I put down my mom today. Initially when I said it it it was toungue in cheek and meant to be a tease. At the time I didn’t realise it was actually a put down. Now I feel really bad about it.
I went today to buy a new rosary because my cat broke my previous one while playing with it. when I am dealing with people I have anxieties because of the way I’ve been treated all my life. All of my life I’ve been around people who love to play stupid petty head games and tease you horribly while making it out to be a joke. And they always expect me to joke back in the exact same way with them or they get angry at me for being a limp sister. Even though I’ve tried and tried and tried to tell them how it makes me feel to be that way, they are completely incapable of understanding how their jokes makes me feel. In actuality, those are not jokes and they are not joking around, but it is being belittled to no end. They just wrap it up as jokes to justify their behavior.
i’ve tried telling them dozens of times how it makes me feel so I’ve just given up because they can not understand. So i’ve gotten to just saying nothing and they get really angry at me when I do that. So I feel like I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t. All this stuff does is go around in my head and drives me nutds because I can’t get away with it. Oh yes, and it’s always my fault that they have to treat me in this manner too.
Because of being that way all my life I often say things a split second before I actually think it. And I hate being this way. I am trying to change but it’s very difficult. And because of things being that way I always expect other people to start laying in to me. Most of the time they do.
But the other thing is too that my mom doesn’t approve of me being a Catholic. But she accepts it and as long as we don’t talk about it she’s fine with it. She tends to take things personally, even when I am not trying to be.
So I’m going to confess to this in the confessional this week that I put my mother down. I can’t tell her about it because she’ll get upset that I got a rosary let alone put her down. And so I can only express myself on this matter here.
Mom, I’m sorry for what I did.
This is more of a vent than anything else. I’ve been in a really poor mood lately.Thank you for eltting me vent.