Son getting married


#1

My son called me yesterday to say he was bringing a girl to meet me this weekend. They met online and have known eachother for about five months. He is 30, she is 26. She sounds great, except she seems to be in some kind of a hurry to get married! They live in two different cities and she says she does not want to be apart anymore. She is willing to get married by a justice of the peace and move in, putting off the Catholic wedding. What's the hurry? I sense she is putting pressure on him. Should I address this when I meet her this weekend? My son said he has told her he prefers to wait and get married by the Church. Need some advice--don't want to start relationship with future DIL on bad footing.


#2

There should be no hurry. Wait and get married the right way. She's old enough to know that.


#3

[quote="Appealing_Woman, post:1, topic:203828"]
My son called me yesterday to say he was bringing a girl to meet me this weekend. They met online and have known eachother for about five months. He is 30, she is 26. She sounds great, except she seems to be in some kind of a hurry to get married! They live in two different cities and she says she does not want to be apart anymore. She is willing to get married by a justice of the peace and move in, putting off the Catholic wedding. What's the hurry? I sense she is putting pressure on him. Should I address this when I meet her this weekend? My son said he has told her he prefers to wait and get married by the Church. Need some advice--don't want to start relationship with future DIL on bad footing.

[/quote]

I would question on why the hurry? Is she escaping a situation where she lives (bad ex, family issues)? Or does she need the health insurance? I had a friend do this, they married by JOP first then Catholic wedding a few months later because if he was married he'd get more pay (he was in the Air Force). You are right to think there is a reason for this. Also, your son marrying under pressure, not freely entering, will cause question of the validity of the marriage.

What can you do practically? Ask questions about herself, her childhood, her relationship with her family, her dreams and goals, etc. You'll get a better assessment about where she's coming from without seeming hostile.


#4

Maybe she is just a little clingy and insecure and wants to tie down your son before someone else can come and take him? I would have a talk with her and your son. Try to find out what the true motives are here. Until you find it out yourself it is only speculation on what she wants. It could be as innocent as wanting a marriage fast or something more sinister such as money or benefits. I would communicate with your son to not lead this girl on. If he is giving her mixed messages this could spur her on to push for marriage fast. It could be a case of doubt on her part about your son. She might want a marriage to cure doubts she has. Who knows? The point is to get to the bottom of it by sitting down with her or talking on the phone and trying to figure out her motives.


#5

At five months the honeymoon period of first starting to date each other isn't even over yet, the only reasons I can think of to skip the catholic marriage and get married by a JP are legal reasons, such as been able to legally take all your sons money.

Whatever her reasons she is clearly not a good Catholic girl and I would not want her anywhere near my family.


#6

[quote="Advocatus_Fidei, post:5, topic:203828"]
At five months the honeymoon period of first starting to date each other isn't even over yet, the only reasons I can think of to skip the catholic marriage and get married by a JP are legal reasons, such as been able to legally take all your sons money.
**
Whatever her reasons she is clearly not a good Catholic girl and I would not want her anywhere near my family**.

[/quote]

There are MANY reasons for wanting to get married sooner. I think at 26 and 30 someone can much more easily decide what they want. In five months? That's a little soon. But MANY women know they want to marry a guy as soon as they see him. Some are lucky enough to do just that.

What about if she's saying "no sex before marriage" and darling son hears "we have to get married NOW!" Similarly she may be putting other well meaning stipulations on the relationship and again, the son is hearing that he must marry her.


#7

I smell a little bit of a rat here.

Like a used car salesman telling a potential customer that he’d better hurry up and buy that car before someone else gets it!

She evidently has no clue what the Sacrament of Matrimony is all about. And unless she learns, the whole venture is doomed to fail, and wreck the life of your son, and maybe grandchildren somewhere down the line.

He may be too lovestruck to listen, though. I would try. It’s much easier to see the battle from the mountain top than down in the trenches where he is. And it’s much easier to be objective if you’re not directly involved in the relationship (yet).


#8

[quote="purplesunshine, post:6, topic:203828"]
There are MANY reasons for wanting to get married sooner. I think at 26 and 30 someone can much more easily decide what they want. In five months? That's a little soon. But MANY women know they want to marry a guy as soon as they see him. Some are lucky enough to do just that.

What about if she's saying "no sex before marriage" and darling son hears "we have to get married NOW!" Similarly she may be putting other well meaning stipulations on the relationship and again, the son is hearing that he must marry her.

[/quote]

I quote the OP "She is willing to get married by a justice of the peace and move in"

A good Catholic girl would not consider living with man who is not her husband let alone push for it.


#9

Thank you all so much for your responses. They have given me a lot to think about. Please pray for me as I sit down and talk to them this weekend. God bless.


#10

[quote="Appealing_Woman, post:1, topic:203828"]
My son called me yesterday to say he was bringing a girl to meet me this weekend. They met online and have known eachother for about five months. He is 30, she is 26. She sounds great, except she seems to be in some kind of a hurry to get married! They live in two different cities and she says she does not want to be apart anymore. She is willing to get married by a justice of the peace and move in, putting off the Catholic wedding. What's the hurry? I sense she is putting pressure on him. Should I address this when I meet her this weekend? My son said he has told her he prefers to wait and get married by the Church. Need some advice--don't want to start relationship with future DIL on bad footing.

[/quote]

From my own personal experience with a similar situation, I can definitely say that waiting is always a better choice!! My DH and I met and married within 9 mths, outside of the church.....its amazing how much you think you know about someone, until you actually get down to the really important, huge decisions. Its going to be really hard to communicate that to you DIL, especially since you've never met her. I would suggest talking seriously with your son about this alone.

As a DIL, having a MIL talk about that kind of stuff can be awkward and feels like she is putting her nose where it doesn't belong.....on the other hand, they are both adults and should be given the benefit of the doubt that they have already thouroughly discussed all of the major issues. I was only 23 when I got married, while it has been no picnic, after five years we are finally getting our marriage convalidated this summer. Good luck!!!


#11

OK, I honestly did not start learning about that Sacrament until I started wedding prep which I personally think we should teach kids this in Confirmation class so parents have less threads like these - but that is another thread.

Here is my 2 cents - you probably won't get anywhere if you try talking about delaying marriage - but maybe trying to teach about the importance of Sacrament would be an excellent place to start. This is just an idea as you come across as wanting what is best for them and teaching but not cramming a decision down their throat or being the nightmare mother in law. ;) I am younger - 31 and I have made a lot of cnversion in my past so it could just be she does not have an understanding maybe through understanding you can even build her in her faith and bring her to God.

Here is a video she may relate to better than it coming straight from you and it is short:

youtube.com/watch?v=6uCB0j2J5ms

It is a bit dry but it is the best that I could find in the library without leaving you hanging much longer. God's peace to you - feel free to PM me if you need any more resources.


#12

How far apart do they live?

Will she have to give up her job, pull up all her roots, ect, in order to move closer to your son?

In otherwords, how much of a sacrifice does she have to make in order to be closer to him?

If she has a lot to lose in order to live where he is, then she may be wanting to rush into a JOP marriage because she's afraid she'll give up everything in order to be with him and then he'll change his mind, leaving her high and dry in a city where she doesn't have a job or know anyone.

I have a friend who moved across the country to be with a man she'd met online, who seemed like such a "nice guy" and had that exact thing happen to her: He said he wanted to marry her, but traveling back and forth was too expensive, so one of them would have to move for them to continue dating "in person". He had the higher paying job of the two of them, so she quit her job, moved cross country, moved in with his parents until she could find a job and place of her own, and then he decided after she did all of that, that he wasn't ready for a serious relationship, broke up with her and his parents told her she had until the end of the week to move out. She didn't know anyone in the area, and it took the last of her savings to move herself and all her things back home, and almost a YEAR for her to get back on her feet again (new job, new apartment, etc). I doubt she'll ever move across the country for another man again, no matter how nice he seems, so, you know, lesson learned and all that--but what a harsh way to learn it! He, on the other hand, ended the relationship without really being scathed at all.

Of course, I'm not saying your son would do any of that, but if she knows anyone who's had that or something similar happen to them, she may be flying off the handle out of pure fear of such a situation, and your son agreeing to a JOP marriage may make her feel safer that he's not going to pull something like that on her. Sort of a: "If I make the sacrifice of moving, etc, then I want some sort of legal means to keep you from just up and changing your mind" type thing. Obviously not the best idea, but fear can sometimes cause people to not think very clearly.

Since I don't know the exact circumstaqnces, I'm only offering a possible reason why she's feeling such a desperate need to rush things. If this is the case in their situation, perhaps your son can offer to help pay for a decent portion of her expenses to relocate closer to him? Then maybe she won't feel as though she's the one who's making all the sacrifices, and that he's putting forth some investment into their relationship without being forced into a premature JOP marriage.

Oh, I just wanted to add that the people mentioned above weren't Catholic--and that as far as whether or not she understands the difference between a JOP marriage and the Sacrament of Marriage wouldn't necessarily make her a "bad Catholic"--just a poorly misinformed one. (I agree with the above poster that there should be better information regarding the Catholic perspective of marriage prior to Confirmation! It's sad when someone like me--who's barely out of RCIA--has to explain these things to some of the cradle Catholics I know. :o) Maybe explaining it to your son and his girl would help matters. But try not to be too overbearing or give the impression you don't want them to marry--just that you want them to marry IN THE CHURCH. :)


#13

[quote="purplesunshine, post:6, topic:203828"]
There are MANY reasons for wanting to get married sooner. I think at 26 and 30 someone can much more easily decide what they want. In five months? That's a little soon. But MANY women know they want to marry a guy as soon as they see him. Some are lucky enough to do just that.

What about if she's saying "no sex before marriage" and darling son hears "we have to get married NOW!" Similarly she may be putting other well meaning stipulations on the relationship and again, the son is hearing that he must marry her.

[/quote]

I was one of the lucky ones. Knew on the first date I was going to marry my husband and we were engaged in five months. But we didn't get married for another year and half due to planning the wedding in the Catholic Church and hubby's military commitments. Its not unheard of though to know that you have met your future spouse in a timeline that would make most run for the hills.

I would say since you have yet to meet the girl, take this weekend to get to know her, observe your son and the girlfriend together. Have a somewhat open mind before you decide to have a sit down, deep conversation talk. Even if the bells and red flags go off for you immediately, if you learn about her background and a bit about her personality, when it is time to address the issues you may have, you can approach them in a manner they might be more receptive to. If you already have red flags going off in your head, you may miss the opporunity to reach them so they really listen to any advice you may have about the road they are thinking about going down together, the one being married outside the Church.


#14

Joan of Arc, Newhope and Patrice, Thank you so much for your advice. It made me slow down and think about how to handle this. I will be observant, questioning and educating them during the weekend. She could very well have a good heart, but be totally uncatechized about the faith. According to my son, her parents are Catholic and regular churchgoers. Perhaps I can give them some literature to read--would that be appropriate on the first meeting?


#15

[quote="Appealing_Woman, post:14, topic:203828"]
Joan of Arc, Newhope and Patrice, Thank you so much for your advice. It made me slow down and think about how to handle this. I will be observant, questioning and educating them during the weekend. She could very well have a good heart, but be totally uncatechized about the faith. According to my son, her parents are Catholic and regular churchgoers. Perhaps I can give them some literature to read--would that be appropriate on the first meeting?

[/quote]

Try sking yur son first.


#16

[quote="Appealing_Woman, post:14, topic:203828"]
Joan of Arc, Newhope and Patrice, Thank you so much for your advice. It made me slow down and think about how to handle this. I will be observant, questioning and educating them during the weekend. She could very well have a good heart, but be totally uncatechized about the faith. According to my son, her parents are Catholic and regular churchgoers. Perhaps I can give them some literature to read--would that be appropriate on the first meeting?

[/quote]

I'd pray to the Holy Spirit for the right time and for the right words. That has never failed me.


#17

Of course maybe asking her about her own faith and upbringing in it to find common talking points might help - common saints, etc.


closed #18

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