I can feel the symptoms of another spiritual depression coming on, and instead of wallowing in my own misery, I wanted to post on here [please forgive me for posting so much] and explain how I’m feeling, and see if there’s anyone who feels the same way and/or has any advice they can offer me.
Ever since I became a reborn Christian on November 22, 2007, at the age of fifteen, I’ve endured much spiritual suffering, much more than I ever thought was normal. The Bible speaks of having joy, peace and hope, yet most of the time I find myself wallowing in despair, self-condemnation, self-loathing and terror of Purgatory and Hell. The Bible speaks of trusting in God, yet most of the time I find myself despising my own worthlessness and tendencies to lukewarmness and failure. This doesn’t feel like suffering sent to make me a better, holier person—it feels like suffering that I put myself through because I’m simply not good enough for Heaven, or for anything at all.
I apologize if I’ve said this all before. It’s just a recurring theme in my times of depression, and I don’t know how I can get over this. I’m afraid that I’m sinning by doubting God’s mercy—in fact, I probably am—but it just kills me inside when I think of how unforgivable and worthless I feel most of the time. I find myself constantly doubting that God could ever love someone like me, and then hate myself for not trusting Him more. I constantly fall into sin and shame and imperfection, and whenever I try to start a new beginning, I fall once more and can’t find the energy to get up again. I have many scars that haven’t yet been healed from my past darkness, and I don’t know how I can move forward in my spiritual life until I find some kind of healing. I am an extreme perfectionist, with a past of terrible mortal sins, and a present of constant failure and depression. I just don’t know how I can know the joy, hope and peace I’m supposed to, and how I can learn to trust in God’s mercy instead of despising my own … worthlessness. I feel worthless constantly, like I’m choking in my own skin. Maybe it’s because of all the things I read online about how God hated me when I was struggling with homosexuality a couple years ago—I used to have feelings for girls, and I read so much about God despising my worthless, disgusting soul that their words have become a part of me, even now that I no longer struggle with homosexuality. I know that God doesn’t hate anyone, but I feel as if I’m that exception. I feel as if all the weight of the world’s sins are on my back because I’m committing them all somehow. It makes no sense to any of you, probably, yet to my twisted, depressed mind and soul it makes perfect sense. I dream of becoming a Saint, not for the glory, but to please God. I feel that I have to perform constantly to make Him happy. Yet no good deed, no kind word, is ever enough, because it could never make up for my many sins and all the things that make me worthless, useless and a failure.
Please help me? x