Someone to help explain this


#1

Reading over what I wrote in a different thread I got to see how angry I really am...

The gist of it all is I hate everyone on this entire planet save for my biological family. Even then I still harbor anger over my parents divorce and limp theist beliefs.

I feel like everything I do is a competition; that I'm competing against the whole world and I'm losing.There is nothing that I'm the best at; in fact quite honestly outside of school I feel like I'm the bottom tier of every action I ever do. It's easy for people to try to mellow me by saying "Take it easy, relax/don't be so harsh on yourself" it's easy for them to say that when their a hundred times better than me at something. And that's why I hate people better than me. As for those that have less than me, I hate them for their percevierence. Because I know that if I was that homeless man or whatever other analogy I'd have been dead years ago because I don't have what it takes to survive outside this comfortable existance I've been given.

IT'S LIKE BEING A GAIN OF SAND AT THE BOTTOM OF A GLASS CONTAINER!!!

The entire world is above you better than you, and if you dared to think about being outside your glass container you know you'd be dead.

Then for all these reasons above I hate theists and atheists; both the same arrogance just on different sides of the field.

Then finally there is God; who in all honestly by now I'm sure doesn't exist-that is the only reason why I'm finally just getting over eternal damnation and apparent boundless love, because it's all a lie.

I don't even know why I wrote this, I'm just another godless atheist now why would a catholic forum care for my well being? I just needed to vent because infinate times being worse than the rest of the world is leaving me in tears. The only reason I wouldn't just end my life is because of my family, the only place I never felt like I was in competition with them.

AND DEPRESSION PILLS / ANY KIND OF THERAPY IS NOT AN OPTION! I don't need to hear "get help" from you people better off skillfully or willfully.

This thread could get no replies for all I care, at least I could use it to have a personal breakdown without judgement...


#2

I feel for you and I will keep you in my prayers...really.

I have felt the same way myself on many occasions.

Do this- find one small act of sacrificial kindness to do for another person. (make sure it is a personal act, not one like donating to charity where you don't get to make contact with the other person) It will work wonders to lift your spirits. If it does, do another.

This will work even better if you do something for someone you are currently angry at. The angrier you are, the harder it will be, but it will have that much more power for having destroyed your anger.

By the way, kindness transcends religious boundaries. It is just fine to post here or anywhere else if you are in need of help. God is Love and love is love no matter what you call it. Anyone who fails to live that may have missed the point.


#3

Vent away! But "hate" is a powerful emotion. I'm not sure that many people have the energy or the consistency to stick with it indefinitely. So, you see, you already excel in terms of energy and consistency. A lot of people are lazy and vague. You already surpass them.

Since this is obviously a Catholic forum, you're probably going to hear a lot of folks here talk to you about God's love for each individual person. And no, it can't be explained by limited human intellect. Much smarter people than I have written libraries full of explanations, and it still can't be explained. If you are intellectually curious, which I suspect you may be, since you are doing so much observation and comparison, you might want to check some of them out, even if you feel like pitching them across the room after you read them.

Part of intellectual curiosity is open-mindedness. Closing one's mind to the possibility of anything is like a scientist refusing to perform an experiment because it may prove his pet theory wrong. What knowledge would remain undiscovered if all scientists did that?

You might want to take a look at people of faith; generally speaking, their lives have a sense of purpose and mission. Whatever the faults of their religions, these religions do give purpose and meaning to people throughout the ages. And maybe what you are really looking for is a sense of purpose and meaning in your life. So don't dismiss that notion. Keep an open mind.

I will offer this, though: You posted here. Whether or not you like the idea, there is something in you that stimulated you to do that. I doubt most atheists would give much of a ------ about what people on a Catholic forum would think about their thoughts or feelings. There is something in you that made you feel somehow that posting this here was a good idea. I call that the spark of the divine, whether you like that or not. I believe that the spark of the divine exists in all of us, every single one of us.

It is my sincere desire that something you see in this thread, maybe in this forum, and even on this entire board, offers you some food for thought, and gives you a sense of purpose in your life. And again, whether or not you like that, I am going to pray that that happens.


#4

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:1, topic:230597"]
Reading over what I wrote in a different thread I got to see how angry I really am...

[/quote]

What a marvelous insight to gain. One of the benefits from a forum like this. We can go back later, look at something we wrote and make an objective appraisal of it.

The gist of it all is I hate everyone on this entire planet save for my biological family. Even then I still harbor anger over my parents divorce and limp theist beliefs.

This is indeed sad....May God grant you the grace to see all the Good He has provided to you.

I feel like everything I do is a competition; that I'm competing against the whole world and I'm losing. There is nothing that I'm the best at; in fact quite honestly outside of school I feel like I'm the bottom tier of every action I ever do.

Why do you feel the need to compete and be "best at" something? Were you raised in a competative household/family?
Honestly I can relate to you in this. I've never been athletic, or quick in debate, or with a good "head for business". Others always seemed to be quicker, brighter, more athletic. The things that DID interest me (history and such) were not popular things and there was no internet to find "on-line" friends. Growing up I was not popular and it was difficult.

It's easy for people to try to mellow me by saying "Take it easy, relax/don't be so harsh on yourself" it's easy for them to say that when their a hundred times better than me at something. And that's why I hate people better than me. As for those that have less than me, I hate them for their percevierence. Because I know that if I was that homeless man or whatever other analogy I'd have been dead years ago because I don't have what it takes to survive outside this comfortable existance I've been given.

IT'S LIKE BEING A GAIN OF SAND AT THE BOTTOM OF A GLASS CONTAINER!!!

The entire world is above you better than you, and if you dared to think about being outside your glass container you know you'd be dead.

And yet so much of this is outlook...If I may be blunt...You have allowed you own anger to box you in until you have reached a point of "hating" everyone - even without meeting them. You hate me without knowing me. Why? This saddens me for I Love you without having ever met you.
Your prison is of your own making and the exit likewise lies within your grasp. It is your outlook.

Christ tells us that it is the least who will be the greatest in the Kingdom. St Therese of Liseaux, became a great Doctor of the Church by "becoming small" and teaching the "Little way of Love" where one does even small things with great Love.

So being "least" in the world is a great honor.
In our modern society it's easy to look at others, smart, successful, talented etc...and be envious, yet consider how much those people depend on the less talented the less rich, the less "successful" people who provide all the goods and services.

The little grains of sand at the bottom of the glass jar support all the grains that are above them.

Then for all these reasons above I hate theists and atheists; both the same arrogance just on different sides of the field.

Then finally there is God; who in all honestly by now I'm sure doesn't exist-that is the only reason why I'm finally just getting over eternal damnation and apparent boundless love, because it's all a lie.

Is boundless Love a Lie? Or is boundless hate the real Lie? You have chosen "boundless hate", has it made you happy?
....Can you be any more sure of your own conclusion than the teachings and conclusions of those who believe in and act on their belief in "boundless Love"?

I don't even know why I wrote this, I'm just another godless atheist now why would a catholic forum care for my well being? I just needed to vent because infinate times being worse than the rest of the world is leaving me in tears. The only reason I wouldn't just end my life is because of my family, the only place I never felt like I was in competition with them.

I believe you wrote this because you don't really want to believe these things. Because you DO wish to believe in boundless Love, in God and His infinite mercy, in Christ's sacrifice for our beneift.

You want to believe these things and you want us to help you.

You wrote it here because you know, or at least hope, that we, as Catholics, can be sympathetic to your plight. And we ARE!! In our prayers, our words, and our efforts to reach out to you across the miles, we seek only to help you come to know and Love God - Our Loving Father - as we do.

AND DEPRESSION PILLS / ANY KIND OF THERAPY IS NOT AN OPTION! I don't need to hear "get help" from you people better off skillfully or willfully.

This thread could get no replies for all I care, at least I could use it to have a personal breakdown without judgement...

It's sad that you are so "bound up" and in dispair that you feel no therapy is an option.

I would offer one piece of advice - not therapy. Go to a Catholic Church and sit before the tabernacle. Place all of you anger before the Lord. Cry your heart out as David did in some of the psalms. Challenge God....
Then sit...Quietly...and listen for God's voice....Listen not for hate which is the demon, but for Love...Listen not for dispair but for consolation...and when you hear that voice of Love of hope, cling to it. Nourish it and help it to grow. This might not happen the first time you go, but trust me it will happen....
Begin my Learning to Love yourself and who you are. Only from this can you learn to love others.

We are praying fro you. Go - now to the tabernacle....God Loves you and is waiting...

Peace
James


#5

All I can think is, if and when God really gets ahold of Flavius' heart...

(I think God is already working on him)

He could do some amazing things on behalf of Christianity/Catholicism.

Remember how Saint Paul was a determined killer of Christians before his Damascus road experience.

Flavius has very intense emotions including anger, which can be turned to doing good in the world. He is in no way lukewarm.


#6

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:1, topic:230597"]
IT'S LIKE BEING A GRAIN OF SAND AT THE BOTTOM OF A GLASS CONTAINER!!!

[/quote]

There is safety in being the last sand. You will be the last one to be poured out.

I do not see any help for you other than our prayers. You doubt everything and everyone. You have surrendered to the darkness of hate. It is easy to give up. We are all good at things and we are all bad at things. Living in the darkness allows only only the bad to be shown. You have to want to see the light - the the Devil would rather you not.

Good luck and God bless!


#7

You do not truly hate; you are very frustrated, which makes you think you hate all these people and situations. You are obviously a good person, you love your family, you are smart, articulate, and have a strong nature. You have been created the way you are for very particular and important reasons… No one else is more necessary to this world than you are! I actually admire you, because I don’t have a particularly strong, powerful nature. I’ve always been shy and have let people walk all over me too many times. You are blessed; you just haven’t found your way yet. You remind me a lot of my sister–I believe you will both do great things someday! But not everything happens at once. Life is often baby steps, and you know what? What you are going through right now, the way you feel, is one of those steps. You have not given up, which means you are growing.

I have been angry at God many times in my past. There is nothing shameful about that. God respects what you feel inside and can take it! Shout at Him if you must…tell Him how awful you feel and that you just can’t believe He exists. He feels your pain and won’t let go of you or leave you alone, ever.

Just never give up. You are meant for greatness.


#8

I first want to say that I really feel for you, and I’m praying for you.

It’s so important to remember that you’re not any less valuable than anyone else. I really don’t believe that everyone in the world is more talented than you, but even if that were true, that’s not a reason to think that you’re less valuable than them. You shouldn’t base your self-worth on how talented/skilled you are. If you do that, you’ll never be happy; there will always be someone out there who is better than you at something. Judging your worth based on your talent, your ability, what you can do, is a utilitarian form of thinking, and it will ultimately leave you disappointed.

Human beings are valuable based on the fact that they are human. They are made in the image of God. Every human being, no matter what they can or can’t do, no matter how talented or untalented they are, are inconceivably valuable.

The word talent, as it’s currently used, comes from Jesus’ Parable of the Talents (Matthew Chapter 25). Back in the old days, a talent was a unit of money. In the parable, a rich man gave his servants talents (amounts of money), expecting them to invest/ use the talents (money) to make more money and therefore benefit the master.

Likewise, God gives us abilities (or talents), and calls us to use those talents to serve Him and love others, just as the servants in the parable were to use the talents (money) to serve their master. That’s why people have talents. It’s not because they’re better than you, or more valuable than you, or more valuable than anyone else. They’ve been given these talents to serve God. If you have different talents than these other people, and aren’t as good at some things as they are, it’s because God wants you to serve him in a different way. Trust me, you have talent, it’s in there. Keep looking.

Remember, though, that the most important service you can render, greater than any talent, greater than any skill, is simply to love God. Even if you’re the most untalented person in the world (and I really don’t believe you are), you can love God. Loving God, and loving others, that is the most important thing in the world.

I would second the suggestion by one of the other posters to spend some time in front of the Tabernacle in a Catholic Church. You may already know this, but we Catholics believe that Jesus Christ is literally, truly present in the Eucharist. It’s literally Him, even though our eyes tell us it’s just bread (it’s not bread, it’s Jesus!) In any Catholic Church, there is a tabernacle (usually a big gold case/box on or around the main altar, in the front of the Church). And, the Eucharist is kept inside the tabernacle at all times (except for the time between Holy Thursday and the Easter Vigil Mass…other than that, to my knowledge, the Eucharist is always there). If you feel alone, go to Christ in the Eucharist. He’s literally inside of that Tabernacle, and he wants to be with you. Go tell Him what you’re feeling! Tell Him EVERYTHING! (If you can’t get to a Catholic Church, you can always pray to Him wherever you are, but there’s just something special about having God physically present a few feet in front of you!) There’s also Eucharistic Adoration, when the Eucharist is exposed, on the altar, so you can see Him. It’s a wonderful experience.

I hope this has helped. Feel free to PM me if you need any more help.


#9

I think you sound like a spoiled rotten brat. You need to immerse yourself in service to others...join the peace corps...and then come back and tell us how bad your life is.

Grow up


#10

I think you sound like a spoiled rotten brat. You need to immerse yourself in service to others...join the peace corps...and then come back and tell us how bad your life is.

Grow up

This is a very uncharitable and alienating thing to say. Let's encourage one another instead.


#11

[quote="Maureen1125, post:9, topic:230597"]
I think you sound like a spoiled rotten brat. You need to immerse yourself in service to others...join the peace corps...and then come back and tell us how bad your life is.

Grow up

[/quote]

It only takes one post like this to undo many charitable posts....
This person already "hates" the whole world....out of everything that everone has psoted here, which one do you think he will grab on to as "evidence" and support for his hatred...

Peace
James


#12

Thanks be to everyone that posted; it's really hard not to feel worthless and frustrated in this broken world...

I do desperately want to believe in God as He is proclaimed, but don't want to be looked at as a fool for worshiping him on something like faith alone. To have to base my morals around Him and then be silenced by atheists with nothing to gain other than to drag me down to their place of belief.

I want to believe that Humanity is good, but for every good example of a human being there are a thousand examples of horrid evil people, some condemned but most accepted by this filthy relativistic society.

I have my own pesonal problems to deal with and then added to that is the entire world crushing my shoulders, and their is no way to shut out the knowledge. I can't just stop knowing that every day thousands abort their fetuses and then go on with their lives like nothing happend, or that around the world billions are fornicating, that Catholics are becoming more limp wristed by the day and their is nothing stopping this trend.

I almost wish I was ignorant of all this, but then I remember that it would still happen with or without my knowledge. That is probably why I stay in this world-weary position, everything listed above is the true face of humans and the only thing I can do is watch it all happen in a dark corner...


#13

You are certainly good at something. God gives everyone talents. Maybe you need to find your talent/passion or talents/passions. Maybe it is drawing, maybe singing, maybe handiwork, maybe cooking, etc. Although there will always find someone better than you at it sooner or later, but it isn't really about beating other people rather than contributing to the community in your own unique way. Then helping people in this unique way will maybe help you start caring about others, too.


#14

I think you sound like a spoiled rotten brat. You need to immerse yourself in service to others...join the peace corps...and then come back and tell us how bad your life is.

Grow up

Honestly this is nothing I haven't heard before, of course worded nicer by cutting out the begining. I know I'm nothing of value to this society, at least not until I have some job so that Uncle Sam can feed of my income (which I'm willing to do).

I never tried to imply my life was bad, hell my parents probably went through the cleanest divorce in the US. That doesn't change how I've experienced the world; everyones civility is skin deep.

So yeah I'm all three a spoiled rotten brat; good job pointing it out!


#15

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:12, topic:230597"]
Thanks be to everyone that posted; it's really hard not to feel worthless and frustrated in this broken world...

[/quote]

Flavius - Thanks for stopping by and responding to what we have written.

Yes it is difficult not to be overwhelmed. The only thing keeping me going is:
a) God's strength, not mine.
b) The fact that I already have my misssion before me which is to care for my Alzheimer's diseased wife.

c) The Eucharist
d) The confidence I have that after my dear lady passes away, God will help me find uther ways to be of use to him - even though I am the lowliest and most worthless of servants.

I do desperately want to believe in God as He is proclaimed, but don't want to be looked at as a fool for worshiping him on something like faith alone. To have to base my morals around Him and then be silenced by atheists with nothing to gain other than to drag me down to their place of belief.

This strikes me as a core issue for you. Who cares what others think about how you base your faith? For me, I'd rather be a fool for God in the world's eyes than a fool for the world in God's eyes.

As for atheists, don't worry about their "silencing you"...It just gives you more time to pray for their conversion....

I want to believe that Humanity is good, but for every good example of a human being there are a thousand examples of horrid evil people, some condemned but most accepted by this filthy relativistic society.

Consider for a moment how many people you actually know and of those, how many do you know well....My guess is that it is nowhere near 100 let alone the "thousands" that are worrying you.

Scale down your view a bit and try not to take the whole world in one chunk. Just try to work on your own little portion of it.
Mother Theresa of Calcutta, was surrounded by the most destitute poverty imaginable, yet her response was to pick up one person, then one more and then another.....This little slip of a woman, about 5 foot nothin' tall and always thin, not considered anything special as a nun just started where she was and let God do the leading...We can all, to some extent, do the same.

I have my own pesonal problems to deal with and then added to that is the entire world crushing my shoulders, and their is no way to shut out the knowledge. I can't just stop knowing that every day thousands abort their fetuses and then go on with their lives like nothing happend, or that around the world billions are fornicating, that Catholics are becoming more limp wristed by the day and their is nothing stopping this trend.

I have to take issue with your last statement. Yes it is true that Catholics are not being as united, committed and forceful as we should be, but there ARE things stopping this trend. Our Lat two popes have made great strides in bringing order to the Church. There are wonderful groups that have come into being like Opus Dei. There is a new spirit of conservatism and growth in the Church...You can see it in places like Catholic answers forums and in parishes across the country/world...We have a long way to go but the Church is on the rebound...Come help.

I almost wish I was ignorant of all this, but then I remember that it would still happen with or without my knowledge. That is probably why I stay in this world-weary position, everything listed above is the true face of humans and the only thing I can do is watch it all happen in a dark corner...

Begin by sweeping out your corner....Great things can begin with something just that simple...
And don't forget to spend time before the Tabernacle and the Blessed Sacrament.

Peace
James


#16

Please don't take this like nothings going through, because I have been reading and it has been helping.

But does that mean that my existance is not only worthless, but negative? If I don't volunteer, if I don't bring God back into my life, if I don't 'join the peace corps'; then is all that's left is some animal that would be better off dead if I didn't have family that cared for me?


#17

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:16, topic:230597"]
Please don't take this like nothings going through, because I have been reading and it has been helping.

But does that mean that my existance is not only worthless, but negative? If I don't volunteer, if I don't bring God back into my life, if I don't 'join the peace corps'; then is all that's left is some animal that would be better off dead if I didn't have family that cared for me?

[/quote]

Now you are starting to ask questions that would better ban answered by soneone who knows you better than we can. A Trusted advisor, or counselor.

You came to us expressing how worthless you felt and all the hatred for the whole world and everyone in it....Blah Blah Blah....I think that there is already a lot of negativity at work.

But your existance is NOT negative - no existance is ever negative. Right now you have offered us the opportunity, and indeed teh challange to witness Christ to you and to offer charitable support and advice. So even in this God is both using you to help us and using us to (hopefully) help you.

Peace
James


#18

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:16, topic:230597"]
Please don't take this like nothings going through, because I have been reading and it has been helping.

But does that mean that my existance is not only worthless, but negative? If I don't volunteer, if I don't bring God back into my life, if I don't 'join the peace corps'; then is all that's left is some animal that would be better off dead if I didn't have family that cared for me?

[/quote]

No, definitely not! You do not have to do anything to be worth something. You have been made with immeasurable worth by a God who loves you so much He wanted you to be in this world. A place in His heart can only be filled by you. If you did nothing from this day forward and just merely existed, God could not love you any less. And He will not love you more if you start serving others every day.

Doing for others and living outside of yourself is a response to the love you receive from God. When you have trouble feeling this love, how do you have enough love to give away? You are broken and discouraged by the fallen world around you, which is totally understandable. You have taken a lot onto your shoulders that God probably doesn't want you to worry about at this time. He wants you to let Him love you and fill you up, so that you will receive the love and courage you can then share with others. I know; I've felt like that too, and I needed so much love and healing from God before I was able to be of much use at all.

Maybe you could just spend time alone with God and ask Him to help you know He's there...


#19

Hey Flavius_Aetius
Your post was awesome! I felt like you were writing directly out of my own heart and mind a few years ago! I too have hated all those around me including much of my own family! Prayers, I'm sure, will be most helpful in reality but they do not do much for encouraging you or helping you in your heart and mind when you are in that state of mind. So, as many of the posts have already said, I'll pray for you but I want to give you the best advice that I can to help you get past this so that you can move on to something more productive in your life. What I discovered in my own experience with burning hatred, depression and self pity as well as many, many others faults was that those are really not the problem that I was facing. And I can only suspect that it may be the same with you. I read once in an old pamphlet that I found in my father's things that the major sins in our life were described as a great fountain and we look down upon this fountain from above. What we see is only the fountain head foaming up in anger and lust and all those sins. But it is deceiving us and tricking us into thinking that our problem is in the anger or the lust or the depression[and indeed those are real problems but they, I have found in my own life, are not THE problem] Those sins get so much of the credit in our mind and that is the way the real, true culprit likes it; the true sin that we need to start seeing in our lives, the one that hides behind every other sin in the shadows and goes undiscovered, the thrust of the fountain that remains below the fountainhead and pushes all the others out to take all the blame in our lives is none other than our **PRIDE When I began to see in my every thought, word and deed my own pride seeking credit, attention, satisfaction, proof of my own rightness, my own goodness, applause, praise and rewards of every kind imaginable I began to understand how truly full of pride I am. That is when I began to see that my whole life was motivated by ungodliness and that by my actions I actually hated God. I being Catholic (in name not in life choices) said to God that If that piece of bread and that cup of wine is really Jesus as it is said to be then "help me to believe what is true!". I said that if the Sacraments are really what the Church says they are then "show me!". I said that if the 10 Commandments and the 12 fruits of the holy Spirit etc. are real ways to live and I don't know them by heart, then how could I possibly walk in them. I began praying hard for HUMILTY!, it is the most important virtue we need to defeat our pride. It acknowledges what is true[there is a God who loves us even in our sins; Jesus(God and man) came to save us from our sins; Our sins offend this God who loves; Jesus gave us one faith through one Baptism which incorporates us into the one Church which he himself gave us to pour out upon his wayward children his grace through the Sacraments; These Sacraments are real and they have awesome power to draw us out of the darkness of sin.] I suggest you think about asking forgiveness and turn to him. If you fall back keep getting up and keep turning to him, asking for him to forgive you. You can not out do his mercy, I know from my own falling back. But his forgiveness is effective in strengthening us to truly overcome our pride and all the others as well.
God bless you and your family and all those you have ever hated too!


#20

[quote="Flavius_Aetius, post:16, topic:230597"]
Please don't take this like nothings going through, because I have been reading and it has been helping.

But does that mean that my existance is not only worthless, but negative? If I don't volunteer, if I don't bring God back into my life, if I don't 'join the peace corps'; then is all that's left is some animal that would be better off dead if I didn't have family that cared for me?

[/quote]

Was the life of St. Paul worthless? Was his life before Jesus met him and changed him negative? Well, yes, but look at what happened after that! God can transform the worst of us into what He wants us to be. Paul killed Christians, and by all reports, he was very good at his job - maybe he even enjoyed his work. Then Jesus blinded him to the outside world but opened his eyes to his real self and to God.

I think you have a very black or white mindset. Either I am holy, or I am worthless. Either my family is religious and faithful, or they are completely lost and sinners forever. If all of us who aren't holy are worthless then God has made a lot of junk, and we know He doesn't make junk. The struggle we go through to be more like Jesus is worthwhile all on its own.

And God does love you more than you can even stand to think about. No matter what. Doubts, anger, hatred and all. He wants you to come to Him with a humble heart and He can then transform all of that into a tool He can use.

Are you listening to Him Flavius? Is He calling you to something that you are ignoring? Are you angry because that call just won't go away no matter what you do or say? Just wondering...


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