I have a small dilemma with a long story.
I am active in the Cursillo movement. I met a sister’s brother, who is now a brother. He was quiet and shy, and we didn’t talk much, so I was glad to meet him but that’s about all.
After a while, other Cursilistas began to see how alike we are. Starting about a year ago, they began teasing us, thinking that we should start dating. However, my mind was on other things… religious sisterhood. Yet simultaneously the more they did this, the more I learned about him beyond “aquaintance” level. Slowly he began to be attractive, but it just seemed like an irrational infatuation so I tried to ignore it.
But I got to know him more and became friends. Our friendship wasn’t like my other friendships. It was kind of awkward because of all the pretenses surrounding us from other people, but I found I liked a lot of things about him. And I do know that he was attracted to me.
As I got to know him better, I became more afraid. I didn’t want to abandon my plans for religious sisterhood, but it seemed more and more I was attracted to him. So I had a natural urge to ignore him in the smallest things, or to avoid him… when he passed by, I pretended to look at something else or I’d walk in another direction. It made me just worry about it more. For some reason, I couldn’t separate my friendship with him from the idea of marriage. Probably because other people joked so much about us being married. It’s completely irrational, I know… but I automatically think we’ll be married if I’m friends with him!
I feel like our friendship has died because of my fear. I don’t know what to do. I feel like we didn’t have much of a friendship in the first place, at least compared to other brothers. That’s why it might be awkward if I try to re-initiate a friendship, as there wasn’t much of one anyway. Yet why should I compare relationships, as if one is better than the other, or people? And I feel uncomfortable with me not talking to him intentionally, or him not talking to me either.
I really do want our friendship to grow again. And in a platonic way. (I’ve desired religious sisterhood for the longest time, and I can’t at least give it a chance first before dating anyone.) For some reason, I feel like he needs a friend and is lonely. But also, this might be my pride, to think that I can fill some sort of vacuum, rather than just leave it to God.
I think about this all the time… when I hardly talk to him. I even have dreams. At the same time, I feel like this could just be a big distraction from bigger things on my plate, like my family, Confirmation class & team, work, school, ministries, etc.
I’ve never REALLY talked to anyone about this. It just seems like such a trivial and insignificant problem. But it bothers me often and intensely.