So Confused, Angry, Alone, and sad...(marriage related)


#1

First off all I am feeling so embarrassed that I would have to come here for advice as I really have nobody else to talk to about this I know I could go to our priest maybe but it would be hard to speak to him w/out crying and I doubt he would understand anything I would be trying to say so I guess this is the easiest for me at the moment so I can let my fingers talk for me…

First a little back ground I guess so what I post makes sense… Since April I have been growing and learning and returning to church. My husband even agreed to go through the process so that we could have our marriage blessed so that I could receive communion. He went to confession as myself. that was end of May I have cont. to go to church and pray and try to learn as much as I could. I have felt never felt as close as I have to our Lord and it feels so good.

I know that there will always be trials that make us get off the path to our Lord and once again difficulties w/fiances were at hand with us. I am a SAHM and take care of our 3 kids and I do get a bit of money of income here and there (I have a hobby job you could say) and use it where I can help. I did work outside the home 3 1/2 years ago but started to stay home when our oldest DD passed to SIDS and since then I’ve stayed home with our children as shortly after our DD had passed we found out were expected and now our youngest DD is now 2 1/2… our sons are 10 & 6

Ok now to what happened last week. For me my form of Communcation is really online there is where my customers are and how I communicate with my friends as they are all over the U.S. I really don’t have friends here where I am I am busy with my children and the home then last Thurs. the Internet was cut as was the phone and cable. I asked my husband what happened and he said it was because he hadn’t gotten a chance to do so…because he had to go and pay the rest of the boys last dues from school (they go to Catholic school-we were blessed with a partial grant but we still had to pay a part and he paid for it and not the house bill) this had happened before at a time and I understood so I went and asked my mom for a help and I would pay her back usually when we pay 100 or so it comes back this time it was too much and so we need to pay the full amount which has been overdue more then I thought…

I know my husband works very hard for us but he doesn’t really let me know what is needed or anything that is going on when it comes to bills till its too late or we have NOTHING (food/diapers…etc.) and I have to scramble and try to figure out something or unless I am ontop of things asking what is due/needed and what is going on…

Well this time I was so upset because he knows that I needed to have a meeting that Friday and if there was no Internet I wouldn’t be able to do it… I went and was able to get an air card via my mother’s cell company to keep connected. I did come home and was so upset I did not speak to him . Maybe that was wrong of me but it for me it was just so depressing because I feel almost as if I am trapped at times because I do not have anything that is my own and for me when I did work I was able to provide at home what was needed and for my children right now that is not the case it is so hard.

He told me that he does everything alone and that I did not see it his way and that I always write bible verses although of the way I acted last week (that hurt very much) because for me writing those verses is where I find peace and keep my sanity… and I really feel so upset and hurt that he wold throw in my face that he is the one who does everything (money wise) alone w/no help… The old me inside is saying WELL FINE THEN and just is SO MAD and thinking so many things its clouding my mind… then the new me is crying and is so hurt and saying WOW… a slap in the face what do I do all and all I feel so helpless and so hurt… I feel like I am not worthy and there is no part of “me” anymore and I’m suppose to just clean and watch the children and that’s it??? IS THIS what my life is suppose to be??

I talk online w/my friends to “release” because when I share with him he’ll say ok . but doesn’t understand as my friends are also SAHM and also do the same hobby as me… WE NEVER go out anymore… I have asked for alone time but he will say yeah we have to but never happens he is always tired… so I feel like its me putting so much to our relationship but not him… I am just tired and confused… I have been praying to our Lord to guide me to help me I feel so alone… I feel so worthless I know I have to fight for my children to push forward and to con’t. to search for our Lord… I am sorry I am rambling and this is so long but I have no where else to turn to… maybe another set of eyes can give me advice or something… I thank you for taking the time to read my post…


#2

I don’t have any good advice, but I will be praying for you.


#3

First of all, let’s erase the notion that the amount someone gets paid has any relationship to the value of their work. Otherwise all those silly football players and actors would be so much more valuable to America than our priests, soldiers, garbagemen and nurses.

Your worth has nothing to do with your paycheck. You are making an unseen and unrecompensed contribution to the world by raising good children. How well you do that job isn’t measured by your paycheck but by the contribution they make to the world someday. And don’t begrudge one minute of time with them! I know you don’t need to be told how precious every minute is. Too soon they’ll be grown.

Your role as their mother has dignity, my friend.

Secondly, you need to meet some of your friends during the day. Have them to your house and have a day where people do hobbies together at least once a week or once every two weeks. You need human contact. Men who go to work and interact with adults all day have no idea how isolating staying at home, doing housework and interacting with children all day can be. Not to diminish motherhood, but sometimes it’s nice to have an adult conversation.

Now… next time you get paid for your work, you go down to the bank and open your OWN bank/checking account in YOUR name! It will be your work account. And as such, your phone and internet expenses in whole or in part are a legitimate business expense. Then YOU can control whether you have the money to keep this vital lifeline to the outside world functioning. You have a right to have some money for yourself. Yes, he makes more money. But consider how much he’d have to pay someone to do what you do for “free” at home.

Good luck! :thumbsup:


#4

I will pray for you also. I can understand your feelings. I have six children. I worked in a skilled profession until my fourth child was born. That was 8 years ago. Since then I have been a SAHM and also feel alone and too dependent sometimes. At least you have your “hobby job”. That seems like a good arrangement at this time since taking care of your children is truly a FULL TIME job full of rewards and also full of disappointments, worries and difficulties. My youngest is about to enter kindergarten and I want to earn income somehow. I need to update my skills, since 8 years is a long time to be idle and now I am “behind the times” in my field of expertise. Your husband doesn’t really understand how you feel. Most men can’t. Do try to talk to him. Do your best not to accuse. (It’s hard, I know.) Above all, continue to grow in prayer. Stay close to the Blessed Mother. Pray for your husband. Encourage family prayer. I know that my little children really pray earnestly and I am positive that Jesus and Mary hear them in their honesty and purity. On a practical level, you could try to sit down and make a “budget” and prioritize bills. It may not be possible to pay every one on time, but your internet is important and not just for entertainment. There have been times that I just didn’t understand why things were happening and I must have repeated “Jesus, I trust in You” about a dozen times an hour. It sometimes seems like everything is crumbling around you, but if you really do put your trust in the Lord, you will find a bit of peace.


#5

Know how you feel!

I had three pre-schoolers, 20 and 19 months apart and my husband insisted on my doing a ‘work-study’ analysis on my days while he was at work! I was supposed to write down every ten minutes what I was doing at that time and in the interim. I think the proper response to that was gales of laughter, but of course I was upset and confused as to how actually this was going to work with me running around after three little boys and fitting housework in the middle of that…it was supposed to dispel his suspicions that I didn’t '“swan about” wasting time as he suspected I did!
He utterly rejected any attempt to explain that what applied in a normal office situation couldn’t easily be applied in care of three spirited young boys.

Could someone with three toddlers please explain how they would manage a ten-minute work study analyse on their day? Or was I indeed “swanning around”! I’m not poking fun, it’s just that I’m trying to raise a small smile…the person working in a different milieu doesn’t necessarily understand what goes into someone else’s day, e.g. his wife’s…but in the anxiety and tears I often shed out of sight of my boys, it was when a visiting sister-in-law poked out her togue at my husband’s back as he turned from the doorway after saying something high-handed and critical, that I began to see the funny side of things.

But it isn’t funny, it’s devastating to be under-or un-appreciated.
And I’ll be late for Mass if I don’t leave right now, but I’ll be praying for you my dear sister, bacuse I won’t be able to help thinking of you.
Take heart. With love, Trishie

I cried a lot on the quiet in those years

As you say your husband is so tired which usually translates as stress, and stress affects relationships…I’ll pray that your husband can see things more as they are for you…


#6

Sometimes leaving hubby in charge for a day shows him right quick. :wink:


#7

Man is head of the wife as Christ is Head of the Church.It took me a long time to realize the implications of this scripture.Jesus came to serve,not to be served.If the Son of God can wash someone’s feet,surely I can wash a dish or run a vacuum.We need to try and make our spouses life easier.We need to be a team.Forgive me,I’m a guy and according to Geneses,we(men)are part of womans punishment for original sin.:smiley:


#8

LOL… actually I have done this but he will go to bed and have my oldest in charge and I must say my oldest who is 10 is VERY mature and I consider him my right hand because he is the one that helps me clean and do things about about the house while my 2 younger ones run about he does as well but when he sees me stressed he will say mama how can I help you and will get the broom and go for it… Husband NOPE… he will be off (as he is today )and sleep the day away… thats what gets me I NEVER stop… can’t Mothers don’t stop he sees me running about changing and running after the our DD working with our younger son doing crafts w/them 3 going the library… all he has to do is work outside… he drives all day doing drop offs…and will come home sure he brings the money but WHAT ABOUT ME… and I see that I have become toooooo depend. on him and I have started this afternoon a budget and since I get the mail I will make sure that I get that cable bill and I am going to swallow my pride and next week will see if I can get some kind of temp. food benefits for the meanwhile as I know where all the paperwork is…and PRAY AND PRAY AND PRAY… I don’t want to have this overwhelming sadness and anger inside no I want to feel what I have been feeling that love and closeness to our Lord… I KNOW this is a test and the evil one is ALWAYS at our door but God is my sheild and I love those words “Trapped” wrote… Jesus, I trust in You… because each time I say those words I feel them in my core… I have been reading the dairy of St. Faustina and truly am inspired by her and saw her movie and she inspires me at times I think she was sent to me so I could really understand the Divine Mercy I don’t know… I just wish my husband would see my point of view for me I really believe that his not being close to our Lord has also to do with his Blind eye… as I once was and made me want to be revengeful and just say you know FORGET THIS… but no… I must step back and do what I MUST that is right in our Lord’s eyes BUT I WILL NOT I WILL Not degrade myself NO MORE…and I thank you for your words and PLEASE PLEASE do con’t. to pray for me just for my peace… and for my husband that maybe just maybe he will see how I feel someday…

Blessing to all and thank you so much…it feels nice to see I am not alone :slight_smile:


#9

*So you’re a good husband, but…:):wink:

By attitude and behaviour there are husbands who really aren’t fit to be head of a family. And some are not worthy of respect, and destructive to their wives and children. I really don’t think God would not countenance such a betrayal as being according to His law.

For Jesus said, “Have you not read that from the beginning, the creator made them male and female and this is why a man must leave father and mother, and cling to his wife, and the two become one body? They are no longer two, therefore, but one body.” [Matthew 19:4-6] This denotes love and care as is one part of the body going to treat one part badly or without care? I doubt that it is God’s intention, and believe that the love aspect of the relationship is more important to God than who reigns supreme! :smiley:

Scripture also says,
Husbands, love your wives and treat them with gentleness.” [Colossians 3:19] “
**Give way to one another **in obedience to Christ. Wives should regard their husband as they do the Lord…Husbands should love their wives just as Christ loved the Church…each one of you must love his wife as he loves himself; and let every wife respect her husband.” [Ephesians 5:21, 25, 33] *

Anyway, that aside, I did pray for you and your husband at Mass.

…and unfortunately stress induced sleepiness like your husband’s, (eg if you’re not around and you leave the children in his charge,) does seem to indicate why he hasn’t much energy for outings and for better understanding…stress has a way of damping down some emotions. In his world, he is stressed.

I was very often crushed by my husband’s attitudes and intolerance, because as a perfectionist with a driven nature, his negative emotions ending up swamping his better emotions until some time following his major stress breakdown…and only in recent years has he softened as he too has become more fallible even in his own recognition. His breakdown was so severe that he never worked again, nor has he ever recovered from the effects of depression. It can creep up without either truly realizing. For instance it just seemed my husband was often unfeeling towards me, and so often angry with the boys and me, and intolerant…and I was unhappy for years but trying to do right. Your husband may not be as strong as mine was…never was a household account late, for instance, and my husband manages every cent to this day! I mean that quite literally! But stress, as it registers in anyone, like you or your husband, always needs real attention.

I wonder if some more lightness and humor and sympathy from you might help your husband to cope better with his sense that things are unjustly tipped in your favor? It’s not true that it is, as you rightly know, but the fact that he believes it is, is real to him.

Anyway, I hope and pray things get better, and you both are able to communicate and love and laugh towards more peace, and mutual understanding and happiness. Please take good care of yourself. A hug, Trishie


#10

Humor… is usually how we deal when issues come about in our relationship and it has worked but this time with the words he used they REALLY hurt me and right now Humor is the last thing in me…

Thank you so much for the prayers… that is what I need I know God listens and gives whispers and I live it in his hands as I have learned to do…:slight_smile:


#11

I am sorry to hear of your struggle. I am unsure how to respond to your troubles. However, I do want to encourage you in your efforts at motherhood. There are few things as important as the guidance and love that you give your children. It may be difficult to see your worth in in a society that emphasizes materiel gain and personal ambition. Christ did not come to the world for personal glory. He came to serve his people. That is exactly what you are doing.

Is it possible that your husband is acting this way because he is ashamed of his difficulty in providing for his family? As a man, I know that I would be tempted to become defensive and close mouthed in a similar situation. Regardless of the reason, the way that he lashed out at you sounds out of line. The work of forgiveness and healing can be a very difficult process, and one that can only be accomplished by the grace of God.

I will keep you in my prayers.


#12

You need to get out of that house and have some human, adult contact…I’m not saying go out barhopping, like even coffee…I have 3 kids and I work part time, I have to b/c we are in debt and I send my kids to Catholic school too…Get out a little and socialize…I joined the IHM guild at church, it’s a nice religious and social club with like minded Catholics…


#13

Good day dear, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through! You sound like me 6 years ago!! :frowning: I was very disappointed and tormented by my now exhusband as well. Nothing was ever good enough for him…I was lazy because I wanted to be a sahm, taking care of 3 children…BUT he didn’t realize how well his children were growing…instead of them calling someone else mama or nana they were with their mother…I was always forced to work, all the time. And the 4 years of work I dedicated was not good enough… I was dealing with ppd all the time after each child and got myself out of them with the Grace of GOD, let me tell you. Just like now I know I am depressed but I won’t seek help, first of all, I have done it thanks to GOD before I will do it again…So far it’s going pretty well… I’m all drugged up with all natural herbs-take Primrose, turmeric, st johns worts, Q10, omega 3, multi vitamins…Things that help your body feel better…I will not go and get on zoloft again-went bald, paxil-made me feel worst and I literally ate like a pig- Therefore I am fighting to get rid of this depression and stress with prayer, confidence in GOD and the natural stuff I am taking…Besides every time I take something I always ask God for his blessing so it can help me fight my own demons better…

Don’t feel bad, and don’t give up… You are doing great! Believe me…Your husband works hard and you don’t know what is going on at work…Things could be stressing him out…Try to talk to him and communicate better… This weekend try and find someone a family member a friend to babysit the children for a few hours, cut their lawn in return, babysit for them, give them a back or foot massage/rub in return, so you can spend the next few hours or even night with your husband remembering all the good times and the times that were there that helped make all those wonderful blessings you have! :smiley: Hold each other, make a romantic dinner for him, romantic music your favorite songs, and talk or hold each other all that time… It’s amazing what a hug, hold, touch can do for a marriage with a few downs… Remember the words you said when you got married, I LOVE YOU! And tell each other a few more times today and this weekend…

Take the kids to the park when he gets home from work and let him have some time without children running around, let him relax for about 1 hour…Yes dear you need a break too and let me tell you if you can get your family to help you out for an hour once a month or even a week you will feel in a whole lot better mood and more energy…

I don’t have that opportunity to ask family for help besides they’d throw it in my face that thanks to them I can spend time for myself or once married with my man! LOL

But if you do take that opportunity to revive the wonderful moments together. Pray together, communicate about the importance of what you are writing, read those verses to him, and then ask for his feelings on the subjects…

Since you were able to save your meeting let it go…And tell him you understand…

I used to let my then husband now exhusband to run everything as well, that has changed. Being a single mom I have to do everything…And I have let my bf know that when we get married I will handle all the economical situations because I have learned to budget, to be more responsible and to keep things straight. It’s taken me a while but I am trying…And I know how to handle money, while he might not be able to since he’s getting with a woman with 3 children, not just us 2… And I have the experience all ready… He has agreed 100%… And I am very glad…

So you tell your hubby you want to help him with the bills, tell him you have a calculator and you will develop a budget that will go with what he makes, and that you might even be able to make some cost managing cuts that might even help you out with having a little extra cash to help you out! Like try magic jack, it is only 30 bucks a year 40 the first year, and it works through your internet, just keep up with your internet and that saves you like what 40 bucks a month or so? Try to use coupons for your groceries…I go to this store that sells all their brand named stuff a lot cheaper than walmart and the main supermarkets around our city, I save about 30 bucks every time I shop there… Which is like 1x a week! LOL Try to make a list of all the things you do and just make one trip on the car, that saves you gas which in return saves you money… Walk with the kids, take them to the park and walk, it will help you keep your mood a little better and help you think…I went on a 1.5 mile walk yesterday with a good friend, my kids and bf were there too, and of course I ended up wearing the wrong socks so now have to suffer with blisters!! GREAT! But anyhow in either case, I didn’t even think about the problems I am having nor the aches and pains from my own health instead I started thinking about hoping my way back to the car after 1.5 miles of walking because I was in terrible pain from the blisters I got!! :smiley: It hurt this morning to take a shower and to put socks and shoes on!! :frowning: lol

Anyhow the point is that try to talk to him, get him to open up and talk to you about what’s going on and I bet both of you together talking will get to the bottom of things and work things out…Make an appointment with your priest, for couple counseling…It will help…

Good luck and God bless!


#14

I am in a similar position, I am at home with my two little girls all day every day and often the internet is my only contact with the outside world. I have no driver’s license so we don’t get out much except for a walk when the weather permits. We have little money and my husband struggles with the responsibility of being the head of the home, which shows in many aspects of our lives. I will keep you in my prayers. Just know that you are not alone.


#15

I could have wrote this myself… I as well don’t have a license and so I do as much as I can for my kids so they can enjoy the warmth and as well my husband struggles. BUT YET and still his words hurt me… and even though I did write to him and say I was sorry for my rash actions he is yet to say sorry for what he said…he is only his side…

@lovemybabies… I have done the try to talk about us… I had gotten Love Dare… I had tried to be a better wife… I tried to talk about his day I’ve done so he can see how much I feel blessed and thankful that he works so hard… and all I asked from him was to bath… (I KNOW HUH?) and to take out the trash w/out me having to repeat it… it last for a while but again… he forgets the trash and I had let it go and have gone and done it myself… and instead of showering after a long day which I think would help he will play the XBOX and then come lay to sleep…I feel like I have been doing so much to try to make our relationship better I have have been getting close to God but he hasn’t done so…

This is what he posted :People are funny they like 2 give a projection of who they are some sort of an imitation of maybe who they want 2 be. Let me set the stage you know how your with someone you know & you hear them telling a story you know it’s BS but you don’t blow there spot up.

He wrote that because I always write a bible verse in the AM and he said that I am do that but its not from the heart… THAT HURT SO BAD because for me these couple of mths each verse I have read I have sat and cried for hrs. while either my kids were at school and my little one napped because for the first time in my life our Lords words really meant something and I understood them and felt them deep inside and for him to say it… it was like a true slap in the face.

Another thing he posted :To learn a lesson from a mistake you have 2 know you were wrong & that’s the problem some people don’t know when there wrong or don’t think they make mistakes or maybe even 4got how 2 say sorry!
I prayed about this as well and was the bigger person and did write that I was sorry for my actions and so forth BUT HE IS YET TO DO THE SAME… and sees it STILL as he had done nothing wrong…

THEN today he writes me this :I just want 2 let you know that I love you and me acting that way is I’m just trying 2 do it back 2 you it’s like 1 of the ways I feel I can let you know I’m not happy but I don’t like being upset at you or trying not 2 look at you or talk to you because I feel empty and I feel I don’t know but I don’t like it. I just wanna say I LOVE YOU

I don’t know what to do… I feel so hurt… Please cont. to pray for us. PLEASE…


#16

It simply sounds like being a stay at home mom is not for you. If it’s making you ‘confused, angry, alone, and sad’ maybe you should consider returning to working outside the home.


#17

Thats not it… I love being with my children… they make me smile and laugh and watching them grow each day is a true blessing… I’ve always worked outside the home only after our oldest DD passed did I start to say home 3 years ago… I wouldn’t want to go back to the “outside” world to work. I am actually going to see if I can start a medical program as I have a degree in Biology and can do that from home. Its the situation of how my husband not seeing that I do is not just sit down and play all day… I am taking care of my children and home and well I GET TIRED too…and it would be nice if he would ask how my day was once as well…
I am not a maid/nannie I am his wife and mother to his children…


#18

hello, seems like everything has got ontop of you.a bank account of your own;seems a good idea.the internet forums are a useful way to exchange views.www.ivillage.com is another good one.i got our priest to mediate;when the family needed calming down after my father’s death.try to maintain a social circle of a few good friends;outside of your family.try not to dwell on your feelings of worthlessness.consult your local marriage-guidance service.get their counselling.you won’t have to bring hubby along at first.they might invite you to a session together.they are there for when couples have stopped all forms of communication.they haven’t got all the quick-fixes;but you’ll feel some sense of relief.it’s usually free & confidential.regards


#19

Ah, that’s hard. My father treated my mother that way until she ended up getting a job.

Is there any way you can switch places with him for a week so that he realizes how hard it is? Maybe you should take a vacation with a girlfriend and leave him to take care of things, so he realizes it’s not playing all day.


#20

Something that has helped me along the way is to realize I can’t change my spouse but I can change my responses to him.

I’ve also learned it is easier to accept some things just as they are rather than fight it. For example, last weekend I asked DH to make 2 dinners this week. Well, Monday he made dinner but made such a fuss about it that in the end it wasn’t worth it. I will just make a point of giving myself a break a couple nights having cereal or sandwiches instead of full meals. Honestly, my kids love to have cereal for dinner anyways and DH doesn’t really mind either.

As for the finances you either need to establish a true joint account where everything is in the open or establish your own account. To be left completely in the dark is not fair to you and is not fair to your DH to think he should juggle everything on his own. Please check out the faith & finances forum & the Veritas website. I have heard Phil Lehnihan (sp?) from Veritas speak on the radio and he has good useful advice to offer especially for those who are struggling.

I will pray you find some peace.


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