when they find out their 14 year old daughter is acting out her low selfesteem by becoming the school slut?
I hope you are able to get through to her and help her realize her worth. I’m sorry that she’s struggling and I’m sorry that you are faced with this trial. It’s not easy being a parent. They make us humble, don’t they?
Talk to her. Support her. Help her find other ways to improve her self-esteem, such as joining a choir or acting group or sports team. If she’s really struggling, consider counselling.
As someone who suffered from very low self-esteem at that age (I’m 19 now) I can say that one thing I always wished for was that my mum would notice how I felt and try and help me. I understand it’s hard for a parent to see their child suffer but your daughter will love you for it.
Hi Rachel. I remember your previous posts so I know that this girl has been through a lot of emotional turmoil. Many girls who haven’t dealt with the situation she has dealt with still out sexally at a young age. It seems as though sex has been a focal point in your family dynamic, either in an obvious or obscured way. This is how she thinks the world relates to itself, acting out through sex. Also, if she has felt like her own father has looked at her in an unwholesome way (going by previous posts) she may think that is the only way a boy will view her and that sex is the be all and end all of any true relationship.
My advice is to isolate her from the boys she is acting out with. If that means a new school, so be it. Do more than punish her, encourage her. 14 is young, and this can be turned around. Remind her of her future, college, a cool career, seeing the world - teens can get so caught in their own little world they forget what awaits them and forefit it before they even know what it is. Get her a mentor if you can, maybe a girl from a local university who excels.
Maybe not call her a slut?
Girls use sexuality to get affection.
Talk to her…keep the lines of communication open with her.
Don’t yell at her…if she thinks she cannot talk to you, she’ll confide in her friends. The friends might give her terrible advice on what to do.
Have her bring her friends home while you are home. Get to know them.
Calling her a slut is probably a bad place to start. You should probably just talk to her about why it is important to have respect for herself and her body. Encourage her to join a club or group at school if she isn’t already in one. When I was in high school I was very involved in the band program. We were a very close-knit group and I know it kept me out of a lot of trouble.
14 - Eighth grade.
I’d suggest a Woman of Grace seminar, or a Theology of the Body seminar for teens.
She’s locking herself into believing that there is no hope and no life after high school and that sex is the way to equalize inner inequality and power positions with other girls and with boys.
It’s a dangerous mental cycle that she needs to get off of.
Get rid of her phone, no dating, no time away from the house unattended, cancel whatever needs cancelled and hire a family oriented Catholic counselor.
Sounds like she has waaay too much freedom to me. 14 yr. olds shouldn’t be given free reign, and should be closely supervised.
Is there a way you can home school her? That would be a start. Pull her out of her environment and away from the bad influences of that school.
Here are some good (free) MP3 audio files on purity that may help:
You know, when I think about it, I’ve never met a “slut” who actually was one. But I have met a lot of “good girls” and “queen bees” who were. Don’t call her name. Don’t belittle her problems by telling her, her whole life is… or, that she’s making a big deal out of… or that you know exactly how she feels…Be honest, be open, don’t immediately judge when she opens up and lets you in. Try saying something like: “I can’t even imagine what it’s like to be you. Being a teenager was hard when I was one, and the world was a lot more simple then. I can’t even wrap my head around it…tell me what it’s like.”
Definitely agree with more supervision and Catholic counselor. Does she take a bus to or from school? If possible, drive her. You would be surprised what happens on the school bus. And in the school bathrooms. Homeschooling is great if you can do it.
Is she involved in any after school activities? Is she in confirmation classes or CCD? My 14 year old boy did a retreat this year and loved it.
Hard to give you ideas on how to protect her if we don’t know what her schedule is like. Does she have freedom before or after school? Oh and the predators will get older and older. Nothing boast self-esteem like an older man that can spoil you rotten.
Consider why she’d rather do anything for a boy who told her she was beautiful than listen to a family that would ever ever ever call her a slut. If she has ever heard you call her that, you need to apologize, and let her know that you need to repent as much as she does.
Don’t neglect to talk about sin, but always talk about it in terms of God’s infinite love and mercy and in terms of the difference between the glamour that will lead to wishing to fill one’s belly with food meant for pigs and the wisdom that leads you to choose to spend time in a family that would slaughter a fatted calf for you because you came to your senses after some of the most monumentally bad decisions in history. Talk in terms of the parable of the lost coin and the parable of the lost sheep. Whatever she’s done, it can’t be as bad as asking your parents to hand over your inheritance (because they’re being too slow about dying and getting it to you the normal way) and squandering ALL of it on loose living and bad friends.
Try Raising Ophelia by Mary Phiper. In general, chaperone her with loads of positive attention and ways to accomplish things in her own right. Connect her up with girls her own age who are accomplished and positive. Well…read the book. It will help greatly on the side of explaining how adolescent girls tick.
Get her counselling, too. I would not be too certain that staying in a school where she’d get a reputation as THE school slut is a good idea in terms of accomplishing her turn-around.
Among other things, take her to Confession and pray.
Well, if she’s acting out, IT’s a symptom. And you seem to know that it’s a symptom of low self esteem. Is THIS news? Why is it that she has low self esteem, In your guestimation. How can this be addressed?
How did you find this out? Did this come through the grapevine? Or did she somehow tell you? Is she BEGGING you for attn? I see that you have several children, and she’s a middle child. Any chance she has that middle child problem of feeling virtually invisible?
I’d look to work on the cause, as opposed to the symptom.
Part of me wonders if a 14 y/o who is called a slut by her own mother might be called other names, whether by parents or siblings, and then classmates. This issue needs to be addressed.
Hopefully you can help her realize that she is infact valuable and that no guy who hasn’t not agreed to marry her and take care of her is worth her body!
Start by not referring to your daughter as the “school slut.”
Is this the same daughter who is anorexic b/c she wants to retain a childlike figure since her father has an addiction to ‘lusting’? as discussed in the previous thread?
You kind of dropped a bomb with this one statement and then no explanation? How did you find this out, what did you find out? The label isn’t helpful. A 14 year old is looking for some kind of affirmation and affection and approval. If she feels unattractive then attention from boys can be very intoxicating.
Did you read some nasty stuff on her FB page or something? It might not even be true. You should talk to her about this right away. Please try not to call her names. If this is your daughter who has been struggling with anorexia then she has real problems. Pray for her, I will pray too.
this is my anorexic dd who has been in counseling for 18 months – she only has 10 pounds until she meets her minimum weight goal for her age – she finally is no longer just a skeleton, is looking healthy
i have been talking about modesty, chastity, good relationships, healthy self image, selfworth, etc with all my children since they were old enough to talk – and i and her counselors have been dealing with this all along, but of course she had been lying that she wasn’t doing anything like she has been doing. i have bought and read and given them all to read (all my kids are voracious readers) many books to help them understand their worth, chastity, healthy relationships, etc.
she bragged about her behavior in emails that i checked – as her parent she knows i can/may check anything she does on the computer – but she was ‘shocked’ that i actually did it – she felt totally safe in having played the sweet innocent i’d-never-do-that-sort-of-thing girls at home, while in her emails and notes to friends and talking outside the home she has become a very vulgar, promiscuous rule/law breaker
she has become known around school as the girl who will give oral sex if you can get her in a dark corner or alley – that to me is the definition of ‘slut’ – she uses that term to describe girls who do what she has begun doing in the last 6 months – that’s why i used it on here to give a quick, easily understood definition of her behavior.
she admits her behavior but says she doesn’t want to do it or know why she does it, but does it anyway.
i tell her daily that she is special, gifted, talented, wise, beautiful, insightful, loved, loving, a gem – because she is – she needs to hear it from her dad who i had to kick out of the house a year ago for looking at his own daughters with lust, as well as cheating on me for all 24 years of our marriage – he never showed love to her in the way she needed, never felt respected, loved, noticed, admired (except sexually), valued or worthwhile to him – now she is looking to giving easy sex to random guys to fill that void.
all my kids are/have been very good students, in many good school groups and sports, in bands, in key club, spanish club, computer club, rel ed and creed, altar servers, mannerly, leaders in their classes and groups, very busy with good activities, never let to wander the streets or go to homes i don’t know and approve of, only have tracphones with no camera, limited minutes, no computers in their rooms or when i’m not home, no phones in their rooms or tv shows that aren’t family approved.
i allowed her to go to the christian coffee house with a very nice girl – she ditched her friend and gave oral sex in the alley behind the shop. she goes in dark hallways with guys.
i don’t know what, short of homeschooling and quitting work, i can do.
i’m truly asking for help.
has she been molested? Her father has left a big void in her life, at least, if not actually touching her, perhaps his attitude has caused the same kind of damage.
Is there a trustworthy male who can start taking her out on “dates?” You have to make sure these are 100% trustworthy men though. Otherwise it could be a total disaster. This should be her dad’s role, to show her that she is worthy of attention and love that does not include sex.
Have you talked to her about this - it sounds like you have, since she was shocked that you check her emails (good for you!!). Did you ask her why and what she gets out of doing that to the boys? Is it her way of gaining some form of power over them? Her therapist should know about this and be helping her to stop doing it. Some counselors will actually applaud teenagers for “getting in touch with their own sexuality” but it doesn’t sound like you have that type.
She is abusing what freedom she has, by lying to you and putting herself in dangerous situations (going with the guy away from where she was supposed to be). She obviously does not believe she has intrinsic worth and value, which is why I asked about molestation.
I will pray for her today, as much as I can. Is there any family member who might be able to take her, one where she will have adult supervision all the time? The other thing I thought of was out of home placement like a military school but they are very expensive these days. It’s not easy to help a very wayward teenager with a lot of issues.
so you need something like a miracle here. a miracle that requires a lot of people work.
on an emotional realm, your ex taught the daughters that sex is what makes women attractive. promiscuous, unholy sex is what men want. well, the man she ***should ***want has abandoned her (he abandoned her long before he ever left) so she’ll replace him (fluently) with any male and give him promiscuous, unholy sexual expereince.
in a spiritual realm, children bereft of their father’s spiritual protection, are sitting ducks for spiritual darkness to settle in.
of course she’s lying about this. there’s no way to tell a truth like this, “my dad liked whores. and i wish my dad liked me. so i’ll be a whore and see how this plays out.” who can ***say ***that out loud???
she’s already in counseling. do confession every week. you cant make her go but you can bring her. leave her alone for NO time. you tell her she’s special and that’s awesome good. you’ve already mad a lot of hard changes to show her you value her deeply. now more changes are necessary. she needs to be shown more because she has seen so much bad.
tell the school principal what’s happening in his/ her hallways. this is HIS/ HER problem, too. insist your daughter do nothing unsupervised by a woman aid, or female teacher. if the school is too big or simply a cesspool of teen sexual activity anyway, find a smaller school. if you have to, move. choose a charter school that will keep her accountable. i’m thinking: she’s already poisoned the well at her current school. it’s almost impossible for a student to change her status/ reputation in high school-- unless it is only to downgrade.
find a religious community of women. drop her off there on the saturdays to spend some time. bring her anywhere there are holy women doing good things. blankets for the sick ministries etc, prolife etc.
figure on doing this at least till the end of the school year.
you, mom, get to as many daily masses as possible. storm the gates of heaven for her. ask your daughter her favorite male saint. recommend her to the patronage of that saint. (saint joseph is a perfected, powerful fatherly intercessor) ask him for his spiritual fatherhood of your girl. pray every single day.
i have a troubled son. after 7 years of intense, painful, traumatic prayer and re-dedication to Our Blessed Mother, things are finally begining to have a tiny, hint of inkling of miracle turn-around. do NOT give up. the devil wants you to lose hope. never lose hope. hope is from GOD Himself. the devil wants you to think you’re wasting your time. everytime you have that inkling of suspicion that maybe it’s useless, KNOW for sure you’re not wasting your time. the devil wouldnt bother tempting you with despair if GOD’S GRACE was useless.
While you figure out what to do next, I will say a rosary for her, right now.
Keep working at it. I am sure it is a long, hard, road.