So what is the secret to properly flirting with/befriending Catholic women?


#1

Now I don’t want to make this out to be serious problem in my life or anything. It is just that I have noticed that I tend to be far better at attracting the attention of secular girls than Catholic ones. It isn’t that I am actively seeking a relationship and am failing to find one, I have plenty of patience in regards to waiting for the right time, I just find it troubling that I generally get much warmer responses from girls I say a few friendly words to while out with my friends at a bar or at a friends house party than I do from girls I meet at Church functions. I’m 24 years old and a little bit of a nerd if that plays any role in the discussion.

Feel free to keep the subject matter light hearted though, I don’t mind if people take a little time to make fun of me if it makes some sort of point. I mean I suppose one possibility is that since I don’t have any alcohol available at Church events even my very light drinking (I am known as the permanent designated driver among my friends) is enough to make me more interesting or engaging :smiley:


#2

At least you have an opportunity to interact with Catholic girls. :)


#3

I can't speak for every Catholic girl out there, but as one myself I really hate it when guys flirt with me, I'd rather people be a little more tactful and a lot more intellectual in their approach. ie. none of this "Does your head hurt? Becuase you must of hit it hard when you fell from Heaven!!" rubbish.

That probably doesn't help.


#4

Patrick ~

The awkward geek of today will be tomorrow’s millionaire. :smiley:

In all seriousness, you’re likely not doing anything “wrong”. As a female who has walked this earth for over 3 decades I can tell you that MOST men your age think they’re making huge mistakes. I had certain “rules” in my head about courtship and dating when I was younger. I made a pretty good choice since we’ve made it through a 10+ year relationship with 8+ years of that being married. :wink:

  1. Friends first. Don’t push a relationship, just be her friend. Really - it works. Encourage her on her faith walk. Be the guy that is there when her car breaks down or her sink needs fixing. My husband and I were friends for 3 years before we started dating. He knew me by then and I knew I could trust him…which leads me to…

  2. **Give her reasons to trust you. ** If she can’t trust you, she can’t be serious about the relationship. During your friendship, remember that each and every thing you do she will likely remember. Even the tiny stuff. Be supportive and be a REAL friend. Someone she can count on! If she can’t count on you, she can’t seriously consider marrying you.

  3. Her opinions matter. So do yours. Get to know her and what she likes/dislikes. Get to know what she thinks about critical issues within the church and outside of it. If you’re looking for someone to marry (the eventual plan at the end of a courtship ideally) then you need to be on the same page with most issues or your marriage turns into one gigantic fence that you’re both trying to build and take down at the same time. :banghead:

  4. Know that she’s likely NOT going to “like you that way” at first. This is why the friendship thing is so important. By doing the little things listed above, she will like you as a friend FIRST. She will like you as more than a friend SECOND. This is IDEAL. There will always be times in a marriage when you won’t like each other very much or may even fall “out of love” with each other. But if you have a solid friendship behind the romantic love, you make it through and then get to have the immensely beautiful experience of falling in love all over again.


#5

[quote="HAnne, post:4, topic:218569"]
Patrick ~

The awkward geek of today will be tomorrow's millionaire. :D

[/quote]

Well on the bright side of things I have pretty much grown out of the awkward part of being a geek. I just tend to wear shirts with comic book heroes like the Flash on them and tend to know a whole lot about math and science.

In all seriousness, you're likely not doing anything "wrong". As a female who has walked this earth for over 3 decades I can tell you that MOST men your age think they're making huge mistakes. I had certain "rules" in my head about courtship and dating when I was younger. I made a pretty good choice since we've made it through a 10+ year relationship with 8+ years of that being married. ;)

  1. Friends first. Don't push a relationship, just be her friend. Really - it works. Encourage her on her faith walk. Be the guy that is there when her car breaks down or her sink needs fixing. My husband and I were friends for 3 years before we started dating. He knew me by then and I knew I could trust him...which leads me to...

  2. *Give her reasons to trust you. * If she can't trust you, she can't be serious about the relationship. During your friendship, remember that each and every thing you do she will likely remember. Even the tiny stuff. Be supportive and be a REAL friend. Someone she can count on! If she can't count on you, she can't seriously consider marrying you.

  3. Her opinions matter. So do yours. Get to know her and what she likes/dislikes. Get to know what she thinks about critical issues within the church and outside of it. If you're looking for someone to marry (the eventual plan at the end of a courtship ideally) then you need to be on the same page with most issues or your marriage turns into one gigantic fence that you're both trying to build and take down at the same time. :banghead:

  4. Know that she's likely NOT going to "like you that way" at first. This is why the friendship thing is so important. By doing the little things listed above, she will like you as a friend FIRST. She will like you as more than a friend SECOND. This is IDEAL. There will always be times in a marriage when you won't like each other very much or may even fall "out of love" with each other. But if you have a solid friendship behind the romantic love, you make it through and then get to have the immensely beautiful experience of falling in love all over again.

Good advice though, I had some inkling of some of that in my head already and have heard similar things before but it is always nice to have it brought to the forefront of ones conscious.

The problem still exists that I have problems even establishing friendships with these women though. Maybe Catholic girls just don't like my Superman and Flash shirts?


#6

[quote="vera_dicere, post:3, topic:218569"]
I can't speak for every Catholic girl out there, but as one myself I really hate it when guys flirt with me, I'd rather people be a little more tactful and a lot more intellectual in their approach. ie. none of this "Does your head hurt? Becuase you must of hit it hard when you fell from Heaven!!" rubbish.

That probably doesn't help.

[/quote]

Yeah that isn't really what I meant by flirting. I wouldn't subject anyone to that torture. A better example would be I'm at a bar with friends and end up waiting in line to get my drink near a girl and make eye contact with her (because I was being a typical male and my eyes were wondering, I try not to let them linger though if that counts for anything :blush:) so I say something friendly to avoid having to worry about whether I should quickly look away and pretend it didn't happen or if I wait for the girl to look away first or do something completely different that is equally uncomfortable. Generally in this case conversation flows liberally from there with plenty of smiles and eye contact and what not, just positive signals.

If I meet girls at things like retreats or bible studies though I feel like I have to force conversations. I mean I'm not asking how to make people fall in love with me or anything, I just want to know what I do that makes them practically avoid talking to me. For instance I went to a bible study over the summer that lasted about 2 and a half months and while I am friends with all 5 guys I met there I only think I would feel like 2 or 3 of the 15 girls I met would even remember me.


#7

It might just be that in a bar atmosphere, things are more relaxed and easy going, so smiling and conversations might be easier. You have noise, maybe music going, maybe a pool table, lots of people moving around. At the church functions, things might be quieter, things a little more awkward and stiff, making natural conversation harder to do. Possibly the girls are a little more sheltered, and not as socially expierenced as the bar girls, so are a little shyer.


#8

Keep in mind that girls in a bar are there for the social scene. Girls at a church function may be there for more than meeting guys. Make sure you are, too.

being focused on God during the church function will give you two benefits. For one, it will help bring you closer to God. Anytime you are at a Church function, it's good to keep your priorities straight and remember why you are there.

Second, at that age, a Catholic woman might be a little bit more serious about who she starts dating, because in mid-twenties, it might be "the one". Being a guy who's involved in activities and discussions will make you interesting enough to want to get to know more.

As a fellow nerd, I always took the approach that I would live my life the best way that I could, and the right girl and I would find each other. My wife is gorgeous, intelligent (optometrist), good Catholic, and we were both virgins when we married, so we have an incredible bond between us that helps us through the hard times. Ten years and 2 kids later, I believe I did at least that part right.


#9

[quote="HAnne, post:4, topic:218569"]
Patrick ~

The awkward geek of today will be tomorrow's millionaire. :D

In all seriousness, you're likely not doing anything "wrong". As a female who has walked this earth for over 3 decades I can tell you that MOST men your age think they're making huge mistakes. I had certain "rules" in my head about courtship and dating when I was younger. I made a pretty good choice since we've made it through a 10+ year relationship with 8+ years of that being married. ;)

  1. Friends first. Don't push a relationship, just be her friend. Really - it works. Encourage her on her faith walk. Be the guy that is there when her car breaks down or her sink needs fixing. My husband and I were friends for 3 years before we started dating. He knew me by then and I knew I could trust him...which leads me to...

  2. *Give her reasons to trust you. * If she can't trust you, she can't be serious about the relationship. During your friendship, remember that each and every thing you do she will likely remember. Even the tiny stuff. Be supportive and be a REAL friend. Someone she can count on! If she can't count on you, she can't seriously consider marrying you.

  3. Her opinions matter. So do yours. Get to know her and what she likes/dislikes. Get to know what she thinks about critical issues within the church and outside of it. If you're looking for someone to marry (the eventual plan at the end of a courtship ideally) then you need to be on the same page with most issues or your marriage turns into one gigantic fence that you're both trying to build and take down at the same time. :banghead:

  4. Know that she's likely NOT going to "like you that way" at first. This is why the friendship thing is so important. By doing the little things listed above, she will like you as a friend FIRST. She will like you as more than a friend SECOND. This is IDEAL. There will always be times in a marriage when you won't like each other very much or may even fall "out of love" with each other. But if you have a solid friendship behind the romantic love, you make it through and then get to have the immensely beautiful experience of falling in love all over again.

[/quote]

I agree with this. We can smell a guy on the prowl from miles away, and it's an immediate turn-off. Just relax and try to be friendly. A simple, hello how are you goes a long way. You don't have to TRY to be cute or funny. We notice that. Just be genuine and try not to force anything. If you notice the same girl/s, just keep saying, hey, how are things going with you and let it go from there.

OH, and try not to corner a girl at first because that is going to scare her away. I.e., you could just do a drive-by at first (walk by and say hi but keep going) so at least she knows who you are and if she is interested then she'll wonder why you didn't stick around and then look forward to the next drive-by. If she's not interested, at least her ego will be lifted because she was noticed. :p

Good luck. I'm on the other side of this coin. Most guys are too intimidated to even say hello or do anything but STARE and it's annoying. The rest are too pushy/in my face and I'm extremely guarded (abusive past) and that is a total turn-off.


#10

Although I am a now a wizened crone and I remind men of their mothers instead of a potential occasion of sin, I was once one of these Catholic girls of whom you speak, and perhaps I can shed a little light. There's a lot of good advice on this thread, especially the friendship and trust parts. That's pretty key. Outwardly a Catholic girl seem very modern and worldly, but a great deal going on underneath the surface.

In most cases, Catholic girls who have been raised in the faith are generally more modest in public than regular girls - both in appearance and deportment. The rules are different for them than for secular girls because the default vocation is to be wives and mothers, and they are very conscious of the fact that they're looking for men to whom they can entrust their souls, not just a fun guy who will keep them entertained for awhile. Also, some girls are discerning a vocation, and so they try and avoid focusing on boys altogether.

Even the slightly flirtatious Catholic girls are going to keep their distance until they know you well, and they will maintain pretty specific boundaries. Catholic girls at church functions are on their best behavior because they know that everybody is watching and tongues wag, plus God sees everything they do, anyway, and Confession is a lot easier when you don't have lots to tell. :)


#11

Top Ten Orthodox Catholic Pickup Lines

Read them. Memorize them. Make them a part of you. Then sit back and watch the magic happen.

;)

Okay, maybe not. :p

I think CevinMoses is on the right track. There is a different motivating factor that brings a person to a bar as opposed to a Church event.

I guess I would say I'm a bit of a geek, too (:nerd:) and introverted, but being a touchy-feely sort of person, I discovered that, when I was in a social situation I was comfortable with (such as with the Catholic group at my alma maters), I turned into an incorrigible flirt. :o I think it helped me just to be myself, be friendly, and joke around a lot. Also, you should never underestimate the power of the mere exposure effect. :)

Now that I'm married, I've forgotten how to flirt (thankfully!). So I'm afraid I can't be more specific. :p


#12

Joe 5859, I loved the pick-up lines. I'm going to use that to open my next class on Sunday. Thanks a lot.
:D


#13

[quote="CevinMoses, post:12, topic:218569"]
Joe 5859, I loved the pick-up lines. I'm going to use that to open my next class on Sunday. Thanks a lot.
:D

[/quote]

I'm always happy to spread the message! Our young single Catholic guys need to be prepared! :D


#14

[quote="Joe_5859, post:11, topic:218569"]
Top Ten Orthodox Catholic Pickup Lines

Read them. Memorize them. Make them a part of you. Then sit back and watch the magic happen.

;)

Okay, maybe not. :p

I think CevinMoses is on the right track. There is a different motivating factor that brings a person to a bar as opposed to a Church event.

I guess I would say I'm a bit of a geek, too (:nerd:) and introverted, but being a touchy-feely sort of person, I discovered that, when I was in a social situation I was comfortable with (such as with the Catholic group at my alma maters), I turned into an incorrigible flirt. :o I think it helped me just to be myself, be friendly, and joke around a lot. Also, you should never underestimate the power of the mere exposure effect. :)

Now that I'm married, I've forgotten how to flirt (thankfully!). So I'm afraid I can't be more specific. :p

[/quote]

Those pick-up lines are HILARIOUS! BUT PLEASE DON'T USE THEM! HAHA!


#15

[quote="therese_lisieux, post:9, topic:218569"]
I agree with this. We can smell a guy on the prowl from miles away, and it's an immediate turn-off. Just relax and try to be friendly. A simple, hello how are you goes a long way. You don't have to TRY to be cute or funny. We notice that. Just be genuine and try not to force anything. If you notice the same girl/s, just keep saying, hey, how are things going with you and let it go from there.

OH, and try not to corner a girl at first because that is going to scare her away. I.e., you could just do a drive-by at first (walk by and say hi but keep going) so at least she knows who you are and if she is interested then she'll wonder why you didn't stick around and then look forward to the next drive-by. If she's not interested, at least her ego will be lifted because she was noticed. :p

Good luck. I'm on the other side of this coin. Most guys are too intimidated to even say hello or do anything but STARE and it's annoying. The rest are too pushy/in my face and I'm extremely guarded (abusive past) and that is a total turn-off.

[/quote]

Oh don't worry about me cornering Women, I may have grown out of my awkward stage, but I am still an unquestionable geek and introvert. If there is any sign significant sign that a conversation is going downhill or getting uncomfortable my instincts generally push me towards the flight end of the fight or flight spectrum.


#16

I say just be yourself. For example, apparently a good chunk of women dislike it when men wear flannel shirts. Supposedly it's not stylish. Well I don't care, I like my flannel shirts. (I'm a lumberjack, and that's okay :whistle:.) Well, it turns out the girl I'm dating happens to love the Brawny® look. She's even cool with beards, which is nice, because I've been thinking about growing mine.

So maybe you'll find a girl who really digs your Flash shirt. And maybe not, but the last thing you need is someone who'd turn you down simply because you happen have a different sense of style.


#17

[quote="Havard, post:16, topic:218569"]
I say just be yourself. For example, apparently a good chunk of women dislike it when men wear flannel shirts. Supposedly it's not stylish. Well I don't care, I like my flannel shirts. (I'm a lumberjack, and that's okay :whistle:.) Well, it turns out the girl I'm dating happens to love the Brawny® look. She's even cool with beards, which is nice, because I've been thinking about growing mine.

So maybe you'll find a girl who really digs your Flash shirt. And maybe not, but the last thing you need is someone who'd turn you down simply because you happen have a different sense of style.

[/quote]

Besides the Flash is pretty cool. His costume is litterally made of speed! Does that make any sense? Heck no! But that makes it even more entertaining.


#18

[quote="PatrickSebast, post:1, topic:218569"]
Now I don't want to make this out to be serious problem in my life or anything. It is just that I have noticed that I tend to be far better at attracting the attention of secular girls than Catholic ones. It isn't that I am actively seeking a relationship and am failing to find one, I have plenty of patience in regards to waiting for the right time, I just find it troubling that I generally get much warmer responses from girls I say a few friendly words to while out with my friends at a bar or at a friends house party than I do from girls I meet at Church functions. I'm 24 years old and a little bit of a nerd if that plays any role in the discussion.

Feel free to keep the subject matter light hearted though, I don't mind if people take a little time to make fun of me if it makes some sort of point. I mean I suppose one possibility is that since I don't have any alcohol available at Church events even my very light drinking (I am known as the permanent designated driver among my friends) is enough to make me more interesting or engaging :D

[/quote]

In my opinion, Catholic women are no different than non-Catholic women in that they want to be treated with respect and kindness. The Catholic women I've met, when compared with secular women, in general are more modest, traditional, etc. However, that does not mean that they're more shy or less likely to be attracted to you. As long as you possess the qualities that they're looking for, such as a sincere love for Our Lord, kindness, respect, capacity for love, being a leader, a caring nature, etc., they will be attracted to you.

To be honest, I used to attract secular women more, too; however, as time went on, I realized that I attract Catholic and secular women pretty much equally. That said, I only date Catholic women, so I pay less attention to secular women. Maybe there's some confirmation bias involved, but just remember that Catholic women are women, too, and they have the same basic needs, too, and are looking for the same subset of qualities in a man.

Good luck!


#19

Well Christian in women in general don't want to be regarded as "scores" if you know what I mean. Which I doubt you'd do.

The secret to "properly flirting/befriending," isn't to default to cheesy lines and courtship-styled facades. Seriously, if you like a girl, use your body language to show that you like her! I'm telling you...my husband laid it on soooo thick even a bat using echolocation could have known he liked me. What kind of body language? For one, smiling, looking at her (not other places, mind you!), standing a tad closer, and at least look relaxed. Though I imagine most guys are usually a little nervous when approaching a girl they think is cute or like. But remember, most human communication is done nonverbally.

Whatever you do, don't stare. It gets creepy.

And geeks, nerds, dorks, whatever, are soooooo charming! (sigh)


#20

Just "flirt" or talk with them normally - as you would with another female.

Don't wear your heart on your sleeve and try too hard in conversation, or cornering her. Catholic girls are still girls; no one likes a desperate guy chasing after them.

Trust me, I'm 25, and I have buddies who unfortunately try way too hard at getting dates from "good Catholic girls."

If you're a normal guy and not trying to be something you're not, then you shouldn't have to worry.

I do disagree with the whole "being friends" thing before asking her out - just ask her straight up after chatting with her after a few times. Don't wait around; she'll most likely see you as being just another nice guy friend and will say that you're "too good of a friend" for her to date.


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