For the past 4 months or so I have been feeling very apathetic toward my relationship with Christ and His Church. It has been slowly getting worse since I have not received the sacrament of reconciliation in about 2 months, and I definitely need to. I know I need to pray to regain the vigor I feel like I once had, but it’s almost as if I feel like it is useless (edit: maybe hopeless is a better word?). I don’t want anyone to get the impression that I actually think prayer is “useless”, but I can’t help but feel that way sometimes. To me, it seems similar to knowing that sin is spiritual suicide, but we all do it anyway.
I feel especially guilty because I am a member of the leadership team of my university’s Catholic Student Association, as well as the weekly bible study leader. I have also been something of a spiritual guide / confidant to a younger Catholic friend. I feel like I am able to say all of the right things regarding faith, but I am not living them as I should. This is a very discouraging feeling to experience again, as in my first years of college I considered myself an atheist, but still performed the lip service to please my family. Although, the strange part is that I am a theist and believe that the Catholic Church is the only true church. I love to read, and often authors like Peter Kreeft rejuvenate me, but I haven’t been lucky enough to have that feeling lately. I feel like my life is devoid of Grace. I am reading a book reflecting on the Beatitudes which has helped, but not enough.
Hopefully I didn’t ramble too much. I was just looking for some advice or wisdom to help me out. Prayers would help too, as I have been lacking in that area myself.