Son's Girlfriend Bad Influence


#1

branch from this thread forums.catholic.com/showthread.php?p=6203831


#2

I’m a guy a few years older than your son. I can tell you that if you think that his relationship with this girl is truly the root of these problems (drinking, pot use, having sex), then you should step in and tell him that he has to end his relationship with her. He is not living up to the standards that you set as a parent, and as a parent you have the right and moral obligation to see to it that your son is set on the correct path.

I would also caution that she is probably not the only negative influence in his life, and that he will continually encounter negative influences like this throughout the rest of his life. You need to prepare him to deal with peer pressure. You should not expect perfection, but you should expect a strong moral compass.
Just my :twocents:


#3

My husband and I have tried to get him to stop seeing her and he has threatened to leave for good if we keep pushing. He has always been such a good kid, struggles a bit with ADD in school but we never medicated him not wanting to change him, and has been strong in his faith. I think because of the sex, and the fact that she's his first, she has such a strong hold on him. I'm thinking of re-evaluating medication for the ADD because of the impulsive decisions that he's making. They truly are so contrary to who he was just months ago and other than praying and hoping God will intervene, I don't know what to do. I don't want him to run away or get lost in despair, yet as a parent, I feel an obligation to try to save him from himself and help him find a way back to God.


#4

Have you considered counseling or any similar options? It sounds like your son’s faith may be slipping–though only he can really know that. I would sit him down, and calmly discuss how this is contrary to yours, his, and God’s standards for him. If it results in a shouting match, threats, etc. nothing good will come of it.


#5

I'd also caution that it is unlikely that his ADD has much to do with his decisions. You are correct in saying that because she is his first there is likely a strong attachment.

Have you considered asking him to go to confession?


#6

He has gone to confession at bible study but I'm not sure if that's been since he has had sex. He has developed a friendship of sorts with the youth formation director who runs the bible study. I talked to him yesterday and he is going to meet with my son this weekend. He is aware of some of the issues that my son is dealing with but wasn't aware of the sex. He is now more concerned that my son is straying too far and wants to help. Confession again is a good idea. He is an usher at church and facing the priest that he has gotten to know and bearing his soul, could be a wake up call.


#7

*No advice, just prayers for your son and family. :gopray: Also praying for his gf who sounds very lost. *


#8

[quote="smos, post:6, topic:184143"]
He has gone to confession at bible study but I'm not sure if that's been since he has had sex. He has developed a friendship of sorts with the youth formation director who runs the bible study. I talked to him yesterday and he is going to meet with my son this weekend. He is aware of some of the issues that my son is dealing with but wasn't aware of the sex. He is now more concerned that my son is straying too far and wants to help. Confession again is a good idea. He is an usher at church and facing the priest that he has gotten to know and bearing his soul, could be a wake up call.

[/quote]

Glad to hear that he will be talking with someone about this. Like whatevergirl, I'll keep him and his gf in my prayers!


#9

Musicality and whatevergirl:
I am so grateful to have found this website. The advice and prayers from both of you have given me hope in strength in this very trying time. Thank you and god bless!


#10

similar situation, 16 yr old son dating 16yr old girl she comes from divorced parents and she goes from home to home and her father is more strict than mom. Mom is more lenient. we have allowed the dating, she spends time with our family he sometimes goes to her house, ( i am scared of him to go to mom's house) the father doesn't allow him over there at his house. My son's grades were falling and then he used relatives phone without asking and called her for an hour and he now has accumulated phone charges. we would never have found out if 10 yr sis had not told us. he was on restriction for one week no phone no computer he paid back phone charges. while on restrictions he has brought up his grades and his attitude had gotten better. while restrictions the girlfriend let him use her phone and she would use her stepmom's phone I caught him with the phone and i called the dad and he was not aware of anything. I let the father know that he was on restrictions father said he would take care of it I have since then told my son that she will not disrespect us and break our rules here at home, we told him she is no longer allowed at our house, So frustrated don't know what to do. I love my son but it is one thing that he breaks our rules but to let her break our rules.....please help


#11

[quote="mczapa, post:10, topic:184143"]
similar situation, 16 yr old son dating 16yr old girl she comes from divorced parents and she goes from home to home and her father is more strict than mom. Mom is more lenient. we have allowed the dating, she spends time with our family he sometimes goes to her house, ( i am scared of him to go to mom's house) the father doesn't allow him over there at his house. My son's grades were falling and then he used relatives phone without asking and called her for an hour and he now has accumulated phone charges. we would never have found out if 10 yr sis had not told us. he was on restriction for one week no phone no computer he paid back phone charges. while on restrictions he has brought up his grades and his attitude had gotten better. while restrictions the girlfriend let him use her phone and she would use her stepmom's phone I caught him with the phone and i called the dad and he was not aware of anything. I let the father know that he was on restrictions father said he would take care of it I have since then told my son that she will not disrespect us and break our rules here at home, we told him she is no longer allowed at our house, So frustrated don't know what to do. I love my son but it is one thing that he breaks our rules but to let her break our rules.....please help

[/quote]

*Too many parents do nothing these days, and let their kids run the household. They are ''afraid'' to step in, and to tell them not to date someone who is a bad influence. I feel you have done the best thing for your son. She is affecting his life in an adverse way. And I do feel sad for her, she clearly has some issues at play, but your son is 16...and is slipping...and doing things he had never done until this girl came into the picture. I think that until they both can prove that they respect you, then they can't see each other. I remember when I was dating a ''bad boy'' back in high school, and I started acting in ways I hadn't...grades slipping...my sister (she raised me) nipped it very quickly, and told me the guy wasn't permitted in our house, until he/we showed respect for my house's rules, and my family. It's tough to parent sometimes...but, he's only 16....he needs to get his priorities back in check. It's tough though! I will be praying for your family through this. Stay strong, love gently.

PS--Some may feel that keeping two teens apart is only asking for them to rebel. No, you need to stand your ground. But, it could help to talk with her too...my soft side would say do this and see what happens. But, if the disregard of your rules continue, then it's best that they stay apart for a while. I am praying for her too...she sounds like she hasn't had it easy at home. :(*


#12

It is hard to believe that even after parents describe to their kids the difference between the secular, sex hyped, do what feels good, everything's wonderful world that is what we live amongst today and the way God wants us to live, they can choose that life full of empty promises. Does it just look so good, is it that tempting, that our kids abandon what they have been taught in pursuit of it? Do they think that we aren't telling them the truth? Or is the excitement worth the risk? Or do they think there is time to play around now and settle down later?

I'm going to say that way back when, when I was a teen, I figured out for myself (okay my mother did tell me basically that sex was for marriage) that since it was hard to break up with someone without being intimate, how terrible it would be if we were intimate. That was enough to keep me chaste - to guard my heart.

But now we have Theology of the Body, and Coleen Mast, and Jason Evert and Romance without Regret and better explanations of why sex is reserved for marriage. Heck, we even have medical proof that being intimate forms biological attachment to that person!

So shouldn't it be easier now? Somewhat?

I am sorry you and your son are going through this. I don't even have any advice - I assume you know all about the people above - just prayers.


#13

[quote="whatevergirl, post:11, topic:184143"]
*Too many parents do nothing these days, and let their kids run the household. They are ''afraid'' to step in, and to tell them not to date someone who is a bad influence. I feel you have done the best thing for your son. She is affecting his life in an adverse way. And I do feel sad for her, she clearly has some issues at play, but your son is 16...and is slipping...and doing things he had never done until this girl came into the picture. I think that until they both can prove that they respect you, then they can't see each other. I remember when I was dating a ''bad boy'' back in high school, and I started acting in ways I hadn't...grades slipping...my sister (she raised me) nipped it very quickly, and told me the guy wasn't permitted in our house, until he/we showed respect for my house's rules, and my family. It's tough to parent sometimes...but, he's only 16....he needs to get his priorities back in check. It's tough though! I will be praying for your family through this. Stay strong, love gently.

PS--Some may feel that keeping two teens apart is only asking for them to rebel. No, you need to stand your ground. But, it could help to talk with her too...my soft side would say do this and see what happens. But, if the disregard of your rules continue, then it's best that they stay apart for a while. I am praying for her too...she sounds like she hasn't had it easy at home. :(*

[/quote]


#14

[quote="whatevergirl, post:11, topic:184143"]
*Too many parents do nothing these days, and let their kids run the household. They are ''afraid'' to step in, and to tell them not to date someone who is a bad influence. I feel you have done the best thing for your son. She is affecting his life in an adverse way. And I do feel sad for her, she clearly has some issues at play, but your son is 16...and is slipping...and doing things he had never done until this girl came into the picture. I think that until they both can prove that they respect you, then they can't see each other. I remember when I was dating a ''bad boy'' back in high school, and I started acting in ways I hadn't...grades slipping...my sister (she raised me) nipped it very quickly, and told me the guy wasn't permitted in our house, until he/we showed respect for my house's rules, and my family. It's tough to parent sometimes...but, he's only 16....he needs to get his priorities back in check. It's tough though! I will be praying for your family through this. Stay strong, love gently.

PS--Some may feel that keeping two teens apart is only asking for them to rebel. No, you need to stand your ground. But, it could help to talk with her too...my soft side would say do this and see what happens. But, if the disregard of your rules continue, then it's best that they stay apart for a while. I am praying for her too...she sounds like she hasn't had it easy at home. :(*

[/quote]

I couldn't agree more that there are so many parents out there today that are either afraid to take a stand on things with their kids, are too busy with their own lives, or both. I know many who will use the excuse that they "pick their battles" with their kids,sometimes even allowing their kids to do things that are illegal just to avoid confrontation and find a middle ground. I know in dealing with my son, I like having his friends at our home so I at least know what they're doing and that they are being supervised.


#15

well thing have gotten worse i am at my wit's end. i recently lost my mother and had a very emotional talk with my son and i told him that that i don't want him to feel bad when i die, because once you do or say something it can be taken back. i told him than since i lost my mom, his grandma i regret and feel bad for all the sadness i caused her. I was referrring to all the stuff that has been going on with his girlfriend. He basically told me that he didn't need for me to worry about him my feelings are hurt. i am a very involved mom, might even say nosy but i don't want him to make mistakes that i did, anyway i read a text from his buddy being concerned for my son and his girlfriend having sex. we have had the "talk" with our son and he did tell us that he and his girlfriend only came close to having sex in the band hall, i was livid. he is an honor student and in pre ap and ap classes. i had no choice but to call the mother of the girlfriend and to no avail she said she believed her daughter and that nothing happened. I let the mother know that if she knew how many babies are born on got close. she let me know that she just can't wait for her daughter to graduate. i am so disappointed in my son he is not thinking what if they would have got caught. anyway i have not been talking much to my son, i don't want to talk about her or get into an argument.with him i used to do everything for him so now i am not washing his clothes,i feel if he doesn't need me he can start doing his own laundry etc. i am at wits end any advice would help


#16

well we had another talk with our son and he let it be known that he loves his dad more than me, he said that his girlfriend made him aware of that. I am hurt but we will use this to our advantage. he said that he wishes i was not in the picture, but my husband and i told him that is not going to happen. i have done everything for my son, i love him and maybe suffocated him with too much affection, because i didn't get much when i was growing up. I am very strong willed and opinionated so i am willing to step back and become the asst coach and not the coach of this game. My children are the most important thing to me and my husband. I am in between a rock and a hard place, my son was upset because i have not been myself with him, i have been a little distant, but i can't win for losing. so i will leave it in god's hands and pray. my husband works 3 days and 3 days off, and those 3 days that he works, he is busy. so my son will have to work around that. sometimes you have to be careful what you wish for. i have to give my son breathing room and i know that he will criticize me for treating him different, i will then have to explain to him this is what he wants, my son says he wants to be like it used to be and we let him know well that means dissolving the relationship, of course he didn't want to hear that but his dad told him you know what the right decision is but my son wants his cake and eat it too, well i will not allow my husband to be manipulated. we will make no decision about our family without discussing if before. i am tired arguing but i love my family.


#17

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