I’m not even sure where to post this. That I am in desperate need of prayer is certain.
I am a cradle Catholic, who until very recently considered myself a strong and faithful one. I suppose I could be a case study in how easy and quickly one can tumble down a slippery slope.
I have been married for almost 20 years. Again, until recently, I would have said quite happily. Not as excuse, but as background: My husband was injured on the job about 12 years ago, has had several surgeries and has never returned to work. Needless to say, myriad health, emotional, spiritual issues have been come, gone, grown over the years. But our marriage had remained strong.
I have no doubt that he loves me, but all of these issues have spiraled his spirit into a deep pit from which he has been unable to pull himself. And regardless of what I’m about to say, I do love him, yes deeply. Being in that pit has rendered him, mostly emotionally, sometimes physically, unable to express his love for me in the intimate way of spouses for months at a time. Very often he is just completely emotionally absent.
Of course I am aware of the importance of communication, counseling, prayer, everything I should be doing … But the beyond unfortunate (sinful, evil?) thing I have been doing is the basis for my prayer request.
A few months ago I met a man on line and have allowed, even encouraged, an extramarital relationship to develop. I was swept away by the feelings of being ‘noticed’ for the first time in a very long time; suddenly I was attractive, funny, smart, interesting, and yes, sexy. So many needs I had been tamping down, ignoring, begging to be met, were finally being met; albeit by a person from whom I had no business receiving them.
What began as innocent? (yes I do realize that cannot be true) flirtation swiftly moved to not-to-innocent flirtation, to ‘cyber-intimacy’, to emails & photo exchanges, to phone calls, to ultimately meeting and ‘consummating’ the relationship.
Beyond question I know how horrendously wrong this is. But I don’t have the strength, will, want, desire … to stop. I actually feel the most guilty for not feeling guilty enough. I know my soul is in grave danger. I haven’t received communion since this began and have not gone to Mass in many weeks.
I feel like a lost and forsaken soul. I know, I know, I know what I NEED to do … get to confession as quickly as possible, return to the sacraments, do whatever it takes to heal my marriage … but again… I don’t have the will …
I have even seen and recognized God talking to me in so many different ways throughout this whole situation. When I do, I thank Him, beg him to forgive me for ignoring Him and go on in my sin…
am I irrevocably lost and hopeless?