Someone Slow Me Down


She’s 20 years old, and I’m 24. I’m excited to have enjoyed a solid year with her, but she doesn’t think she’s ready for marriage. I can see it, because I can understand that she isn’t emotionally ready to get married, and neither is she spiritually ready. We’ve both graduated college, but only I’ve moved out yet. We’ve been chaste, mostly, and we’ve been progressively better about it as time goes on.

For my part, I’ve been overeager for the prospect — I worked with kids the first few years out of college, and I love the little devils, so I have no illusions — but to cool my heels I’ve been trying hard, still, to discern the right vocation God intends for me, married or otherwise. On top of this I’m a recent revert, as of the Feast of Christ the King, so zealous is pretty much how I handle matters of faith. I’m conscious of this shortcoming, so I’ve been able, for the most part, to compensate.

All it took, though, was the wedding reception yesterday and a blog post the day before and I’m feeling very put out and almost impatient. I know that in our particular situation that, whatever I feel, we shouldn’t get married for at least another two years, or engaged before she turns 21.

This is a confused situation; I’m not sure I’m stringing even two sentences together coherently. I would have some guidance. Thanks in advance.

  1. If you mean to spend the rest of your life with her, two more years won’t change that - when you’re 90, and she’s 86, neither of you will remember the wait, except to say that everything was worth it. :slight_smile:

  2. The two of you need to sit down at a time when neither of you has any kind of pressing deadline coming up, and spend an hour or more talking together about your hopes and dreams for the future. Find out what she wants - does she see herself the same way you see her? What expectations does she have of you that you might not be aware of? (ie: is she expecting you to be the sole bread-winner, or is she expecting that the two of you will share the cost of the day care while she goes out to work, and that you will hire someone to do the housework?


The amount of time together before marriage isn't as important as the quality of that time. As jmcrae pointed out when you're 90 you won't care how long you waited before getting married. ;)

Marriage as a sacrament requires more than just romantic lovey dovey feelings. It requires the understanding that both partners in the marriage should have the goal of leading their spouse and children that may come into the family (as we should all be open to the gift of life in marriage) to a closer and glorifying relationship with Christ. Can you see now in your relationship that both of you are seeking this type of relationship with Christ for each other?

Also if she says she isn't ready for marriage what are her concerns? Are they founded in concrete concerns and if so is the timeframe she has in mind something you can handle? There isn't necessarily a wrong or right age to get married, but if she does have founded concerns on getting married now it may require more patience on your part to wait for the right time. Think of it as practice as all of us have moments in life where God calls us to wait! :thumbsup:

I will keep both of you in my prayers that the two of you may discern together the vocation of marriage and God's timeframe for when you should enter into it. :gopray2:


Overeager for the prospect of what? She's 20, and doesn't feel ready for marriage. You agree. You don't think she is spiritually ready. What does that mean? You are ready to have children now. Is she? You say you are open to whatever vocation God calls you to, married or otherwise.

In the subject of the post you seem to recognize that you are moving too fast. Maybe you need to reorder things a little bit by channeling some of your zeal into discerning the vocation you are being called to. 'Otherwise' covers the possibility of uncharted territory.

One might believe there isn't much difference between two people ages 20 and 24, but when one has moved out of the parental home and worked in the world for a few years, there can be a considerable difference.

Feeling put out that she's not moving as fast as you seems, on the surface, to be immature and selfish. I'm sure you are sincere and care very much for her, so give her some time to grow more confident of whatever choices she makes.


[quote="PattiDay, post:4, topic:241134"]
Feeling put out that she's not moving as fast as you seems, on the surface, to be immature and selfish.


I agree.


So, have you now been slowed down?


My bf would marry me tomorrow. I’m the one saying wait.

St. Paul says that love is patient. The Song of Songs warns us to not stir or awaken love till it is ready.

As people, we fit very well together. We have much in common and we complement each other. We fit well into each other’s families and friends. We enjoy doing things together. Everyone in our lives say we are a good match.

We also have a few things to consider. One, he needs to finish school (a year behind me, I already finished). Two, I’m doing a year of service in a different part of the country (decided before we started dating), so I want to see how well we last. Three, we need to get on our feet. No, I don’t need a full retirement before I get married. I still think we need a place of our own (when married) and a stable income. Also, we need time to grow emotionally.

If he’s for real, he’ll be real in two years. I’d rather do it right the first time then realized I made a mistake after we made the commitment.

Also, working with kids is different than having them. When they’re not yours, you can give them back to their parents/guardians at the end of the day. When they’re yours, they’re there for life. In addition, regardless of how you split childcare, your wife is going to shoulder more of the work via pregnancy and (possible) breastfeeding. I’m not saying children ARE burdens, I’m saying that they are responsibilities. You are responsible AT LEAST until the kiddos turn 18. Even if they are “surprises”, you should absolutely be ready for them and ready to withstand potential storms. One BIG factor in not getting married yet is that I’m not ready for kids. Yes, NFP can be extremely effective (and I plan on using it), but, like any other method of spacing, isn’t infallible. Until both of you can handle that emotionally, you should NOT get married.


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