So confused in my marriage!


#1

The week of Christmas I was 7 weeks pregnant with my fourth child. I wasn’t feeling well and had some spotting, so I went to the doctor and they said my uterus was empty and I had an ectopic pregnancy. I was all set to take that chemo drug since they said it was easier than surgery. Well something didn’t feel right to me, so the night before I was supposed to take the drug I went online and researched the catholic church’s perspective on this since I never had an ectopic. I learned that it is immoral and wrong, so against my doctor I insisted on the surgery and my baby went to heaven the next day. They removed my tube and said it had quite a few adhesions on it (im thinking from having 2 c sections)
My doctor is advising ( I say this lightly since they are contraception pushers) that I need 3 months to heal inside and should not try to get pregnant until after that How am I supposed to use NFP if my body is so messed up right now?
As I grow in my faith I am learning that things that I thought that were important (size of my house, cars, material things) isnt important, God’s plan is. My doctor wants me to use condoms for 3 months. I am just not ready to have anymore children, but I do not want to be immoral.
Thanks


#2

Don’t have sex for a few months.

What’s the big deal? You’ve had major surgery, your husband should understand.


#3

I agree with Mr. Schrank. Your body needs to heal these next three months, and your husband should understand that. If you are both practicing Catholics, you will be able to take up your Cross now and abstain from love making until you are able to practice NFP and become pregnant again.


#4

I’m so sorry on the loss of your baby. I am glad to see you notice a change in your relationship with God and the church. The Holy Spirit must really be working in you .

I would consider abstaining from the marital act until the time when you could consider becoming pregnant again. Obviously you cannot use condoms. I would still follow your NFP method and chart. But if you seriously need to avoid pregnancy and you seem to me like you do then abstaining is your best option at this time.

You and hubby can still find many ways to show love and feel connected to each other. It could be very romantic to think about and plan for when you are able to unite in the marital act again.

I recommend you getting a book called Good News About Sex and Marriage by Christopher West .It will help you see what the churches teaching about the sexual relationship and marriage is all about.

Praying for the repose of the soul of your baby and for your health. As well as your resolve to do things in a moral way.


#5

There was a time in history, until the late 60’s or early 70’s when any sexual intercourse was proscribed for six weeks before birth and six weeks after. About 3 months of abstinence. Many loyal Catholics as well as non-Catholics seemed to manage this. Maybe not easily, but they did.

Now some husbands did not honor that, and I have one relative who was caught by the nurse in the hospital bed with his wife almost immediately after childbirth. Some how it was hard to respect this relative forever after.

I am not trying to say it is an easy thing, but the thingy doesn’t fall off if it doesn’t get used for a few months. :slight_smile:


#6

well he is coming home from being out of town (one month–and is leaving after 2 days to go back out for 2 more months) and we have been looking forward to seeing each other. He left the day after my surgery so its been rough.
He isnt taking the news so well.:slight_smile:

I know we can go 3 mos. I mean, I am not an animal. I was super sick for the month before he left so I miss that side of our relationship.


#7

Honey, the surgery you had was hard on your body. Being pregnant is hard on your body. Getting pregnant again would be very hard on your body. He can wait.

And I’m so sorry for your loss. Been there. Many people don’t understand it is a loss because it was so early, but it hurts just as much.


#8

well if I could I dont think I could ever go thru another pregnancy. Sometimes these kids of mine get the best and the worse of me. I believe that my baby is in heaven and that I did everything I was supposed to when it came to that decision. I had his life already planned out. Thats the hardest part having to wait until he greets me in heaven to see his face.
I just have so many questions of my life and I pray for clarity.


#9

Have sex when you feel like it. Use protection. You have been told not to get pregnant by a doctor. If you feel that is reasonable advice and wish to follow it then it is ok to have sex. Just don’t get pregnant. If you are too sore, then don’t have sex.

If you would have stayed pregnant, you’d probably be having sex. Your marriage has been fruitful. Your heart is in the right place.

Sorry about the death of your child.


#10

Talk it over with the professional of your choice, your priest, and anyone else who’s advice you trust. This is not a decision to be made by a bunch of strangers. You have deep pain and legitimate needs and concerns. Turn to people who have been trained to help you.


#11

Larry, Larry, Larry…I know your intentions are good, but from a Catholic standpoint, that’s the wrong answer. Even in this type of situation, “protection” isn’t allowed. NFP is, but nothing else.

I think the next post had the best advice…talk to a professional, your priest for instance. He’ll give you the best information about the spiritual end of this. The doctor already gave you the medical advice.

In any case, OP, praying for you.


#12

no advice, just wanted to say that I’m sorry for your lost. I have much admiration that you had the surgery at personal cost instead of the chemical alternative.

God bless.


#13

First let me say that I am sorry for your loss of the baby. Pray to this child as it can now pray for you.
I totally disagree with the advise to use protection and continue having sex. This is against everything that we believe. Remember that the end does not ever justify the means. You and your husband will be closer then ever before from the abstinence. I am one who was in the time when we had to abstain 6 weeks before and after the birth. My wife andd I will be married 43 years next month, so I guess it definately did not drive us apart. When you are able to continue your conjugal relationship make it a special occasion, like a 2nd or 3rd etc honeymoon. This is too special for the two of you to disregard the intimacy which God has set up for this relationship when used correctly. You are both in my prayers.
Deacon Ed B


#14

Hi Greatmom

Did you ever see a movie with Nicholsen and Cruise, about a marine that killed another marine? In a courtroom, Cruise asks the marine if everything that a marine needs to know is written down. The marine says yes. Cruise then asks where the location of the mess hall was written down. Fact is, it was not written down. So, by the logic established, that the marine didn’t need to know, because it wasn’t in the book, marines don’t need to eat. I think the movie was a few good men.

Not everything is written down.

As far as the internet goes, how do you know that what the Church really teaches is presented here? Even if it is, and I seriously doubt it, how do you know your understanding of what is presented is correct? There is a commercial I just love running on TV right now. About doing taxes with your computer. The guy gets stuck. Wife tells him to call for help, talk to someone. He talks to the box. Don’t talk to the box. Talk to your husband, your priest and God. They are who are important in your life.

You know, we all want to love our wives, husbands, kids and parents. If I told you how I loved my wife better, and made her happier, everybody would pay attention. We all want help in loving the people we care about better. That is what Jesus is all about, how to love the people you care about better. Including you.

My understanding of the Catholic Church is that it is very diverse. There are Catholics that are very relaxed about their faith and Catholics that are very strict. We all all people, we are all different. God loves each of us, just as you love your kids, except better. If you are relaxed about your faith, or very strict about it, is up to you. You are not right or wrong. You’ll go to heaven either way.

Don’t be a fanatic. It is hard to be married to a fanatic. My wife was a fanatic when it came to going to church every Sunday. I think we missed one Sunday in 13 years. The lecture she gave me wasn’t one of her better ideas. But I love her anyway. What I am saying is that one Sunday in 13 years is not worth even 5 minutes of argument. Would you agree?


#15

Larry,
You were wrong in your advise the first time and you still are . Truth is not relative. It is one, singular and immutable. If you do not know your faith and what it teaches, don’t be advising others as to morals as taught by the Church. You are correct one one score. Yes, do talk to her priest, but know the difference between right and wrong. And yes, missing mass once in 13 years, if not for sufficient reason is a mortal sin and can cause the loss of heaven if not confessed and absolved.
Deacon Ed B


#16

Larry, I know you are trying to help, but the ideas you are presenting are not correct and are not in line with the Catholic Church. True, there is a diversity of people in the Catholic Church, but there are not a diversity of Truths, only one Truth. I do think your advice of not believing everything you see one the internet is very good though (like anywhere else, you have to check and see if it is from a reliable source, there are a lot of people that will post their opinions and not the Truth online).

Anyways, to borrow you IRS example (which was good too :slight_smile: ), sure you can’t go to the box to get the answers…but… you can’t just say: "Well there are different types of Americans, some are more strict others are more relaxed, since I am more relaxed I will fill out my taxes more relaxed and just include whatever I want to include rather than whatever I am supposed to inlcude, especially if I don’t agree with or don’t understand why they want me to include it to begin with. I believe I should not be taxed on x amount of money I got from y place, so I won’t include it. I consider my 2 dogs and parakeet dependents, so I will include them as such. Buying that new corvette was definitely therapeutic for me, helped me with my depression, so I will include it as a medical expense."
Try explaining that to an auditor and convincing them that your return is correct, if you are one of the lucky people that get selected to be audited.

BTW, it is a very dangerous thing to say, that we will go to Heaven either way. Hell does exist and people can end up there. Our God is a Loving Father, Who is Just.


#17

To the OP, I am so sorry for your loss :frowning:

Its amazing how you were probably guided by the Holy Spirit to look into your treatment and find the morally acceptable alternative. It is awesome that you chose to take the harder yet more loving (towards God and your child) road.
In the catechism you will see that it is not ok to contracept to avoid children, hence the options that are ok with the Church are periodic abstinence or complete abstinence. If periodic abstinence can’t work out, and pregnancy needs to be avoided, then unfortunately complete abstinence seems like the only option. Is there by any chance an NFP doctor in your area that might be able to help you out from a different perspective and perhaps help you sort things out to be able to use NFP in the latter part of the 3 months or something?


#18

I don’t really have advise for you, I just wanted to say I’m really sorry for the loss of your baby. I just lost my first child last month and I also had his entire life planned out. All I can say is trust God and ask him for strength. My faith is the only thing that has kept me together this past month.


#19

I’d like to Thank you for all your responses, they have really been insightful and I really appreciate it :slight_smile:


#20

I couldnt even read beyond this post without commenting!! This is a catholic forum and a faithful catholic is wishing to get faithful catholic answers. This answer was not that! Sex is a beautiful marital act not something we do just because we “feel like it”. We dont use protection because we would be leaving out the third person in our marriage…God! And her doctor isnt God so you have to first trust God and take what your doctor says as one opinion.

You can either abstain completely or since it sounds like you are feeling better and up to being intimate with your husband talk with him about it and decide as a couple with God always as the center if you want to be together and risk pregnancy at this time. Even if your body is really screwed up right now you should be able to see a mucus patch?? maybe not but if your body is not ready to be pregnant then you wont become pregnant. And if you do then its Gods beautiful will and he will give you the strength to rejoice in it and handle all that comes with it.

Take Care of yourself!


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