Sister's 2nd wedding - part II


Well, for those of you who helped me with advice on “Should I attend my sister’s second wedding?” I took your advice and spoke with her.

In a loving, caring way, I told her that I’m very concerned for her. If something tragic happened to her, I truly believe that her soul would go to hell. All I want for her is to be in heaven someday.

It went over like a lead balloon!

I allowed her to vent her frustrations, but she couldn’t get past the emotional part to even try and grasp where I was coming from. She coulnd’t even respect that I may have a different opinion other then hers.

She told me that she doesn’t believe she is committing any sin. She said that she doesn’t believe that God would put someone so wonderful in her life, and in her daughters’ lives, and have it considered a sin. I told her that this man is a gift. But we need to have a good means to a good end. God isn’t the one making this situation a sin!

Never once did I tell her what to do. Don’t want to be accused of judging!!!

She was so cold and full of venom. Every time she raised her voice, I told her we should hang up and try the discussion another time. (We do not live in the same area. I’d prefer a face-to-face.) I always ended it with a loving comment. She would fire back something mean.

I told her about the priests that I talked to, the prayers, the time spent in adoration, and all of you on Catholic Forum.

I told her that I would come only after I told her my fears. I believe that it is my right to defend my faith.

At the same time, I told her that my children will not attend, they will stay behind with my husband. I am the parent to them and they come first.

She wouldn’t accept it. She was so full of self-pity by this time. It didn’t matter that I told her it was not a rejection of her or her fiancee.

I reminded her of the time my husband turned down the roll of being an attendant in his childhood’s friend’s wedding. The friend was disappointed but never angry. We have had to stand our ground on faith before and we will again in the future.

All I could do was just cry for her when I got off of the phone. Her heart seems so dark and distant from God. I have never truly been aware of hell as I was while I talked to her.

Now for the mult-million dollar question, would you still attend this wedding?

I have an appt. scheduled with my pastor for Thurs. morning. I need some more advice from him since this conversation.

My basic feeling is, I truly believe, right now, if she were to die, she would be in hell. And I do not say this easily. Please, please, please pray for her that she may see the truth before it is to late.



Yeah… I pretty much got the accusations and all when I told my brother I would not be attending his wedding too (Protestant minister on the beach…no dispensation). He still thinks I didn’t go because he didn’t come to my wedding. Which is really funny considering his excuse was so much more lame… (dental work the week before, couldn’t reschedule because company was changing dental insurance Jan 1, etc…) The kicker was we were married in August!

Don’t worry… you are doing what is right by your family. It is sad, but what would it teach the children if you went? No matter if we do things the wrong way, mom will approve?


First off, be assured of my prayers.

You are doing the right thing by consulting with your priest on this issue. He undoubtedly knows you better than I, so my only advice is to take his advice to heart.

Be careful of the “she WILL go to hell” thoughts. The enemy can use them against you. We can know, though, and know for certain, that your concern for her soul is well founded, since she is placing its salvation in mortal danger.

Sadly, the enemy is very adept in these situations. Remember: he does not enlighten; he blinds. Even if the person someone intends to marry is indeed a wonderful person, that, as we know and the Church teaches, does not make it right in itself. However, the enemy can, and does, use good things to blind people to the sin involved in an action. “How can anything so wonderful – or loving, generous, thoughtful, kind, etc. – possibly be sinful”? It seems that right now, that’s your sister’s state: blinded.

Keeping you both in my prayers,



Fortunately it is not up to you to ‘say,’ either way, where your sister’s soul is going to end up eternally–now, or ever.

I think honestly you should apologize to your sister for telling her you believe she is going to hell. It is one thing to speak of being FEARFUL of hell–we all should be–but it is quite another to announce to someone that we think they’re going to hell.

Yes, hell is a reality and you care for your sister’s salvation. But damning her before the fact isn’t productive or appropriate, in my opinion.

I’m sure you meant well, but I’m afraid you may have truly done some harm. Are you aware of the three components necessary for someone to commit a mortal sin? Please realize that a sin can be grave matter but we can’t assume culpability. I’ll leave you with this line from the Catechism: "Although we can judge that an act is in itself a grave offense, we must entrust judgment of persons to the justice and mercy of God." (CCC #1861)


What I would do is tell your sister how happy you are for the wonderful man in her life and give her literature on annulments/having a Marriage Blessed, and anything else you think might help her on her journey back to God. I would then attend the wedding with my family and tell my children to keep her in their prayers as we keep so many people struggling with sin in our prayers.
When my husband and I were first married, it was not in a church. The deacon in the parish we lived in told us (and not in a nice way) he would not allow us to join the parish, as our lives were not in order. He never gave the opportunity to get our lives in order, just closed the door on our hopes. We didn’t give up, and shortly after moved to another parish where the pastor welcomed us with open arms and really helped us straighten our lives. We never looked back.


Thought of you, and your situation, during the readings at Mass this morning. Pray for the intercession of St. John the Baptist - he can relate :thumbsup:


Good post :thumbsup:

Chabula, I think that you need to stop thinking about the state of your sister’s soul and start focusing on yours. That is the Lord’s job.


Yes but she has childern. Their faith formation matters too. They need to see mom and dad talking the talk and walking the walk.

I think you have said you peace to your sister. I would take what infomation your priest gives you. Your idea about you going but your husband and kids staying home might be the correct thing to do.

What bothers me is that a wedding is a celebration. People are normally invited not demanded to go.


Yikes, I need to make a BIG correction here. After rereading my own post and having my husband look at it, he reminded me that I said “My fear for you is that you will not be in heaven, and I want you in heaven.” He sat and overheard my conversation with my sister as support for me.

I know that only God can condemn, but I can still fear.


Still . . . fearing someone is not in Heaven means they’ll be where? —KCT


That is exactly it. She is upset that someone else has another opinion other then her own. She cannot get past the emotion of it all to see that this choice of hers effects many other people.

I cannot be bullied in to attending.

She cannot respect my position on my faith and has taken the approach of “all or nothing” when it comes to attending. Which brings us back to your point, a wedding is something you are invited to not demanded to attend.

I was willing to meet half way and attend myself. I LOVINGLY explained how I felt about our faith and my fears, in hopes that she would say, ‘I understand.’ But the response she gave, the “all of us or none of us” kind of put the stop to me attending at all.

I truly look forward to my meeting with the priest tomorrow. I know he cannot tell me one way or another, that is my final choice. But I do hope to find some more insight by this priest and I thank you for the prayers. I pray that God continues to allow me to grow in this matter.


I think the trouble of today’s society is that they do not fear as much as needed. They defer to the mercy of God more than fearing God. I prefer to fear.

In the end, I would rather be wrong because I fear God and through fear, I wanted to better myself. Rather then being wrong because I pretended to bring myself to His level and know Him and to self-justify my actions.

closed #13

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