Son and girlfriend caught home alone


#1

Hi everyone,
I hope this is the right place to post this.

My son, 18 was caught by my wife home alone with a girl of the same age. My son had his shirt and shoes off. They said they haven’t done it. The girl said she wouldn’t do it because the first time she had a bad experience.

I didn’t catch them, my wife(DW) did. DW told the girl to get on a birth control. DW’s take was that they were going to eventually do it and these kids are too young to have babies. DW made it clear that she is not condoning them having sex. But they if the continue this route they will be having sex. DW wants to follow the catholic teachings but she is also a health professional and she has seen many teen pregnancies.

My talk with son was basically not to put himself in a position such as being home alone with a girl. Temptation would be too great. Also said that having a baby at this point in his life would change all of his future plans.

Well that is the gist of it.

Need advice,
Al


#2

He is 18, living at home - you can have well understood house rules (no girls in the house alone).

Theology of the Body for Teens by Christopher West would be good for a study.

At 18, it is pray and pray and live your life as a model and be honest and loving with him.


#3

If he is living in your house it is right to set rules like not being alone in the house with a girl. He should obey you two and you should also tell him why this rule is in place.

Your wife should also not be telling the girl to get on birth control. That definitely has the possibility to lead someone to serious sin.


#4

Your wife has given bad advice. This is tacit approval of both contraception and having sex.

You need to talk to your son about the absolute nature of this moral teaching. Do not send the double message of “if you’re going to do it, then be safe…” It’s either right or wrong. If it’s wrong, then it’s always wrong and there are reasons that it is wrong that can be articulated to an 18 year old. Start with why contraception is wrong.

You and your wife need to get on the same page on this, and your wife needs to do some reflecting on why she is not embracing, teaching, and espousing Church teaching 100% in all situations. It undermines her credibility from a moral standpoint.


#5

Your wife may be a health professional and because of that sees more kids that have consequences of premarital sex… but she was not correct in telling the gf to get on bc. I have 3 kids that are 21, 18 and 16… I talk with them often and openly about morals and choices, and thankfully, they all report their virginity in tact. The oldest joined a group his senior year of HS where all the kids were committed to chaste relationships. The other 2 look up to their big brother so much and he tells them that they need to wait until marriage… maybe I am just well… blest… but I think it has alot to do with communication and expectations that they are communicated to the children. (And a pinch of peer pressure from big brother thrown in :wink: )


#6

I second all the suggestions you’ve been given.

You and your wife need to keep this in mind:

Are you more afraid of your son and his girlfriend getting pregnant or sinning?

Telling them to go on birth control conveys the message that you are more concerned about a pregnancy than what is right.


#7

He’s 18.

If he thinks he man enough to have sex, then he’s man enough to move out.

He is an adult going against your wishes in your home. Sounds like he has other issues than just wanting some sex.

The girl has already attempted or completed sexual intercourse per your paraphrasing of her response to your wife. She is either already on ABC or isn’t using it for whatever reason.

Tell your son if he wants to continue living with you, he has to

  1. get tested immediately as his partner had prior sexual contact
  2. follow your wishes in your home no matter what at all times
  3. do some activity, such as research artificial birth control or sexually transmitted diseases, and do an oral presentation for you on all the facts

This will make sure he is fully aware of his actions and make him completely responsible for them, should he continue to partake in risky behaviour.


#8

I love this answer!!!


#9

On the birth control you just flipped the green light on my friend really really really bad advice.

The number one STD among teens is DEPRESSION. FOLLOWED BY LACK OF SELF ESTEEM.


#10

Yup.

Imagine, if your wife caught your son shooting up drugs and her reaction was “I am a health professional and will get you clean needles, since you are just going to do it anyway”.


#11

I believe that it is time for you and DW to reflect on your call to marriage and what that means to you in your life. For some reason, to me, it seems as if the two of you are not on the same page with this issue. How do each of you feel about contraception? If you both see no problems with it then approaching your son about that will be a difficult thing to do.

Secondly, what gives your wife any right to tell your son’s girlfriend what to do and what not to do. In this case she has given her some very bad advice, advice that is (as it was mentioned) against the teachings of the Church and advice that could affect her future, spiritually, emotionally and even physically. It does not seem that it was her place to tell her what she has to do. Again, as Fr. Corapi said, “it is not charity to condone someone in their sin.”

Using the excuse that they are just going to eventually have sex, best be protected is a statement that undermines and devalues your son’s worth as a human being. You are saying that he has no will power and no control over his own body. Sure he will eventually have sex, when he is married.

I agree that it is now time for you and your wife to teach your son what the Church teaches about sex. However, you both need to be on the same page about this and approach it together.

Christopher West (as was suggested) is a great place to start. Also, I would recommend www.pureloveclub.com and any talks by Jason and Crystalina Evert. They can be downloaded for free from that website.

If you and DW need a place to start, scroll to the bottom of this link catholicaudio.blogspot.com/search/label/Contraception and listen to the talk by Dr. Janet Smith “Contraception: Why Not?”


#12

Yes, we are not on the same page. If I say it is wrong for him to have premarrital sex, DW will say, “yeah, like that is going to stop him”.

Seems like society today in movies, TV, and social settings take it as normal to have premarrital sexual relationships.

I am not only not on the same page with DW, I am not on the same page has the secular world.


#13

Sounds to me like it is time to start reading the same book my friend.

Speaking of reading books, check out “The Good News About Sex and Marriage” by Christopher West. Both of you read it. It will be difficult to counsel your son if he is getting conflicting answers from his parents.

Go with God, not society.


#14

I would think your wife would be more concerned about STDs. 1 of 4 girls ages 14-19 have an STD. news.aol.com/health/story/ar/_a/1-in-4-teen-girls-in-us-has-an-std/20080311124309990002
That’s 25% percent of all teenage girls(part of the other 75% aren’t even sexually active, imagine how high the stats are if it was only a poll of the sexually active teens).
HIV (among other incurable STDs) is a very real thing. I guarantee there are kids in your son’s school that have it.
But more importantly he should know the facts of God’s teaching on sexuality. Jason Evert’s stuff is a great start.


#15

Christopher W has a CD set on fighting impurity for men. Get it and listen to it with him and have a discussion about it.


#16

You can’t tell people two contradictory things:

  1. Don’t have sex yet. The implication being, you can control yourself, you can control those desires and we expect you to control those desires.

  2. Go ahead and go on birth control, because you’ll end up having sex anyway.

Does your wife not understand how young people rise (or fall) to others’ expectations? The implication in telling a young person, “go ahead and get on birth control, just in case” is that having premarital sex is inevitable. The deeper implication is that we are just animals, and cannot control those impulses. That is wrong. We are given willpower and the ability to control desires.

When I was engaged to my husband–who, by the way, was a virgin at age 29, so premarital sex is NOT a foregone conclusion for young men!–we abstained from having sex. A friend of mine who was living with her fiance couldn’t understand this: “How do you NOT?”

Well…I asked her, “How do you not jump in front of a moving car? How do you not drink and drive? How do you not seek out illegal drugs?” I knew that having premarital sex was wrong, for many reasons. It was dangerous to my soul, to my fiance’s soul, and to our relationship. We are wired to avoid danger as well as seek it out, if we just listen to that still small voice.


#17

She has also told my son and the young lady about condoms.

DW is trying to be practical and does not consider it realistic to conform to the church. I have my work cut out for me it seems. Don’t really think I can get her to read a book, so I will have to verbally work with her.

I have the book “Good News about Sex and Marriage”


#18

My brother in Christ, my prayers are with you as this may be an uphill battle. I pray that the Lord opens her heart to what you have to say.

It is not realistic to push someone to sin either. This is not about being “practical” this is about God’s image stamped in us as male and female and his desire for us and our sexuality.

I wish that there was more that I could say or do for you.


#19

Maybe they would listen to a CD?shop.catholic.com/cgi-local/SoftCart.exe/online-store/scstore/c-Chastity_-_Books_and_Tapes.html?L+scstore+wdsj2828ff75a175+1241524166


#20

Well, yes, you do have your work cut out for you.

Right now your DW is basically saying “do as I say, not as I do” and then not even giving the right verbal message. If she does not believe in Church teaching, your son will know that.

How have you handled this for the last 18 years? Surely this didn’t just crop up yesterday. Have you never been on the same page regarding Church teaching? Is she a Catholic?

Does SHE contracept? If so, this takes the problem to an entirely new level. Your son will follow the example set by his parents. If it’s not a good one, welll… all the talking in the world won’t help.


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