Hi everyone, I really need help with a problem I am having. I would like to start off by giving some history of my current situation and what it is that I am trying to accomplish.
When I was about 17, I started being really active in church, going to healing mass and attended some youth retreats, going to mass every sunday, all this thanks to my wife; at the time girlfriend. I felt this spirtual pureness, and I honestly felt clothed in it. I don’t know if any of you have ever felt this, but this is how I felt before. I was happy and felt a very close relationship with God. I read the bible daily, prayed and fasted alot. I felt different and happy. Then I lost that pureness, I did a really stupid mistake that cost me what I had gained. I’d rather not talk about what happened. Lets just say that I have confessed my sin. Even though I commited this sin, I really didnt fall away from the faith. But my life was different, I felt empty inside, even though I attended prayer group, read the bible, and attended mass. I got married and this feeling didnt change. I felt that something was missing within me. I was living in Los Angeles at the time, and I was on fire for the faith. I was reading alot and getting to study the faith. I really got hooked on apologetics. I was growing alot, but that emptyness was still there. My wife and I came back to Arizona, and things just got worse, with my relationship with God and with my marriage. We stopped attending mass and attending any type of church group. This went on for almost 5 years.
Now my marriage is in shambles. My wife has filed for divorce, because of the way that I started to treat her when we came to Arizona. I neglected her, I was really selfish, and didnt meet her needs. I would put her down alot, and didnt give her the support she needed with herself and the kids. I fell in to depression, and thought about ending my life lots of times because of what was happening in my life. During the last 5 years, I have had a skiddish relationship with God. In the difficult times, I would look for Him to help, then I would stop looking for Him. Now I am determined to stay and remain loyal to Him. It’s been a month that I have started going to mass every Sunday, I pray the rosary everyday and read the bible. I have followed the lenten requirements, but the emptyness is still there. I long to feel that pureness, that joy and wholeness I felt when I was younger. Even though that my relationship with God has changed and I am having a better relationship with Him, I still feel this. I try not to pay too much attention to it because I want my main focus to be Him in my life, to do what He wants me to do. I dont let depression get a hold of me, because I am hopefull that things may change with God and my wife. I know that He can work wonders, and I am ready to face whatever shows up in my life because I have the Lord. I have gone to confession, fasted, taken communion, but what am I missing? How can i feel whole again?