Really long (Sorry-- I tend to write long posts )
I have a story that happened to me today that I would like to share with all of you. It involves a sin that was committed last year and remembered it today. I don’t want to go into details about this particular sin so my story may be somewhat confusing but I will try to keep it simple.
I was on the forums today reading when a particular form about sinning came up. Now normally I try to avoid these types of forums because I do suffer a little bit with scrupulosity and OCD. Well, my better judgment got the best of me and I opened the thread. It was about being a student and using their ID cards to get discounts on certain items. Then something popped into me head. I was still getting the student discount for one of my gym memberships even though I was no longer a student. (It gets automatically taken out of my account so I don’t send in a payment. I didn’t even think twice about it until today. Well I firmly resolved to amend the matter. I called my gym and got my student discount removed and moved up to the adult rate. I knew I did wrong and repented for it. Then the hum-dinger hit me. A bigger sin that happened last year during a big purchase hit me. I immediately had this huge dread set in me. It was like all of the grace that had been bestowed on me from today’s Mass was just ripped out of my body.
And then I started obsessing about it.
I was literally making myself sick over it. I have been trying so hard over the past two months to live the way of the Lord. I may not be perfect (is anyone??) but I can say that I am trying really hard. I don’t want to have God feel ashamed or be disappointed in me.
Now here is where the tricky part comes in. Like I said before, I suffer, just a little bit, from scrupulosity. Over the course of my return to church 2 months ago, I had meet privately with Father S and went to confession another 2 times to confesses the same forgotten sins that I committed in my past. I kept retelling again and again the same things. I told Father S that I was tired of having this overwhelming guilt inside of me and when could enough be enough. Just when I felt that I was happy with my spiritual life, it was almost like I was searching my brain for a forgotten sin. It was like I didn’t want to be happy. Does that make sense??? Father S said to quit living in the past and start living in the future. That I was abolished of all of my sins, even the ones that I have forgotten, and should I remember one in the future, to say an Act of Contrition and to give thanks to God.
So that is exactly what I did. I prayed and prayed (while sitting in Wal-Mart parking lot). I asked that God show me the way. To ‘inform’ me if I was actually still living in Sin or if I was ‘trying to bring myself down’.
All of a sudden if felt like the grace that I had been bestowed with came flowing back into my body. Like the Lord was standing next to me and ripped all of the negativity out and cast it down to hell.
I started thinking of the circumstances that led me to that particular sin, and, I am not saying what I did was right, but (without me revealing what I did, please, just trust me on this) I had good intentions behind it. Although afterward, my conscious was like it was on fire. I went back and told the person involved with the purchase what was going on and she stated that it is ok. I may have told a lie or (withheld the whole truth), but that even with these new facts I would still qualify for the purchase. (Sorry, I would like to make this a little more clear but I think that this story, the whole story, is best to be discussed only with Father S).
It is funny, but at the time, only associated with OCD, I almost felt like I was breaking the law, I was obsessed with it. Eating made me sick, my mood changed, I was depressed, all there is to it. Now, with my new spiritual sense, I feel like I am sinning. I still have the purchase and am making payments on it. That is why I still feel like I am sinning (again sorry, not much explanation).
So I guess my big question, with those who find themselves burdened with scrupulosity, when is enough enough for you. Even after Father S told me to leave the past in the past, to quit confessing prior sins, that I have been forgiven of all of my past sins, and should I remember any past sins that were not confessed, to say an Act of Contrition, I still felt the need to dwell over something that I did in the past, was very sorry that I did it at the time, basically repented for it, was told that I am not doing anything wrong, if fact am doing something good, but still can not leave it alone??? I considered skipping tonight Vigil Mass over this. And then I thought to myself, the Devil knows the life that I lived in the past and influenced me into committing sins. Know that I am back home where I belong in the Church, he will do anything to make me ashamed. The Devil WILL weaken me at times, this I know, but he can never defeat me if I choose free will and God.