. God puts these desires in me just for suffering sake.

So, the thing is though, I’m not freely choosing the single life, its being forced upon me. (No one to marry). I know the whole thing about in God’s time, etc That certainly is still a possibility, but how do I live a peaceful life until then if it were to happen, or in general? If I don’t get married, how in the world can I consider this living out a vocation when it is forced upon me and not freely chosen.


#2

I am in the same position and don’t have any answers. i recently have had to pull back from spending time with some of my friends because they are all in relationships and i just don’t feel like i can relate. They have someone to turn to and discuss their day with. Those i use to turn to are now engaged in relationship so what am i suppose to do? Who do i turn to? Who will help me threw my dark times?

Right now i have some werid feelings towards God. I don’t know if angry or sadness or something in between towards myself / God and our relationship. I feel like i am trying to live the life he wants me to live but at every turn it seems to blow up in my face so i am wondering if i am just mis-reading his calling or maybe i am trying to hard or not hard enough? I just don’t know so if you figure it out you have got to let me know!

For me it learning to Love. My parents are divorced and i have had a fear that i will fail at a relationship simply because i didn’t have a good example or that i will be so afraid to make a mistake like my parents that i some how destroy my relationship out of a fear of failure.

I know we are suppose to be patient and that all things will be revealed but sometimes i feel like yelling “Can’t that time be NOW?” Maybe patience is the viture that i am suppose to be learning at the moment.


#3

I’m not sure about my vocation, but I’d rather it were marriage. It’s just so many people say I’d be a good priest that I start wondering about my penchant for long coats that look like you know what, especially when you kneel. But it’s a bit late for that since I’m already graduating from university and I generally look forward to marriage and children. I used to see my being single in the past as perhaps a part of my identity, some protest against unstable, random, meaningless relationships. Waiting for the right person, maybe. But truth be told, I simply got dumped or turned many times. Probably a bit more than I have years of age. I don’t feel I’m really called to a single life, as much as I may give the impression it would be convenient for me (scarily, grannie thinks I might be called that way and God might be making room in my life, but please let that not be true…). I don’t mind being taught about women and about love and charity and I don’t mind being untaught certain bad habits and inclinations and patterns of thinking of mine, but I do wonder how much I’ll be able to take before I meet my future wife. Today, I’ve started feeling healed of the wounds of the past, so maybe that was it. Additionally, all those times I’ve been dumped or turned by a non-Catholic, God might have been listening to my previous prayers and dreams that I didn’t dare dream. It’s normally girls who think about the wedding day, but I so wanted the chalice to go to both people… if you know what I mean. Maybe that’s what God wants for me but it’s going to take time yet. Maybe I’m not ready. That’s probably not so true about you, ladies, but in my own case, I think perhaps there’s a lot of formation to be done before I’m ready for whomever God has intended for me (and maybe other kinds of growth). I’m looking forward to it, even if somewhat scared of the possibility it might actually be a different vocation.


#4

Consider the plight of the person, such as myself, who is married in the eyes of the Church, but is the victim of our current civil so-called no-fault divorce laws. Actually, they should be called unilateral divorce laws, from which there is no defense. That is the more accurate description,

Because my ex-wife and I were both baptised (she Greek Orthodox, me Lutheran), and I am now an RCIA candidate, but now I am told that if I remarry, I will be ineligible to receive the Eucharist, in spite of the fact that I personally know at least 10 remarried “Catholics” without annulments who regularly stride up and take Communion with no regrets.

It’s enough to make a man reconsider becoming a Catholic.

Too many silly rules, too much hypocrisy.


#5

Ever considered getting back together with your wife or challenging the marriage in an ecclesiastic court for a decree of nullity (it’s not annulment)?


#6

I don’t have any easy answers, but I have also had this vocation given to me, and not of my own choosing. I’m a lot older than you are, so marriage for me is highly unlikely, and having children an impossibility (unless I am to be the next Sarah or Elizabeth :wink: ).

I know that God’s time isn’t our time, and your time for marriage may simply not have arrived yet. Of course, there are those of us who are not called to the religious life, but are never able to marry, either. Sometimes it just isn’t given to us to understand why God does what He does. Maybe He just wants some of us to live as single people – maybe He is saving us for something special. :slight_smile: Prayer helps. Also remember, God doesn’t think less of single people – His own beloved Son never married. :slight_smile:


#7

Chevalier @ #5,

Being under the threat of a Protection from Abuse filing if I even attempted to discuss reconciliation, no, it is completely impossible to reconcile.

The divorce was filed 9 years ago, and final 6 years ago. I spent all 3 years fighting the divorce hammer and tong in the courts. Her “Catholic” lawyer told me that of I attempted to continue to talk to her about reconciliation, I could expect to face a PFA.

The Church is just plain out of its mind in areas of matrimony.

I believe in the entire Creed (both of them). To me it seems that the only Eucharistic Church that does not believe in the small-c holy catholic and apostolic church is the Catholic one. It is the only one hell-bent (carefully chosen word) on excluding the faithful who are victims of the crime of modern divorce laws.


#8

Chevalier @ 5,

Besides, her present live-in lover may also object.

Have a good day.


#9

I don’t mean to be a Mudgie-like grump, but why is every thread started by single people about being single hijacked into a thread about marriage?


#10

CarolAnnSFO,

Maybe because the Church does not impose obstacles preventing the single from becoming married, oh, unless they want to marry someone who was married before.

Even as an RCIA candidate, I find the RCC’s stance on remarriage repugnant, insulting, ingnorant, and informed not by Christian mercy, but by Satan, in that it keeps the faithful from the Lord’s Supper. What could better serve Satan’s purposes?


#11

But that’s not what the thread was about – it was about being given the single vocation when one feels called to marriage. I guess maybe the divorced fall into that category, as well.

Sorry, I’m just ranting; I’ve seen so many “single people” threads on this forum hijacked to become threads about marriage. Is there no place we long-term or life-long singles can go to discuss being single? :frowning:


#12

“Whosoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord unworthily, is guilty of the body and blood of the Lord” [1 Cor. 11, 27]

Remarriage after divorce is believed to be a mortal sin.

Very Catholic of your wife’s lawyer, I must say. :rolleyes: Hmm… Did she actually believe in indissoluble marriage at the beginning, for starters? Or was it for as long as it worked out? If your marriage were to be found invalid, you would be able to obtain the nullity decree and marry someone, this is why I’m asking. Certainly don’t wish to intrude on private matters. :slight_smile: Have a good day as well, or rather, tomorrow. Hope you had a nice one today.


#13

Candidate Kurt,
I’m tired of people bashing the Church’s view on marriage. MARRIAGE IS FOREVER…

I’m sorry it didn’t work out…I’m sorry your problem stinks, but it might just NOT BE ABOUT YOU… its the fact that the Church upholds marrage to be forever… and you can only marry ONE person.
Read theology of the body, read the encyclicals on family, its beautiful…the image of Christ and His spouse, the church.

ANYWAY… back to the single life…PLEASE!!!
I could really use some help with this.


#14

Chevalier @ #12,

Of course she knew that divorce was ALWAYS an option. The Greek Orthodox Church’s equivalent of pre-Cana classes, which we BOTH attended, made it clear that all Orthodox have the right to three weddings in the Church. Divorce, and the GO’s view on it, were explicitly discussed and taught.

That fact is even on the Greek Orthodox Church in America’s website.

The question I have then is this: why does the Roman Catholic Church view a Greek Orthodox wedding as anything other than a pagan ritual? The recognition of such a “sacrament” is clearly unwarranted…ever.


#15

agapewolf,

SInce I tread on your thread, so to speak, I’d like to help.

You sound like you’d make a fine wife and mother. You say you’re 32. Trust me. That, in general, is a wonderful age for most women. No girlish annoyances, fully mature, usually quite attractive in all the intellectual ways.

Tell me, why the pessimism in your circumstance? I can understand mine, and apparently you can too (situation stinks).

Do you believe that you are unattractive to prospective husbands? If so, why? In my experience, such a belief becomes self-fulfilling frequently.

Are you in a remote area where there are no eligible men?

I frankly don’t know why a 32 year old woman who desires marriage would ever have a problem, unless all the men in your area have divorced buddies. Then I can understand it fully.

Peace.


#16

I hear you. It is hard for me to relate to someone who is divorced or in the process of getting married because I don’t know how that committment feels. I can’t relate. I know marriage is wonderful and beautiful and i hope that some day i get married but right now that is not my calling. It is very hard for me to relate to all my friends right now because they have all started that new chapter in their lives and i can’t follow at the moment. i can support and be happy for them but i can’t truly understand.

Sometimes i get bitter about the single life and some times i embrace it but no matter what i have to accept it as my path right now.


#17

beckers,

I am struck by your choice of the word “bitter”. From what does that word flow? Your status is AT LEAST partially self-imposed. It is ultimately COMPLETELY with a remedy, both civilly and ecclesiastically.

Talk about not being able to relate? I can’t imagine ever feeling like you HAVE TO BE single, unless you fall into my category.

Your situation is open-ended. It is NOT hopeless. Where does this despair come from? I’m genuinely interested and a little puzzled.


#18

By the way agapewolf,

None of those beautiful things were left out of the Orthodox Church’s pre-Cana classes, the analogy of marriage with his relationship with the Church, a close analogy to the Theology of the Body, et al.

But the one thing that is different is the Orthodox Church specifically DOES allow Ecclesiastical Divorces, and ANNOUNCED IT PROUDLY, however, the request must come from ONLY the Orthodox spouse, never from the non-Orthodox.


#19

agapewolf,

If you are fortunate enough to find a partner, and if that partner then decides one day to leave you because “I just don’t feel like being married any more”, I sincerely hope your Catholic faith will be strong enough to see you through, and you will not have any problem that you cannot marry a new prospective spouse who loves you very much.

If you are a lifelong Catholic, and you have a history there, and you have a legacy there, and you have felt at home there, then maybe such will be the case.

I have none of the above. My religious upbringing was in an anabaptist Brethren setting, and was taught from an early age that Catholics were not real Christians. I came to see the folly in that. 98% of Catholic teaching seems correct to me. The doctrine of imposing the indissoluability of marriage on the unwillingly divorced, is completely and utterly lacking in fundamental Christian mercy, in my opinion. It is a dealbreaker.

As a result, I will be visiting my RCIA class this evening with the express intent of resigning, and rescinding whatever I might have done at Rite of Election. My never-married devoutly Catholic girlfriend, with a permanent Deacon and a Priest in her family, wishes to marry me, and will be leaving the Church as well.

I hope Benedict XVI is pleased.


#20

I don’t mean to be a Mudgie-like grump, but why is every thread started by single people about being single hijacked into a thread about marriage?

:slight_smile: I never noticed that.


Back to the discussion. I’ve been rather down lately. I’ve been in a similar position as yours agapewolf but for different reasons.
I really don’t know whether God is calling me to marriage or as a religious or to single life. I’m in the liminal stage. For me, I am an introvert but I still desire to marry. It’s not like people who enjoy quiet are all going to be nuns or priests. I love to be alone, but I also seek companionship. At this point because of my circumstances I feel as though I am being forced to lead a single life, but I know that is illogical because God is a God of freedom and will allow me to make a decision. And yet, my circumstances make me feel as though I will be single forever.

Anyway, I’ve been rather blessed in many ways to have these feelings because I’m feeling so much more compassionate for those who can never marry. I am not in that position but my current sadness makes me to seek solidarity with those who cannot marry. sigh please pray for me. And I thank you for listening to me, or reading, rather, my long discourse.

-Alison


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