Married 20+ years. We married late. My wife was my first and only partner. My wife had a horrible upbringing (not her fault), one result of which is that she had many (-many-) partners prior to meeting me.
My wife is beautiful, wonderful, loving, and totally devoted to me. She has been faithful to me and I to her. I think of all her prior experiences as her 'wandering in the desert'. She had to live all the bad before she could recognize good -- she found it in God and says she saw it in me. She is a better person than I am now. She's a better Christian and a better Catholic. She's a better human being. She's dealt with it and moved on.
Early in our relationship, she sat me down and had the 'here is what you must know' conversation. It was very sad and very hard, hard, hard to hear. Drugs. Causual relationships. Abortions. She was honest, sad, and repentant. Always has been. I loved her. We married and have wonderful children and a wonderful life, almost.
Now 20+ years later, I have become nearly obsessed with her prior life. I've been seeing a psychologist for a year and have worked through a lot of the issues. But I CANNOT GET OVER the thoughts of her with others. It is killing me and going to kill the marriage. I have periods where I can't even look at her because it just hurts too much.
I've reached the point where I know only God can fix my problem. I now realize I really can't run my life; I need God to do that. I beg for forgiveness and beg to learn forgiveness.
How do I overcome the rage and hate? Anger at my wife for not waiting for me. Utter hatred at the men who were so abusive. Anger at the world. I feel I can't even confess the anger and hate, because I know that it will just continue.
I am just at a total loss. I beg God to fix me. So far my prayers are unanswered.