So hurt and betrayed

My husband and I are currently living apart with the goal of reunification. He had a secret drinking problem that has had huge effects on our family, on his ability to parent, and on my ability to trust him. He is working hard with AA and recovery from his issues. As we are talking things through, more secrets are coming out, and I am feeling overwhelmed and scared. I have no idea who I married. Recently he disclosed another major secret (I am not going to say what it is, I don’t want to add to his Shane and embarrassment, but it is a very serious matter). If I am honest with myself, I don’t think I would have married him if I knew this. I am feeling betrayed and tricked into marrying him. We have been married almost 10 years and I feel like I know him less now than I did on the day we met. I want to forgive and move on but there are so many lies and secrets that I’m not sure how to move on. I have things I prefer to keep private but I have no secrets from him. He knows my darkest, deepest secrets. I trusted him more than anyone in this world and I am so so hurt by his betrayal. I believe in marriage… and at the same time, I don’t feel like we have a marriage. I feel like I married someone else who doesn’t even exist.

Praying for you & your husband. Does your Parish have a marriage encounter program for you & your husband to attend either together or as individual.

That’s an incredible precipice to stand on. Over the edge and free fall to what? Or stand and fight for your marriage and risk being pushed over–now, or later, when a nearly inevitable slip occurs. I have been on that rocky ledge, and will pray for you now–godly wisdom in your choice.

Hail Mary, full of grace! Blessed are you among women, and blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now, and at the hour of our death. Amen.

I’m so sorry. That’s a pain like no other. Just try to remember that your husband is probably trying to fill an emptiness - one that only Christ can fill. Pray for him, pray for guidance, and just take it one day at a time. (For some reason I’m thinking Padre Pio would be a good one to ask for intercession here.) I will also pray for you.

Pray for him daily. Pray for your marriage as well.
I will pray for you both.

Thank you for the prayers. And I have been praying for him.

I feel like I have been able to accept so many terrible secrets and lies but this new one is way too sickening and horrifying for me to just accept. I can’t look at him the same way. I can’t imaging ever having any kind of physical intimacy with him, this awful image is in my mind. At the same time, I want to be loving, forgiving, accepting. I certainly have tons of faults myself… but I am scared and sickened and sad.

If you get back together, but your husband deceived you about something serious at time of marriage, you may need to convalidate your marriage as it could be invalid.

Can. 1098 A person contracts invalidly who enters into a marriage deceived by malice, perpetrated to obtain consent, concerning some quality of the other partner which by its very nature can gravely disturb the partnership of conjugal life.

"Canon 1098 states that a marriage is invalid if one party is deceived by the other, who hides something about himself/herself in order to obtain the first party’s consent to the marriage. The canon specifies that the “something” must be a quality that by its very nature can seriously disrupt the partnership of conjugal life. The wording of this canon is very exact, and it deserves a closer look.

Note that this canon does not say that prospective spouses must tell each other “every single little thing” about themselves, as Scott puts it. At issue here are only those matters which are so significant that if they were known to the other person, he/she would not agree to the marriage! And note also that for a marriage to be found null under this particular canon, the one spouse must have deliberately deceived the other, by consciously hiding/distorting some aspect of his life which, if known, the other spouse would presumably object to."

Praying for you

You and your husband are in my prayers. Remember that Jesus forgave the prostitute and told her to sin no more. It takes great faith to trust again. I hope you find it in your heart.

When Alcoholics try and sober up, they are told they must confess ALL their secrets in order to stay sober. Your husband has probably jumped in with both feet and started telling you everything because in his mind, he has to. Or he feels guilt and it is his why of making amends. It sounds like your husband is going overboard and not discerning when and what to tell. After all, if it is only going to hurt you, it is not necessary to tell all at once.

Also, it is VERY common for a wife to put up with an Alcoholic husband for years, pray for his sobriety and the day the husband sobers up, the wife is in shock because it is NOT the good situation she had hoped for. What a woman thinks life with a sober man would be is very different that what it actually is.

It is no surprise you feel like you don’t know your husband, he is no longer the same person. Give it time, this is a big adjustment period for both of you

With that said and done, only you know the secrets your husband has been revealing. I strongly suggest speaking with a priest of a nun or some trusted person. This is a big burden you are carrying and the details of the secrets can not be helped over the internet.

I hope things will work out for you

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