SPLIT: Effects of annulment on families


#1

[edited] for what it’s worth, I will post a reply as the child of an annulled marriage. The church will tell you it has zero effect [edited]. How dare they. Sure, I’m “legally” legitimate. BUT, my father publicly declared that his marriage to my mother was never 'real". That means that the loving family I grew up in never existed. What am I to trust after that? It was devastating to me and to my sisters-- and we were young adults. No one who is not themselves the child of an annulled marriage can confidently say that there will be no psychological effects. Of course there will be. Or, there certainly may be. Because of his actions, my father is going to die with the new family that he created, the one sanctioned by the church-- and entirely without the one that he wrote off by getting an annulment. A marriage and family that had lasted 33 years by the way. He was told by his priest that it was no big deal, that it would have no consequences. He should have asked us. It isn’t that easy. The divorce itself caused little trauma in our family. One can be made to understand that people grow and change-- that you love someone but can no longer live with them. To take an additional step of belittling the importance of the first marriage is what is cruel. I wish the church would call annulment what it is, “Divorce PLUS” or “super divorce” or something. That some here (responding to your query) can treat it so casually shows the danger in men who have never had families or children presuming to give advice on such matters.


#2

aaa


#3

[quote="KathyMAllen, post:1, topic:314993"]
for what it's worth, I will post a reply as the child of an annulled marriage.

[/quote]

For what it's worth, so am I.

Although, really, it is not an "annulled" marriage, it is a marriage that has been determined to be null. It was always null. The Church simply affirmed that fact.

[quote="KathyMAllen, post:1, topic:314993"]

The church will tell you it has zero effect. How dare they.

[/quote]

I don't believe the Church actually makes such a claim.

But, I will tell you that it has had zero effect on me.

[quote="KathyMAllen, post:1, topic:314993"]

BUT, my father publicly declared that his marriage to my mother was never 'real". That means that the loving family I grew up in never existed.

[/quote]

I don't think you have an accurate understanding of what a decree of nullity is and isn't.

Clearly this is an emotional issue for you and you have a lot of anger towards your father. That is understandable when a family goes through a break down, regardless of whether it is a divorce, a decree of nullity, or simply separation. Children are always hurt by upheaval in their lives.

[quote="KathyMAllen, post:1, topic:314993"]

What am I to trust after that? It was devastating to me and to my sisters-- and we were young adults. No one who is not themselves the child of an annulled marriage can confidently say that there will be no psychological effects. Of course there will be. Or, there certainly may be. Because of his actions, my father is going to die with the new family that he created, the one sanctioned by the church-- and entirely without the one that he wrote off by getting an annulment. A marriage and family that had lasted 33 years by the way.

[/quote]

If your father "wrote off" you and your siblings, that is indeed tragic. It is, however, completely unrelated to the facts of whether or not his marriage to your mother was a valid marriage.

If you are having psychological trauma, then I would encourage you to receive counseling.

[quote="KathyMAllen, post:1, topic:314993"]

He was told by his priest that it was no big deal, that it would have no consequences. He should have asked us. It isn't that easy. The divorce itself caused little trauma in our family. One can be made to understand that people grow and change-- that you love someone but can no longer live with them. To take an additional step of belittling the importance of the first marriage is what is cruel.

[/quote]

So, the divorce did not cause trauma but the finding of facts surrounding the validity of the marriage did.

Now this seems to be taking on a different tone. Mostly based on what I think is a complete and total lack of understanding of nullity.

[quote="KathyMAllen, post:1, topic:314993"]

I wish the church would call annulment what it is, "Divorce PLUS" or "super divorce" or something.

[/quote]

The Church cannot call it what it is not.

[quote="KathyMAllen, post:1, topic:314993"]

That some here (responding to your query) can treat it so casually shows the danger in men who have never had families or children presuming to give advice on such matters.

[/quote]

I hope you will get some help for you obvious bitterness and anger. Please get counseling.


#4

[quote="KathyMAllen, post:1, topic:314993"]
[edited] for what it's worth, I will post a reply as the child of an annulled marriage. The church will tell you it has zero effect [edited]. How dare they. Sure, I'm "legally" legitimate. BUT, my father publicly declared that his marriage to my mother was never 'real". That means that the loving family I grew up in never existed. What am I to trust after that? It was devastating to me and to my sisters-- and we were young adults. No one who is not themselves the child of an annulled marriage can confidently say that there will be no psychological effects. Of course there will be. Or, there certainly may be. Because of his actions, my father is going to die with the new family that he created, the one sanctioned by the church-- and entirely without the one that he wrote off by getting an annulment. A marriage and family that had lasted 33 years by the way. He was told by his priest that it was no big deal, that it would have no consequences. He should have asked us. It isn't that easy. The divorce itself caused little trauma in our family. One can be made to understand that people grow and change-- that you love someone but can no longer live with them. To take an additional step of belittling the importance of the first marriage is what is cruel. I wish the church would call annulment what it is, "Divorce PLUS" or "super divorce" or something. That some here (responding to your query) can treat it so casually shows the danger in men who have never had families or children presuming to give advice on such matters.

[/quote]

I'm going to echo 1ke's advice. I think you need counseling and education, not because I think you're crazy or stupid (you certainly aren't), but because for whatever reason, you have NOT received or not accepted correct information and are allowing incorrect information to overwhelm you. God bless.


#5

My comments as an annulled father.

My ex-wife left me and soon remarried to the man she had left me for.

Some eight years later I initiated the annulment of my marriage and was successful. I did not have any particular plans of marrying at the time, and have not. However, I wanted to keep my options open. I also just wanted some sense of truth about the past and liberation from a marriage which was clearly at odds with reality.

My eldest child was quite distressed when the annulment came through, and she said that she felt that the last part of her original family had been taken from her. It didn't seem to effect the other two very much.

However, she (the eldest) was the one of the three who was most supportive of her mother, and her remarriage, and the new "family". I felt that she somehow thought it was good for mum to liberate herself from Catholicism and have her own life, while I was tied to my vows.

Just to complete the story, me ex-wife's second marriage lasted 12 years, before she moved on again.


#6

I'm not crazy. My parents were married for 33 years. We had a loving, happy family. For anyone to think the church can declare that "null" and there won't be any psychological impact on the children who were raised in that church is insane. And, as for the wrong information. How do you know I've gotten wrong information? I hope that no one is naive enough to think that the church does not grant annulments of convenience. I'm done and you all can carry on in your world where the church does no wrong. Anyway, the first thread concerned a father who was concerned for his children. My only point is that he was right to be concerned. And, any advice that it's no big deal is misguided. My father lost his daughters. He apparently didn't see it coming because his priest told him that the annulment would not impact his family. He should have asked us. That's my only point. Peace out.


#7

I feel for ya, Kathy. My father, who was Catholic, married my Methodist mom outside of the Catholic Church. So, the Catholic Church considered the marriage invalid. I had Catholic relatives who reminded me frequently of that fact, and that they considered me illegitimate regardless of my legal status. My older brother has a chip on his shoulder about it to this day. Funny, though, we were told when Mom and Dad had a convalidation (or, "finally got married") that out status magically changed ex post facto, and that we were all legitimate.

I think we Americans have a hard time with the ex post facto aspect of a declaration of nullity, that it goes against our legal and cultural principles. But Catholicism is not necessarily American.


#8

[quote="KathyMAllen, post:6, topic:314993"]
I'm not crazy.And I never said you were My parents were married for 33 years. We had a loving, happy family. For anyone to think the church can declare that "null" and there won't be any psychological impact on the children who were raised in that church is insane. The Church does NOT say there will be no psychological impact, neither does it say the MARRIAGE was null as if it 'never happened.And, as for the wrong information. How do you know I've gotten wrong information? Because I was married for 20 years, raised three children, and I actually went through a decree of nullity myself.I hope that no one is naive enough to think that the church does not grant annulments of convenience. I hope no one is naive enough to accept that statement as truthful, but rather as an opinion of yours.I'm done and you all can carry on in your world where the church does no wrong.The Church does NOT do wrong; people in the church may. And nobody ever said that an annulment might be granted incorrectly (though the idea that they could somehow be 'bought' as you expressed would, IF they ever occurred, be done IN SPITE OF the Church's teaching, and done by an individual. Anyway, the first thread concerned a father who was concerned for his children. My only point is that he was right to be concerned. And, any advice that it's no big deal is misguided. My father lost his daughters. He apparently didn't see it coming because his priest told him that the annulment would not impact his family. He should have asked us. That's my only point. Peace out.

[/quote]

The annulment does not affect the status of children; you yourself do not know that the priest actually said the words, 'it will not impact your family' and MEANT 'it will have no effect at all' PLUS even IF the priest said and meant that, IT IS NOT WHAT THE CHURCH ACTUALLY TEACHES.

Again, your 'point' is based on misinformation.


#9

DISCLAIMER: The views and opinions expressed in these forums do not necessarily reflect those of Catholic Answers. For official apologetics resources please visit www.catholic.com.