Son's girlfriend


#1

Hi,

Newbie here. I am a Catholic married mother of three. My question concerns my oldest son who is 20 years old and a great Catholic young man. He met a girl this summer that he says is his future wife. The problem is distance. She lives several hundred miles away. We have met her once and she seems to be a great young lady. My son wants her to come visit over their Christmas break (they are both in college) and asked if she could stay with us. I am on the fence about this. My husband is adamantly saying no in consideration that this would be an “occasion of sin”. I can see that point but I also want to be hospitable and welcoming to my son’s girlfriend. It is causing major turmoil in my family. I want to be united with my husband but my son senses that I am not in total agreement with him. I’d appreciate any responses or insight any of you may have for me. Thank you, Kimberly


#2

I stayed overnight with my husband’s family several times while we were dating in college. We had separate rooms, of course.

I would think that having this young lady in your home would offer no more of a near occasion of sin for your son than the two of them already experience while they are away at college.


#3

My husband and I stayed at each other’s homes while we were dating in college. I stayed in their guest room and my brother gave up his room. It was a great way to become close with each other’s families. He has more freedom at college than he does at home - I’d agree with the above poster that college would present more of a temptation than being at home under your supervision!


#4

It doesn’t seem like an obvious occasion of sin, as long as they take separate rooms, and are seen to do so by any younger siblings.

However, if your husband is dead against it, it would probably be better to follow his spiritual leadership of the family, than to have your son use your uncertainty to undermine your husband’s firm conviction.


#5

As long as they stay in separate bedrooms, I find it perfectly acceptable to invite her to stay at the house during Christmas time, and refusing to allow this could be very damaging for your relationship with your son. If this girl truly matters to him and you trust your son, then any obstacle you use to prevent her from visiting is going to truly hurt him.


#6

When my now husband and I were in college I came to his parents home for a few days during Christmas vacation. We stayed in separate bedrooms. It was the first time I met his parents. If you’ve only met her once, what a wonderful way to get to know the young lady who may end up being your future daughter in law.


#7

My ‘now’ husband, when he would come to visit my family, he stayed in a separate guest room. No problems at all. I think that it shouldn’t be a problem. But, if your husband is adamant on it, then defer to his judgement…And if that is the final answer (no), your son needs to accept that, and get his gf a hotel room. Hope it works out. :slight_smile:


#8

Your son is 20 and lives away from home. I bet if he wants to have sex with his girlfriend, he will do it away at school, not in his parents house where he might get caught.

And honestly, by this point in time, he is old enough that this is his responsibility. Is he worried about it being a near occasion for sin? You say he is a good Catholic young man. Do you have doubts about that?

I suppose the other option would be that she stay in a hotel. That would, however, be a much better place for sex if that is their goal.


#9

It was too late to edit my original post so I’ll just repost it.

When my now husband and I were in college I came to his parents home for a few days during Christmas vacation. We stayed in separate bedrooms. It was the first time I met his parents. If you’ve only met her once, what a wonderful way to get to know the young lady who may end up being your future daughter in law.

Edited:
Well, I wasn’t going to say anything originally, but maybe I will…
Not only would it be a great way for you to get to know your future daughter in law, but it may very well be an eye opener for her to see what kind of in-laws she may be getting herself into.
20 years old, away at college, a legal adult… I’m all for respecting the rules of your parents home when you are in their home, and I wouldn’t agree with the son wanting to shack up with his girlfriend in your house. but if you’re not even willing to let her be in the guest room, there may be some real control issues going on here, and she may take it as a real warning of what her future may hold.


#10

It doesn’t seem like a near occasion of sin to me at all.

But, if your husband feels strongly, then offer to pay for a nearby hotel for the girl so that she can come visit.


#11

I am all for respecting the convictions of spouse’s, but by forcing her to stay in a hotel creates two issues: it gives the impression that her entire visit is unwanted (not just about staying in the same house overnight), and assuming your son does the gentlemanly thing and drives her to the hotel at night, then the two of them are alone with a hotel room.

I’m not saying that things certainly will happen, nor are they likely to, I was simply trying to make the point that maybe you should try reasoning with your spouse–find out his specific reasons for objecting and then try to compromise


#12

Aren’t you worried that your husband’s stance may be inadvertantly sending a message that you don’t trust him? And yes, the perhaps future daughter-in-law may also get a bad message. While temptation may be great, God is even greater. Talk to your husband, pray about it.


#13

*Would our responses be the same if the OP had a daughter, and her bf were coming to stay? Would we expect him to get a hotel room? I ask, because I remember a thread not too long ago, that asked that very question…the gist was that the daughter wanted her bf to spend the night because he had too far to drive home – and the overwhelming responses were, to make him drive home. :o A few said it would be ok if he spent the night, but many on here suggested he should drive home…OH YEAH…and drive right back in the morning, because they were going on a trip the next day.

Makes ya kinda wonder. :whistle: I see nothing wrong with either gender spending the night, however. I was not in the overwhelming majority in that last thread. lol :p*


#14

Before we were married, my husband spent a few days at Christmas with me and my family. My mother made it very clear that there would be seperate bedreooms and we were very ok with that. A few months later we visited his family where we had seperate beds in the same bedroom. We were MUCH more uncomfortable staying with them! Let her come and stay with you, and let them know the house rules. I’m sure they will respect you and your home and everyone will have a great time getting aquainted. :christmastree1:


#15

Unmarried and have had several boyfriends. In one instance, I did spend the night as his family’s lake house with him, his mother and father, and several of his cousins. We ladies slept on the covered porch, while the guys slept upstairs in the attic level rooms they use for overnight visits. Likewise, when I was younger, my boyfriends would sometimes spend the night, with me and a female chaperone (my best friend would come over those nights) sleeping in my room, and the boy sleeping in the living room, right outside my parents’ door. No complications. Maybe I’m a prude, but I’d recommend sleeping the ladies separate from the gentlemen, not just have them have separate rooms. This way, there’s a chaperone, and no chance of the near occasion of sin.


#16

My son’s girlfriend comes to stay at our house several times a year. He sleeps in his room and she sleeps in my daughters room. We are here to act as chaperons. As a good Catholic man my son respects our faith and teachings and wouldn’t do anything to disrespect us or our home. I bet your son is the same.


#17

We always allowed it and our Children always respected our rule that they stayed in seperate rooms-even after we had went to bed!


#18

Concerning the post about the other post concerning a daughter and her boyfriend, I think it is very relevant in the sense that it shouldn’t be different for sons and daughters–trust is trust. Also, unless the ‘significant other’ lives extremely close, then staying over (in separate rooms) shouldn’t matter. My girlfriend lives at her parents’, which is 45 minutes away. Many times, when I go up on a Friday night for a date (or spending time with her family), I have always been welcomed to the guest room. In fact, her father has begun referring to it as ‘my room’!


#19

Yes, I agree. There seems to be different sets of opinions when these threads pop up though…when it’s the bf spending the night, and not a girl. Just something I’ve noticed. :whistle: :stuck_out_tongue:


#20

The circumstances were a little different because of the distances involved. However, in both cases I think it would be acceptable as long as separate rooms were involved. Heck, I might even employ the method in the Mel Gibson movie “The Patriot” where the gentleman was sewed into a bag.


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