I said I wouldn’t post until I had some good news, so here it is!
So, I went along with all of it. Did condoms- HATE THEM. I could write an entire booklet about how much I hate condoms, and my husband would write the intro. For a long time he refused to follow any method or support any method, so when I attempted it was all up to me. Eventually we devolved into using withdrawal and other illicit methods,which I hate almost as much as condoms.
Yep, he was being abusive and selfish, and the more we did things his way the less I wanted to have relations with him. But I needed some sort of peace, and couldn’t have it with him sulking and refusing to help with the house and kids. Eventually it degraded to the point where I left the house unsure if I was going to return or not. I did, but when I came back I was brutally honest. I have never been so harsh in my life, and I’m rather harsh anyways.
I let him know that sex was now an obligation similar to doing the dishes, that I had begun to fantasize about any other husband than him (like for helping out or being a friend) that I no longer trusted him and felt completely disrespected. I asked him if he’d like for me to go on the pill so he could get his orgasm and I could get strokes, cancer, possible miscarriages, bleeding issues, mood swings, weight swings, and the bonus of mortal sin. I told him I felt as used as a sex toy, and that there was a reason I wasn’t enjoying sex…lets just say I pretty much had an itemized list of how bad the sex really was. I didn’t yell, but I coldly told him we could continue as we were, and I could guarantee a divorce within 10 years or less, or he could change his behavior and rebuild my trust in him. I also told him I was almost looking forward to being celibate and I meant it.
Finally, he got it. Thank you for your prayers. He really thought about it, examined himself, and started rooting out that selfishness that was driving the abusive behavior. Wish we could say we have a therapist, but nope, still too poor. I won’t say every day since has been perfect, or that we dot get very annoyed with each other on abstaining days, but he has become a much better husband and lover. And no, its not a “honeymoon” period- I grew up in an abusive family and psychoanalyzed myself out of it. As soon as I smell a whiff of “the cycle of abuse” my fight or flight kicks in.
We got ourselves some instructors (I’m surprised I like Billings over Marquette) and I think it really helped being taught by a young couple like ourselves, from his culture. Global culture in general is not conducive to self restraint, but a lot of men from his area of the world have been taught that sex is a right and you may as well die without it. Similar to how American culture thinks that intercourse makes the man. So now we are following along on NFP with minor hiccups.
Still not easy, and I’m looking forward to when we can TTC or TTW, but its much better than where we were. Thank you guys so much for prayers and advice.