Small family dilemma; any thoughts?


#1

Hello.

I like to sew simple blankets together for gifts and I’ve given some to my parents.

They told me a while back that my aunt would probably like one so I got some material to make one for her.

Then my mother told/asked me to send my aunt the blanket and they would give me $50.00 for it and it would then be their gift to her.

I told my mom that it was my gift to her(her=my aunt), that I didn’t want money because I felt it really wasn’t a gift any more, but my mom sent me the money any way and I returned the money, explaining again how I felt about gifts being things freely given without an expectation of something in return.

I also told my mom that if she specifically wished me to make a blanket for my aunt, that would be a gift from her, that I’d be glad to, but she didn’t go for that idea. I told her she could pay me or not for it, that it wasn’t that important to me. She continued insisting that she wanted to pay me instead for the blanket I initially intend to give my aunt as a gift and then tell my aunt it was her gift.

Since then my mom hasn’t spoken to me.

Did I do wrong in returning the money?


#2

No. You had already told your mother that you wouldn’t take any money for doing it. But, obviously she didn’t get the picture. And by all means give your aunt the blanket. It’s yours to give away as you see fit.


#3

my guess is this is not the first time such a conflict has arisen with your mother, that she is “just this way”. She is not going to change so you will have to change at least to the degree that you don’t let her bother you, “oh, that’s just mom.” Give the blanket to your aunt and say, I made this for you, mom and I want you to have it and hope you enjoy it. Give the money to the poor.


#4

Next time, take the money and buy material that you donate to a good cause in your monther’s name.


#5

Your mom likes your blankets. She thought her sister would like one. She can’t make them. So she gave you money for the materials and contracted you to make one.

You’re turning that into a fight?

Y’all sound fun.

And so you aren’t going to let her get away with giving that gift, because YOU decided YOU were going to give her a blanket.

Why the contest in everything?

This is what you should have done:

a. Make the blanket. Send a note saying mom wanted you to make one for her, but every stitch was sewn with love personally from you.

b. Take the money. Make the blanket. Then make matching pillow shams or something and have that be YOUR gift.

In some way you managed to hurt your mom’s feelings about this. Someday you’ll have kids. You’ll see it differently. She was just trying to get a nice present for her sister and trying not to burden you with the expense of making it.


#6

Amen to all of the above! :o


#7

No, because if you said that it will be a gift, then she need to make sure that it is still a gift and not a money thing.


#8

I guess I wasn’t clear in my initial post.

My mother DID NOT contract me to make a blanket. I decided on my own to make one, for free and give it to my aunt. After I’d decided to make the blanket, my mom (and my dad) wanted the blanket, which was a gift from me to my aunt, to be from them to my aunt.

I told them “NO,” the blanket was a gift from me to my aunt but that

I'd be happy to make another blanket and give it to my aunt and say it was a gift
from them to her and that I didn't need money for it but if they insisted on paying
for it that that was okay with me too, either way it'd be their gift to my aunt, from
them, not me. 

My dilemma here is that I want the blanket to truly be a gift and I feel like my parents are trying to “hijack” my gift.

Here’s an extreme example:
Say you’re going to give your friend a fleet of cars for her birthday. So, you get your fleet of cars together and get them ready to send to your friend, and your brother hears about it and says “here, here’s 2 million dollars for the fleet of cars, (your brother’s not too swift in Math) take this so I can tell your friend that the fleet of cars is from me.” But you want the fleet of cars to be from you (you’re not too swift with Math either) so you tell your brother that and don’t take his money, because then the cars won’t be from you.

This is sort of what I’m trying to discuss.

Anyway, I feel like my parents tried to hijack my gift,

Thank you all for the attempts in addressing my dilemma.

I’d like to add that my parents are quite well-off and I am not and that receiving a gift without strings remains a more or less novel experience for me. Also, I am almost 50 years old and it will be a very long wait for me to have children.

I also don’t appreciate the condescending tone someone answered my post with. A prideful attitude doesn’t belong to a Christian person, much less a Catholic.

I know, for me, that gifts with strings attached are not gifts.


#9

I didn’t know you were 50. Sorry.

So that puts your parents in their 70s?

Time is short. Don’t waste it on this kind of fighting, please. I would have just gone ahead and made her matching pillows or something. Or helped your mom get another gift for your aunt.

This isn’t about money or hijacking… you two are arguing over who gets the credit for a gift. If it was that important to your mom to give her sister one of your lovely blankets, I’m not sure why you couldn’t have let the gift be from them and added to that gift with something of your own.


#10

I totally agree with the above post! Time is short, work it out with your folks.


#11

Take the $50, make a nice blanket and give it to someone who needs one. One of the woman where I work gave one of the patients [who was very sad and depressed] a beautiful quilt. Someone had given her the quilt and asked her to give it to someone who needed cheering up a bit. The patient was so pleased and help lift her spirits so much.


#12

Thank you all for your replies and bothering to post about my little trouble.

My mom sent me the check back, and I thought to myself, this is a bunch of silliness, so I called her up and asked her if we could play “hot potato” with the check - just keep sending the check back and forth in the mail between ourselves.

My mom told me I was silly and my dad laughed at the “hot potato” idea, so, that’s that. The buck (the fifty bucks) stops here.

Things like this can blindside me though. is also a reminder to me that none of us really knows what goes on in the heart of another - one person’s trial might be nothing to me, but I do need to cultivate more compassion for others…

Thanks for the perspective and please pray for me.


#13

my guess is this is not the first time such a conflict has arisen with your mother, that she is “just this way”. She is not going to change so you will have to change at least to the degree that you don’t let her bother you, “oh, that’s just mom.” Give the blanket to your aunt and say, I made this for you, mom and I want you to have it and hope you enjoy it. Give the money to the poorhttp://www.*********.com/img/4713/n09x0302vnsn/clear.gif


closed #14

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