And I feel like an idiot.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I’m trying really hard but I can’t seem to find the answers that I need, nor the faith that I need for the answers that I can’t have. I’m tired. I thought if I was persistant then I would get somewhere but I haven’t. Yes, I’ve learned what kind of person I need to be. I have new personal standards and moral obligations but I don’t have that CONNECTION. I thought I used to… I mean, I might have but mostly it was just trying to hard to convince myself of a loving God and trying to find the right church. I’m never sure. I can’t find a connection with God. I know he loves unconditionally, i just don’t feel it. He’s probably there for me but I feel like he’s kind of left me to fend for myself when I need him most. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I prayed… read… fasted… I’m doing something wrong here. I’m probably praying wrong. I never did do that right anyways.
I’m just tired of trying to find answers… then whenever something feels right or makes sense, theres something to counter it and feels very wrong. Something feels wrong about the Catholic church that I can’t put my finger on. Maybe the councils… I don’t see how you can decide something doctrinal is right with votes. I don’t know. Something feels wrong with all the churches! I screwed everything up and I feel so stupid.
Oh man… I was the last one I thought would burn out on this. I thought this would help me with my discontent with myself and depression and all but it makes it worse. I hate feeling like everything I do is a sin! And I hate staying up all night worrying about whether I can ever get to heaven… what did I do wrong today?.. what am I forgetting?
Can’t I just take a break?