Some advice?


#1

Sorry in advance for the long post - but I appreciate any advice:)

About a year ago, my best friend of over 14 years and I started seeing each other. For a long time, there had been a running joke among our circle of friends that the two of us would end up married, but neither of us had really looked at our relationship in that way. Eventually, though, the two of us began to see what our friends saw and our relationship moved beyond mere friendship. However, a variety of circumstances, including the fact that he was planning to move five hours away at the end of last August to finish his schooling, kept us from ever making the relationship “official”. Following him on his move was not an option for me as I am still working on my degree and would have difficulty transferring classes.

Apart from the fact that he was moving, both of us were in a position where marriage within the next couple of years was certainly an option, and something that both of us thought and talked about a fair amount.

It was decided that instead of us trying to keep up a long distance relationship over the next couple of years while we finish school, we would simply remain friends and when I finished my degree (because I would be done first), I would move to where he was and we could revisit the relationship. Looking back, I see that this was rather idealistic, but it seemed to make sense at the time.

However, a couple months after the move things started to get a little messy. A mutual friend of ours told me that he was again dating his old girlfriend. I was hurt, but at the same time knew that he and I had agreed to be nothing more than friends for the time being.

When I tried to talk to him about it, he said that maybe in the future the two of us will work out, but for right now he’s going to stay with his girlfriend. Anyways, things progressed, he acted like a jerk about things not only to me but to others as well, and to make a long story short(er), the two of us had quite a falling out and we both said things in anger that I’m sure we didn’t mean - at least I know I did, including that I could never fall in love with him after all of this.

Which brings me to now. We’re both in a place where we can certainly be decent to each other and make small talk when in the same room. Since we both share a similar group of friends, it’s nearly impossible to avoid each other completely, nor do I want to. However, he recently sent me an email saying that he could not be friends with me without falling for me again and he just wants to stop thinking about what might have been.

Both of us are strong Catholics. And I strongly believe in forgiveness, and second chances. But I also believe there comes a time when you simply have to move on. He’s also still dating his girlfriend - which makes me feel like I have no right to tell him that I was angry when I said the things I did and maybe could fall in love with him again if things changed. And the fact that he’s still with his girlfriend while telling me this is a little bit troubling to me.

So, in all of this, I guess I’m really just looking for some advice. I’ve prayed about the situation a lot. And I’ve really been meditating on Proverbs 3:5 “Trust in the Lord with all your heart…” and Jeremiah 29:11 “For I know the plans I have for you…” But I’m really at a loss here at what to do. Any advice or perspectives you’re able to share is greatly appreciated!


#2

Hmmm-I think that those two verses really need to be read and re-read over and over again and ask God to handle this for you and to move you in whatever direction he wants you to move in.

Really and truely, if it’s meant to be it will be. He has something around the corner for you that will be fabulous. Just trust and go with it.

The older I get the more I realize that all things do happen for a reason.:wink:


#3

He’s dating someone else. Don’t let him keep you dangling on a string.
It’s a little insulting to expect you to hang around while he suits himself with someone else.
Don’t be fooled by the ‘falling-in-love’ talk. There is a whole myth around that, books, poems, movies, magazines…at a basic level it simply means’ attraction’. Love is what he is not offering you as love does not put someone through what he is putting you through. Just a little reality check. You deserve better than to be back-up girlfriend. You deserve someone who is attracted to you of course…but who also honestly and genuinely treats you with respect and consideration.

May God guide and lead you.

I’m sorry you are going through this hurt. Please God you can concentrate on your study and not allow yourself to be drained and splintered by this man who also doesn’t show proper respect to his current girlfriend. She also could be hurt and offended to know she’s possibly a temporary fix.

May God lead you to a man of integrity who has genuine lifelong love for you dear soul


#4

I would tell him that he doesn’t have the right to talk of falling in love with you while he’s dating someone else. That, when he’s free to date, go ahead and reach out. Otherwise, you see no reason that you can’t be polite to each other when you run into each other at events where friends are shared.


#5

Forgive him. AND THEN FORGET HIM. Get your degree, move on and find yourself a guy who will treat you like a queen and be there for you and the children.


#6

I'm a married guy, just an FYI, but here's my opinion:

If he was really into you the way he says he was, he'd drop this girlfriend of his and be with you. The fact that he continues to date another woman means that he really isn't that into you.

This seems like a classic case of a guy liking the attention and thinking it's cool to have multiple women infatuated with him. Guys like this will have their one girl they will always be with but will constantly string along another one to pump his ego up.

The best thing to do in this case it tell him to either leave his girlfriend completely and forever and date you exclusively or quit hinting at the possibility of having a relationship with you.

I think at this point you have to force him to commit one way or the other. Also, if he decides to stay with his girlfriend and stops leading you on, then you need to do your part and not bring it up either.


#7

I hate when people do this sort of thing - date someone but keep someone else waiting in the wings. Is he doing it to boost his ego, or to make sure he has a backup? You talk about marriage with this man, but he doesn’t sound like marriage material at the moment…he’s not being faithful to his current girfriend by talking about falling in love with you, so could he be trusted to be faithful within a marriage? Hmmmm…

You should not accept being a backup plan! Forget about him (other than being polite when he’s in your company) and concern yourself with finding a potential husband who will have you as his priority, not a backup. Distance yourself from him, so that any potential husbands out there will not be put-off by the “running joke among our circle of friends that the two of us would end up married”.


#8

I'm in a long distance relationship because of school. I'm finishing up medical school while he is on the other side of the country being a young professional. Our story is convoluted and confusing, mostly for the same reasons yours is. We went through so many -]arguments /-]discussions about if we should try long distance, if the relationship is worth it, if we saw it going anywhere, if we could handle the time apart. It came down to the fact that there were too many "ifs" and we just needed to try it. That boiled down the "ifs" to only two: what would happen if it failed and what would happen if it succeeded. So far, it's been a success, but we did have the discussion that if it didn't work out, we would cut off contact for X amount of time before trying to be email pals or whatever.

You guys decided not to limit your "what ifs". Instead, your life is a huge pile of "ifs", floating on a sea of doubt. Your mutual friends are both a blessing and a curse; they keep you tied to him, but at the same time, they can provide objective, two-sided advice better than anyone on an anonymous forum can. Ask them for their opinions and tell them no sugar-coating, thanks.

This guy has chosen to date instead of wait for you. That should speak volumes, as well as be a huge turnoff. A man who goes around dating another while professing his love for you... you think that you'll be exempt from his flakiness if you date him again? You need to put on a stoic front whether or not you still love him; he sees your love and he's using it to string you along. If you are flippant, he loses that power... and maybe you'll be able to see the relationship more clearly.


#9

Men put their time, energy, and money into the things they **want **to put their time, energy, and money into.

He’s not putting his time and energy into you. That should tell you all you need to know.


#10

First of all, 1ke is right. I know it hurts, but this guy just doesn’t feel the same way about you, or is too immature to be serious about anyone.

I could go into more detail about relationships, and how you’re supposed to build up these kind of experiences before you get married, but I’ll try to make it short. Let’s look at the timeline:

  • You were “best friends” for a long time before a relationship. That tells me one or both of you wasn’t really into the other “that way” or it wouldn’t have taken so much convincing.

  • There is a five hour [driving] distance between you. That is nowhere near far enough to keep a guy from pursuing a relationship. If you can drive and be there on the same day, it ain’t “long distance.” If neither of you has a vehicle, then maybe I could see it differently.

  • You talked about marriage a couple of years in advance. I’m not sure where to come down on this one, but I think given you seem to be college age, I’m going to say this is irrelevant. I’m not sure why you thought it was important to start thinking about marriage when you knew you’d be five hours apart…

  • He started dating his old girlfriend and he didn’t tell you about it. It really doesn’t matter if he didn’t tell you because he didn’t think you were together, or didn’t want to make you upset. The important part is he’s with someone else. I know when you’re in that situation you think maybe you can get him back because he didn’t actually say anything, but that’s worse than if he called you up to call it off.

  • He told you he might be around for you in the future. Either he’s being incredibly selfish or he’s just politely blowing you off without really saying what he really thinks. Either way, it’s not good for you.

  • You had a fight. This means that you were still interested, he didn’t want to say no, and he got mad when you kept bugging him when he wouldn’t come around. (Am I close?)

  • He said he might fall in love with you again. This just starts the dance all over again. Don’t think he’s doing it intentionally, but it probably won’t turn out good the next time. And if you haven’t had enough experience with this kind of thing before, you should know that he doesn’t like you anywhere near enough to make up for this. There is a very small chance that if you were together you’d be able to just “forget it ever happened.”

But I also believe there comes a time when you simply have to move on.

This is one of those times. With more experience you’ll move on the moment you hear a guy is dating someone else.

He’s also still dating his girlfriend - which makes me feel like I have no right to tell him that I was angry when I said the things I did and maybe could fall in love with him again if things changed.

Yep, that’s the dance. Just drop it–it’s not healthy.

And the fact that he’s still with his girlfriend while telling me this is a little bit troubling to me.

A little bit?! Ok I still remember what this kind of stuff was like. You might be the kind of person who has to get hurt enough before they get practical, but if you want the straight dope, just drop this guy. It’s a learning experience.

The best thing to do at this point is live your own life to the fullest and try to focus on what your goals are. This is just part of finding the right relationship. Couple more of these, and you’ll be able to see them coming from a mile away.


#11

[quote="copperblade, post:10, topic:233821"]
First of all, 1ke is right. I know it hurts, but this guy just doesn't feel the same way about you, or is too immature to be serious about anyone.

I could go into more detail about relationships, and how you're supposed to build up these kind of experiences before you get married, but I'll try to make it short. Let's look at the timeline:

  • You were "best friends" for a long time before a relationship. That tells me one or both of you wasn't really into the other "that way" or it wouldn't have taken so much convincing.

  • There is a five hour [driving] distance between you. That is nowhere near far enough to keep a guy from pursuing a relationship. If you can drive and be there on the same day, it ain't "long distance." If neither of you has a vehicle, then maybe I could see it differently.

  • You talked about marriage a couple of years in advance. I'm not sure where to come down on this one, but I think given you seem to be college age, I'm going to say this is irrelevant. I'm not sure why you thought it was important to start thinking about marriage when you knew you'd be five hours apart...

  • He started dating his old girlfriend and he didn't tell you about it. It really doesn't matter if he didn't tell you because he didn't think you were together, or didn't want to make you upset. The important part is he's with someone else. I know when you're in that situation you think maybe you can get him back because he didn't actually say anything, but that's worse than if he called you up to call it off.

  • He told you he might be around for you in the future. Either he's being incredibly selfish or he's just politely blowing you off without really saying what he really thinks. Either way, it's not good for you.

  • You had a fight. This means that you were still interested, he didn't want to say no, and he got mad when you kept bugging him when he wouldn't come around. (Am I close?)

  • He said he might fall in love with you again. This just starts the dance all over again. Don't think he's doing it intentionally, but it probably won't turn out good the next time. And if you haven't had enough experience with this kind of thing before, you should know that he doesn't like you anywhere near enough to make up for this. There is a very small chance that if you were together you'd be able to just "forget it ever happened."

This is one of those times. With more experience you'll move on the moment you hear a guy is dating someone else.

Yep, that's the dance. Just drop it--it's not healthy.

A little bit?! Ok I still remember what this kind of stuff was like. You might be the kind of person who has to get hurt enough before they get practical, but if you want the straight dope, just drop this guy. It's a learning experience.

The best thing to do at this point is live your own life to the fullest and try to focus on what your goals are. This is just part of finding the right relationship. Couple more of these, and you'll be able to see them coming from a mile away.

[/quote]

Good post!.


#12

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