Something that's been bugging me

This isn’t the prettiest thing I’ve ever talked about here, so please don’t kick me off the forum for bringing this up.

I’ve been wanting and trying to find my future spouse since very recently. I’m worried that I’ve lessened how special of a relationship it would be because of the fact that I’m not a virgin. I feel that I’ve already ruined a significant part of that relationship because I was stupid and could not control myself when I was younger.

I just converted and got baptized last Easter and all of this happened before my conversion, so I never confessed it. I’ll probably hear that what’s done is done, forget about it, move on, but virginity is something you obviously can’t take back once you let it go. To me, it’s like a past sin that won’t go away. My future wife might not care, but I care because I did something to scar the special relationship I would have someday.

Sorry for bringing this up here. Any advice?

Hi Andy!

Welcome home! Glad to have you in the Family!!

This may sound simplistic, but I was taught the KISS way and try to adhere to it.

I read your post and understand how you feel. It is good that you are repentant. However, your Baptism has erased all your sins! What gift! You do have the “Baptismal Grace”! Extremely few have it! Keep looking to the future and, with God’s grace, stay in the “straight and narrow” in order not to lose the Baptismal Grace. You are a very young man and you have a long life to keep on getting closer and closer to Our Lord. Pray. Pray all the time by offering everything you do up to Him. Stay in His presence as much as you can. Ask Our Blessed Mother and St. Joseph for help. Don’t forget to ask your Guardian Angel, who is always by your side, to help you. Yes, the Angels are here to help us! When you trip and do not fall, thank your Guardian Angel!

Do not underestimate God’s love for you! Accept His love and His forgiveness. Just do what Jesus said so many times: “Go and sin no more”. He never beat anyone up – other than the merchants in the temple! He is the Good Shepherd who goes after the lost sheep and then carries it over His shoulders!

If my future husband told me what you posted, I would at least ask him:

  1. If there are any children as a result (at a minimum child support must be provided),
  2. If, with God’s Grace, he was going to remain faithful to Our Lord,
  3. Was planning from now on to be faithful to me (as I to him) and remain faithful throughout our married life until death . . . ?
  4. If he was willing to be honest and honorable attorney, and say no to representing clients who opposed the Church’s teachings, e.g., abortionists.
    As to the past? I would tell him what a holy Priest said, “When the devil reminds you of your past, remind him of his future”! That is very wise.

Another thing: If the woman cannot accept that you converted and have changed your life around, then she is not worthy of you.

I hope this helps and will pray for you. Stay blessed; enjoy your closeness to Our Lord Who is crazy about you!

Take a look at your signature! :thumbsup: Read it. People are going to think all they want! What matters is going/getting to Heaven! :clapping:

It happened before you were baptized, it’s gone. Totally. I was baptized when I was 21. I never think about stuff I did before then because it’s all gone. I don’t think it should bother you and I seriously doubt any woman you marry in the future would really care, esp if you tell her it was before you were Christian etc.

Two things:

It is great that you value virginity BUT would you be forgiving if your future spouse told you that she was no longer a virgin? Hopefully you could offer the same forgiveness that you would want for yourself.

I will now paraphrase a poem my mother used to recite:

Matt Talbot was a drunkard
St Dismas was a thief
Magdalen a sinner
And Paul beyond belief

Each sits now in heaven
they all got in somehow
Each wears a broken halo
upon a battered brow.

So the sins of all you sinners
do not necessarily damn
For your wasness doesn’t matter
if your isness really am.

My question for you to ask yourself is IS your “isness” really AM?
In other words, are you able to let go of the past and live a chaste and true life NOW?

As written before in this thread: it is gone, that is one sin erased by the Grace of God.

So, what now? First you need to, or at least try to, understand that we all sin. That is why we have Confession. What you did is of course wrong, but you will not do it again I think, so don’t worry about that. And what about your future marriage someday? Does she really need to know? Honesty is always the best way, but in some cases it is wiser to keep mum. What someone don’t know will not hurt, yes? Your only problem is that if she ask you must tell the truth, but IMO only if she ask, and why would she? Maybe if she have the same problem. And if the worst happen, and she ask you, keep in mind that she love you enough to marry you so a mistake in the past will not change a thing, and if it do, don’t marry her. I know many will tell me what I am because of this answer and advice and they are most likely right, but I try to be realistic with life. We do sin, we are not perfect and love that will end in a confession about “have you ever…” is not love at all. (You don’t need to follow my advice.)

If you would know how much I have done your small flaw is nothing. All my life I have had, and have still, a very strong faith, never a doubt, not even in the darkest hours of my life so far, but I did lose my virginity (sounds stupid to call a boy/man “virgin”, in Finnish we have a special word for a boy/man who have had sex and lose the “virginity”, direct translation is “boyhood”) age fifteen and before I did marry there was many girls and women I had sex with and even if I knew it was a sin I have also always have faith in a God who love and forgive. But I am not totally rotten, I did stop having sex shortly after my divorce in 1994, and I was not a Catholic then, that happen first 2002. So your small mistake is not as bad as you think. People on forums like this, and this is the best forum I have been told, are not always as good Catholics as they like to let other members understand. To be a Catholic is a tricky thing, and sometimes pretty unfair, but as our Bishop did say, rewarding anyway in the end. So I would suggest that you continue to seek for a wife, and tell the truth is she ask, and if that will end your relationship/marriage it was far from real love. We all carry baggage at this age so…we must accept that we are not perfect, and it is enough, I hope, for God that we try to be, He will understand, and as in the song: “He say He understand and well done”, meaning that He know we sin, and if we repent it is OK. If this matter really bug you confess it, even though you don’t need to. God bless you and keep in mind that we all are sinners.

You can’t change the past. And the reality is that the person you meet and eventually marry might not be a virgin either, and have similar guilt feelings to your own. So you might have to forgive her just as much as she might have to forgive you. She may even have children.

Just take it as it comes. There’s nothing else you can do.

I think you might find your biggest battle is forgiving yourself.

You are newly clothed in Christ.
What should matter to your potential wife is what you are wearing now, not what you used to wear.

My only advice is that are always consequences from immoral acts. Just make sure that you do not have any children that you are not taking care of and that you have a clean bill of health, no STDs. After that do not discuss your sexual past with a potential partner until you get to the serious part of the relationship and when you do that do not get into the specifics, anyone that would ask for specifics might have a morbid curiosity that is not a solid base for a good relationship.

Let’s say you were married and had children and then your wife died. Are you saying you would not entertain the idea of marrying again because you were no longer a virgin.

My friend, I think that is a bit harsh. First, yes there might be consequences from a immoral act, but once it is forgiven it is forgiven. I understand that you have a very strong faith and blessed many times, but the OP do repent, and what the others have answered are very true. It really is not so unusual to not be a virgin these days, and even if a sexual act before marriage is a grave sin it is not so grave as it did use to be. It is maybe not right, but time do go on, and even The Church do adapt to what we now call “normal life”. And I don’t think the OP will repeat his sin, and even if he do, he sin against God, not you. Don’t be offended, but we are not to judge, even though we do. I did it a while back in one thread and it was right but I don’t feel good about it.

The OP did ask us for advice. We have given him advice as a Catholic do to a fellow Catholic. Let us leave it to that, shall we? I think he feel bad enough as it is. To ask a question here is always a gamble, and often it backfire, but this time I think we all got it right. Your advice was OK but harsh. However I don’t know you so I can’t say if that is your way and if so, it is very honest. We are all brothers and sisters in Christ, we all sin, and we all need to confess, and I think that is a important thing to bring in to this thread. Important because it remind us of what we are. We are not perfect, we strive to be, but we are not, maybe one day. We all sin, so we can hardly judge anyone, as Christ did say: “the one without a sin may cast the first stone”. We have all a past, some a cleaner some with a bit of dirt on it, like me, but that past make us what we are. We learn from every mistake, at least I hope we do, and that is why we fail, we fail because we must learn, and hopefully not do the same mistake again. So let us stop being harsh and grumpy, and let us all try to find what is the most important thing in Christianity, love and forgiveness, understanding and knowledge of our own faults and flaws we carry with us because we are not perfect.

Dear OP, I hope you will find a nice wife and that your life will be what you want it to be. The fact that you did ask what to do show that you are a good Christian and Catholic. Even if we don’t know you, it is still hard to ask a delicate question on a open forum so what you did really took some courage. God bless you and your life.

Did you even read my post? What is harsh and why? :rolleyes:

I don’t view Cristiano’s comments as harsh.

Bold mine.

What? Where have you been?! Yes. We are sinners. Each one of us sins. Yes we repent, go to Confession, and are forgiven. If killing a human being, committing adultery, etc., was a sin in the 1930’s, it is also a sin now.

I thought your advice was very practical.

To the OP,
There are practical matters to address, which Cristiano lays out quite succinctly. Beyond that, just realize that for truly contrite souls, it is always harder to forgive ourselves than for God to forgive us (He loves to forgive) or for other human beings to forgive us.

Trust in God’s mercy, and be merciful to your future wife someday. She may have her own past of which she feels ashamed. After all, we are all sinners, and we are all wounded by sin.

From what I have been told, marriages between non-virgins or between a virgin and non-virgin can be just as happy as marriages between virgins, even with regards to conjugal intimacy. Especially if we are talking about marriages in Christ (i.e. sacramental). And think of marriages involving a widow or a person whose first marriage was annulled. Those marriages can be very joyful, and there is no expectation of virginal status.

What is most important is living a life of chastity now, and cultivating that virtue for the love of God alone, and not fixating on what was lost. Pray that God will grant you the grace to be chaste in the here and now, and help you conduct a chaste courtship with a similarly-minded woman.

God bless!

There are many ways to say the same thing. Let us just leave it as that, shall we? What I thought was harsh was the part about STD, not every “fallen” woman have STD.

Moral has changed, at least in Europe. And yes, what was a sin in 1930 is still a sin, but not so grave maybe, that is just a observation of mine. Might be different in US though.

And just a small reminder, I don’t go against what The RCC teach, I love The Church because I love Christ.

What did upset me, if I may use that word, was that many did accuse the [poor] OP that already was well aware of what he had done. Maybe my vocation is to defend sinners on a web-site, don’t know, but I do not like it all when people are kicking one who already is down. He did ask for advice, and yes, he did get some very good ones, but his sin was forgiven before he did post, and that mean that nobody can accuse him anymore for what he have done. It was a sin and now it is forgiven.

First the person is a guy and then are you aware of the epidemic of STDs among young and old people in the USA? It looks like the ones with a low epidemic rate are the middle aged people. If you think that the truth is harsh then you should think how harsher is to spread preventable diseases to partners. This is not a topic that a mature adult should tip toe around, things can and must be discussed clearly.

Moral teachings of the Church have not changed since 1930, maybe the secular world keeps showing a much bigger lack of morality. In Germany brothels are common, does that mean that they are moral just because people are used to them? What was grave sin in 1930 is still grave sin in 2013, no change at all.

I know that moral teaching have not been altered, I am not stupid. What I mean is that we have a more “free” view on moral now.

And I did understand that the OP is a guy. I was just defending the woman who most likely did lead the OP to sin.

I think it is wrong to accuse someone who need advice. It really don’t help him, poor chap. He must have a hard time right now, accusing him self and been uncertain if he ever can marry because of his sin, which is BTW forgiven and forgotten. Why are you so hard? Empathy is needed in cases like this. But I am maybe just stupid and above all have a very childish faith, a picture of a loving and understanding God is what I see and hear.

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