Hi everyone. I’m back on after taking some time off. I know i’ve probably asked this before but i’m not sure. My question is whether i’m called to be single.
Anyway, i’m wondering this because right now, while my spiritual life isn’t exactly in the best shape, I do feel comfortable and at peace with myself. Right now i’m single and to be honest I feel okay with being single the rest of my life. I have a decent job finally and within a few years i’ll hopefully be out of debt and might even be able to save quite a bit, though if i’ve learned anything in my 20’s its that you should be more flexible with your plans.
Anyway, I used to be so worried i’d be single forever and i also always thought that maybe I should be a priest because I thought being single was selfish. Anyway i never seriously pursued the priesthood and I don’t know if I seriously tried to find someone to marry, even though I wanted to be in a relationship so bad.
I guess i’ve matured in the past few years and while i still have my vocational doubts, i’m starting to feel like maybe being single the rest of my life wouldn’t be so bad. While i’d love to be married, i must admit i’m probably not the best catch due to some personal issues. Also, i feel like i would probably be just as happy being a single person. While I sometimes think it would be nice to be married I think I sometimes idealize it too much (as does our culture) and in all honesty i’m finding that maybe its okay being alone and it might be better for me.
The only problem with this is that I’m worried i’m making excuses. My prayer life sucks right now and while I go to mass and live a decent life, i’m probably just lukewarm as far as my faith goes. I also used to have a lot of self esteem problems and still find myself thinking these thoughts and I wonder if i’m just taking the easier route rather than the one that will be best for me.
However, I’ve also heard it said that your spouse is your biggest cross and that god won’t I’ve you a cross you can’t handle. So maybe I can’t handle marriage? I really don’t mean this in a sad way, but it is what it is. Honestly at this point i’d be okay being single. Part of me wants to be married, but part of me also wants to be a monk but their is very little chance of that happening with my debt load, at least in the new future and i’ll probably just above the age limit once i’m fully out of debt.
Another thing that makes me think I should be single too is that i’m just kind of an odd person. not that i’m weird or a creep, but autism runs in my family and to be honest I know i exhibit some traits though i’m definitely not on the spectrum according to certain tests. Part of me thinks that maybe i’m just the kind of guy who doesn’t need anyone. My only problem with this is that god hasn’t confirmed anything with me.
So what should I do. I know I wrote a novel so bear with me, but i’d love to know