Some advice please...

Some of you may remember the issues with my sister, anyway it’s continued. She’s marrying the guy she left 6 years ago. One of my problems with this, if you remember he was married when she got pregnant with my nephew, was exactly that.

Well apparently they’d been seeing each other and they both applied for annulments, she’d been married civilly behind everyone’s back. Anyway, they both were given the ok to marry in the Church, so I guess they’re previous marriages were found to be not valid. Anyway, she called me 1 week ago asking me to be her matron of honor and my ds to be the ring bearer. She’s getting married on Nov. 21, 2009…yes you read this correctly, she just a week ago asked me and informed me of her pending marriage. She hasn’t told my mom about it and just told my dad a couple of days ago:eek:.

She moved out of my mom and dad’s house about 2 months ago to go live with this man, supposedly with the blessing of the monsignor. Apparently, because they share a child it’s completely ok for them to live together before they get married:mad:, anyway she came while my mom was not home and took some of her stuff and told my nephew that he wasn’t going to live there anymore. My dad said that my nephew was devastated and cried the entire time.

There’s a lot of water under the bridge, she has been responsible for most of why everything has been so bad, her lies, manipulation and sneekiness. Because of what she’s said we don’t like him and he doesn’t like us, he’s NEVER paid a dime in child support. My parents put a roof over their head and food on the table, she lived there rent and utility free. She got a full time job about 2 and a half years ago, before that she was unemployed or employed part time so for almost 4 years she and my nephew were supported by my parents and myself.

To tell the truth, I don’t want to have anything to do with this disaster waiting to happen. I pray that it will work out and that I’m wrong, but neither of them have changed one bit since she left him 6 years ago. The mere fact that she left my parents house to go live with him speaks volumes of how she cares nothing about what the Church teaches, she wants what she wants. No confession, no communion because she knows that she’s fornicating yet she wants a Catholic wedding, I just don’t get it. All for show is the only explanation I can come up with.

My parents are upset and hurt as am I, but should I attend this wedding? As far as Canon Law we can’t oppose the wedding they’ve been given the go ahead, so are we obligated to attend and be part of this wedding? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, I know I did a little venting, but I thought it was important to give a little background to show why I don’t want to go. Now in all fairness to my sister, she was there for me when my marriage crumbled around me and when my baby passed away, she supported me during those very tough times. This wedding is different, the support she wants is different, she wants me to be ok with something that I totally disagree with and not because it’s just how I “feel” about it, but because of actions, behaviors and words. Help please, thank you.

Hey…can you really blame her for the actions the church is approving or encouraging? She has a monsignor telling her its OK to cohabitate. The church, not her, approved the annulments. By the looks of it she’s doing what she’s told to get in good graces with the church.

Now weither that’s the licit, right way is a different story.

About the other things…the lying, sneaking, manipulation…she hurt the family deeply and she needs to understand that. In that respect you have a perfect right not to go.


The church has put her seal of approval on all of this nonsense. At the very least you should attend. Weither or not your son attends/participates or you participate depends on how much you want to keep family harmony.

it is a personal prudential judgement. If it were me I would have an appointment I can’t break on that day, like brain surgery, or getting a pedicure, or making Penney’s one day sale. If your parents choose to allow this person to continue to manipulate them and lie to them, that is their problem they will have to deal with the results, but there is no reason for you to be a party to any of this.

you will have to decide, however, if you want to continue to be part of your nephew’s life, and what you will have to concede to achieve this.

I know that most people will have a problem with what I said. So be it. It is not my desire to be hurtful in any way, merely to ask you to show some compassion for a woman that obviously has and continues to make mistakes in her life. But the point once again is that we all sin and we all continue to sin and still God loves us. You are called to love your sister. I said nothing about condoning her past or forgetting–just forgive her if you feel she has done something wrong to you. Your parents will have to find their own forgiveness for her. Please consider being there for her.

I sincerely doubt that the monsignor actually said that and if he did he probably isn’t the type of priest one would want to take religious advice from. IF he did say it… it still goes against Church teaching and is wrong. I know that couple who were married outside the Church, who converted and needed to have their marriage blessed, are told to wait on the marriage act until the marriage is blessed. I really doubt the monsignor actually said that. This is probably more along the lines of the lies and sneakiness we’ve been hearing about…

I don’t believe the monsignor actually told her it was okay to move out and live with him, I suspect she told him they were already living together and the monsignor wasn’t going to make them live apart. I know my sister and she will say things in a way to get the answer she wants. Now, I love my sister and I forgive her and am certainly NOT free of sin and I have made mistakes. The difference between us is that when I’ve made mistakes I’ve never treated her like dirt or threw her or anyone else under the bus to justify my behavior.

See her justification for leaving my mom and dad’s to live with him is because she getting married anyway so what’s the big deal. Also, because when I was married civilly I lived with my husband for a couple of weeks when I moved out from California to Chicago before the Church wedding. Now, I don’t know if that could’ve had anything to do with my disaster of a “marriage,” hindsight being 20/20 and knowing Church teaching now I wouldn’t have lived with him one day before the Church wedding. But, according to her I have NO right to tell her that she shouldn’t because I did it. Well, with that logic I guess I can’t tell my son not to drink or have premarital sex because I did it:eek. Faulty logic at the very least!

When I spoke with the marriage coordinator at the church where’s she’s getting married about why a priest would ever tell a couple it’s ok to live together before they get married her response was that it was a moral issue not a canonical(sp?) one therefore there was no impediment for them to get married. She also said that they could only go on a couple’s word after all they weren’t the inquisition:mad: and if the family wasn’t ok with the marriage…well all they could do is pray. This is what’s wrong with “marriage coordinators” a priest and the Church should seriously consider a family’s objections to a marriage. I would venture to say that the family would know more about the couple or at least one of them than what the priest and marriage coordinator know in such a short time, don’t you think? I should be able to tell the priest everything that has gone on and continues to go on regarding the couple wanting to get married if I have first hand knowledge and experience!

Someone said that I’m trying to punish my sister for her past…it’s not just her past it’s her present. It’s what she’s doing right now and has been doing…do you get it? Which is why I said that neither have changed in 6 years, if I would have seen that she’s living her life differently, that she did things openly and honestly I wouldn’t think twice about supporting her, even if she’s chosen a man I don’t agree with…I would know she’s different. And no, just because we helped her we don’t expect her to do what we say, what we do expect is for her to live her life as God and the Church call us to live it…chastley. We expect her to treat us respectfully and with dignity and to be appreciative of what we have done for her. Yes, I do see her going back with this man as a betrayal and as far as wanting my nephew to have an intact family, yes I want that for him, but it doesn’t mean that these two people being together will make his life better. In fact it’s had the opposite effect, he’s asked me several times if he can come live with me and I’m 3000 miles away! When I ask him why, he says he that he’s unhappy living with his mom and dad, that he wishes they still lived with his Nana and Tata or with me and my ds. He’s told me various times that all his mom and dad do is yell at each other and fight and that he hides behind the couch while covering his ears. Hmmm, I wonder why his life hasn’t improved since his mom and dad are living under the same roof now?

My sister also asked her man to get married without telling my parents until after, see once she’s married they have no choice but to accept him, this is why she got pregnant to begin with, then we would have to accept her adulterous relationship with this married man after all she was having his baby. Oh, and by the way this is not the first man she’s done this with. Same tactics different reason…but this will be the last time I help her leave him. Now, she’ll be married I will NOT help her leave him, if she ever decided to do that she’s on her own.

I will concede though, that I love my nephew and I want to be able to have a relationship with him especially since I’m his Godmother. I know that my sister will NOT instruct him in the Faith, considering she has so little regard for it. In order for that to happen I will need to, at least, go to the wedding. I don’t feel like I would go to the reception though, I can’t see myself celebrating this marriage. On top of that, the tension with his family because of everything that’s happened is high, I can’t stand one of his sister’s and I have a feeling I would deck her…I know not very charitable:rolleyes: and I would hate to ruin the reception:blush:. I know, I’ve vented again…sorry:blush:, now this post is super long:o.

I can see why you’d have issues. Who knows if she was 100% truthful with Monsignor, as it seems part of the story might have been ‘embarrassing’ for her to say, kwim? I’d have serious concerns with it too. Would I want my children thinking that the entire situation is ok with me?

I know that having you there would mean the world to her, and your absence might cause rifts that might take years to repair. It’s a hard position to be in…I’m sorry :frowning: I would go after prayerfully talking about it with God.

The reason I say this is that my sisters chose not to come to my sons’ funerals, and it’s taken a LONG time for me to get to the point where I resent them. Don’t add that to it, kwim?

Talk to YOUR priest! See what he says!!

SISTERS ARE FOREVER…If you decide to attend her wedding. If not… you will lose her friendship forever or maybe not…

It doesn’t matter if you approve of the wedding or not. The most important thing is to stay friendly with your sister and help her out in her decision to get married.

I have had my ups and downs with my two sisters, they have both been mean to me at times but I fought to stay friendly with them and would forgive them eachtime.

It is her life and that is what she wants to do with it. She may be messed up in the head but hey,… who isn’t in most families.

I know how you feel… because I have also had to keep my mouth shut and not say a word against my grand-daughter who got married too young and not prepared for marriage.
If I had said one word to her about me not approving the wedding she would not have spoken to me ever. I didn’t want to lose her so I stayed quiet.

At least your sister is trying her best to be a good catholic by getting married by the Church.
She has an approving priest who cares about her and wants her to stay in his parish.
I think sometimes priests try to do their best to help a dysfuntional church member as much as they can in order to save their souls.
I am almost 70yrs. old now and I have had my ups and downs with my two sisters. I have been the one to keep the peace between us.
I think it has been worth it because it has kept our families together and family is very important when we get older.

I hope you can keep up a relationship with her…if for nothing else, then for her little boy’s sake. Maybe your sister won’t change, but you could still be a good influence on him.

Well, I did speak with one of my priest’s and he said there was a lot going on and in the end the decision would have to be mine. He did say that I shouldn’t go to the wedding if she hadn’t told my parents because he thought it would be better to be on good terms with my parents than with her and I agree. Her actions of not telling my parents is just utterly disrespectful and rude and it really bothers me.

I do think that if she tells my parents I will go, but I don’t think I could actually be in her wedding. Now, that being said I’m going through an extremely difficult financial situation, doing everything in my power to not lose my house and my car. I don’t have any money to fly back to California, if she had told me about this months ago I could’ve used my miles to go there, now I don’t have anymore miles to use. If by some miracle I do get to go, should I let ds be in the wedding as the ring bearer even though I won’t be in the wedding?

My advise is just to tell your sister you can’t go at this time to participate due to financial problems.
Also tell her she should tell the parents about her wedding. If she says, “no”… then just stay out of it.
You will stay in your sister’s good side and your parents good side by not attending the wedding since you do have financial problems.

You have an excellant reason for not participating in the wedding. Weddings only take a few hours for celebration and then you have to fly back home. I think it is a waste of money that you don’t really have.
I live in California and it is a very expensive state. I wouldn’t waste my money that way.

My final advise is just to stay home and tell your sister to send you the wedding photos through e-mail.

Your Sister and her boyfriend went through the efforty to have their marriages annulled so they could be married in the chuch. If for no reason other than that you should be there and be supportive. Their living arrangements bewteen now and the wedding should be between them and their confessor.

It is true that her sister is trying her best to be a good Catholic by getting married in the Catholic church. I think that is great… but times have changed finnancially for a lot of Americans. Losing a house is a serious problem. Credit cards are now charging a high interest for getting credit.
If the sister doesn’t really have the money to be at the wedding then she should stay home.
The days of living on credit cards is over for a lot of people because of the high interest rates.
Flying all the way from Chicago to Calif. is very expensive at the last minute. Having to buy a Maid of Honor dress is also expensive. Having her son get all dressed up for the wedding is also expensive.

I don’t think her sister will hold it against her if she doesn’t participate in the wedding.
Just because they live so far away from eachother. If they lived in the same city then I would agree that she should participate in the wedding to keep the friendship of her sister.

I have seen some very small weddings at my church where only the bride and the groom and a few relatives showed up at the ceremony.

Plus, I don’t like the idea that her sister didn’t invite her parents to the wedding or even told them about it. THAT IS A BIG SECRET… that this sister has to keep. I don’t get a good feeling about that.

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