Spouse Standards


#222

shrugs I don’t know why it always sticks out at me. I have known some people who don’t believe in the generally accepted rules of hygiene. I suppose just the fact that romantic relationships have a definite physical component.


#224

No, I haven’t.

They have been friends, family, neighbors. Multiple times with friends I was the one who listened to them gush about their perfect boyfriend, watch them fall for each other, watch them get heartbroken and encouraged them to get back on their feet. I remember what is was like hearing my parents argue over their differences and think they were going to get a divorce. I’ve listened to people talk about how hard divorce was for them and how much they miss parent X. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve also tried to taken into account research regarding what causes divorce. Those couples in the research all had weddings–happy days were they thought it would last, promised to last. And it didn’t.


#225

I am happy to compromise on all the non-negotiables, which is quite a lot. I don’t have compromise on the list, because I feel if he is all those listed things, we’ll do just fine/compromise will come along with it. But I could consider adding it, and I will take the importance of compromise to heart.


#226

I mean this is no way as offense to you, but this appears very problematic. You are turning love into something that appears cold and stiff. That is the opposite of what love is. I see no room for love in contracts. If you are genuinely called to marriage, you need to work past this.


#227

Not me, because I have the male version of this chick’s list and it automatically excludes 99.99999% of women.

In my mind, if I can’t have near-perfection then its not worth it.


#228

Maybe you two should date. :slightly_smiling_face:


#229

My list and hers are mutually exclusive.

Her list is actually fairly normal. I suspect the majority of the people ragging on her about it would treat most of her points as non-negotiables themselves but just don’t list them out explicitly like she does.


#230

I don’t think we are ragging on her but trying to caution her not to lose the forest for the trees.

Several of us were 20 year old women.

I think her revised list is quite good.


#231

Wow, this is a long thread! I read halfway through the replies, then i realized i will never respond if I try to read ALL the replies first.

I think its a great list! I think MOST of them will fit if you find a decent normal man and there is mutual attraction. Both really matter. I suggest keeping this list for YOU, or between you and God. If the relationship develops to a point where you feel like all is ticked off, or at least the important ones, and as you realize this or that doesn’t matter now, because he is so fantastic, and you know he is the one, and you share EVERYTHING now, maybe he would be interested in seeing it. But I really like the idea of it being just between you and God. As you get to know the right guy, you will quickly know if he ticks off most of these things, so there will be very few if any to have to ask about. The dog will probably come up naturally in conversation, too. People like them or they don’t. (Personally I LOVE other people’s dogs, but ownership seems too much for me). And dog ownership is '“you”, so I think putting that in God’s hands is a sure thing.

I think anything to do with sex and intimacy or children or parenting you would not share til its clear you are both seriously feeling so strongly that you want to consider forever.

I would change your rules on the length of platonic and courtship to, instead of a general rule, say “up to” the 15 months, 2 years, etc. Because I really think if you meet the right guy its quite conceivable that you might be quite sure, quite quick, that you want to court with marriage in mind. And in a highly compatible situation, you also might be both wanting to up the courting time table too (with the right one, you may add intensity factor to the courting and you might both be ready sooner. My grandmother used to advise very seriously that long engagements are never a good idea… I think there is some wisdom to consider in that.

I think that because I am a convert, and I thought it would take me forever to actually become Catholic, but the fact is I unexpectedly fell in love with the Church, and I intensified my “courtship” with the church (reading up on it it faster than I ever read in order to re-learn the false witness I had been taught about Catholicism) to a great level of intensity, and I quite unexpectedly was ready in a few months, not the years and years I thought it would take. In fact, Easter Vigil of that year could hardly come soon enough (I had to rely on God’s graces to be patient with the normal process of waiting til Easter Vigil!).

[continued in next post]


#232

[continued from previous post]

I married the wrong guy the first time around (I didn’t have a sensible list like yours, though) and that has been annulled, and I found the right one many years later. I wasn’t looking for a husband at all - I put remarriage totally in God’s hands and thought if God willed it, it would certainly be years and years in the future (I wanted to wait til my son married first). But I unexpectedly met and “against my will” fell in love with a guy that the Lord soon made clear was right for me.

So I highly recommend trusting in the Lord for the guy on your list. And if some of your things are not to be, you will have a total peace about it. God CAN be trusted with this, i am sure of it!

I also want to say that I once developed adult asthma to cats (and other things, as tested), and I have always had cats and I love them. First thing I did was thoroughly wash our bedroom, bedding and curtains (I did not have carpet) and kept the door closed at all times because I had seen in a medical book that you can have pets in the home if an adult or child is pet allergic if you NEVER let the pet in the allergic person’s bedroom EVER. Because the 8 hours dander free respite per day is enough to quell the allergic reaction for almost everyone. It requires vigilance, though. I have seen people install screen doors on bedrooms for this.

The best known allergist in my city said my allergies were so bad that I needed needed to breath in this cortisol thing DAILY, probably forever, plus carry the usually allergy breather thing (Ambuterol?). Well I searched for natural alternative and found Buteyko breathing (also described in book by Teresa Hale, “Breathing Free”). Within 2-4 months I ended my asthma forever with this, and others can too. I joined a free online Buteyko support group while I was learning. But children are very learners of this technique, and can often learn in minutes how to breath to end an allergy attack, and then practice 5 minutes a day for prevention. You won’t find this on TV or in magazines because no one is going to make money on this cure, since you don’t have to buy a thing! (except maybe a book or a workshop, but those are one-time purchases, not like allergy meds which are a never ending money pit).

You sound like a sensible girl and you end up with a child allergic to dogs I am sure you would have the natural love of a mother and choose child over pet, if it came to that, and not just “up the meds”! However, know that if that ever happens, there is an effective med-free solution that is well worth looking into.

Finally I want to ask, have you ever doe a Meyers-Briggs Type Indicator test? If you know your 4-letter type, I will share some interesting relationship info that you might even find helpful. : )


P.S. If you have any trauma and/or PTSD issues, a good time to deal with that is now. Psychological and psychiatric therapy, I think I read, even the very best and the very most expensive and intensive and the super long-term, is ultimately 10% effective, at best. But Jesus heals hearts. And He does it thoroughly and forever. Seek healing from Jesus. You will find it.


#233

I just read your “revised list” Looks great!


#234

Reading through your replies…it really does sound like there’s a lot of anxiety here that you have around marriage. You mentioned your parents arguing a lot upthread and how it made you afraid they were going to divorce. I suspect that’s something you’re going to want to address further. It sounds very much like what’s happening is you’re trying to make sure that doesn’t happen to you. Which is ok, but it can also push you to try to control things in ways that don’t work.

I would consider talking to a therapist about how these things have affected you. You may also be better served by studying what healthy people and good conflict resolution look like, rather than by lists.

I wouldn’t read too much into friend’s relationships at this point, assuming they’re roughly the same age you are. Bad relationships are kind of a hallmark of teenagers.


#235

Two things blind:

1: desperation

2: oxytocin the “bonding hormone” when people get physically intimate, (intense foreplay, not just intercourse) before marriage. This is what God designed to bond mothers to babies and wives to husbands. It is dangerous outside of marriage.


#236

I feel the need to point out that oxytocin does a lot more than that - for example, petting an animal also releases the same hormone.


#237

I have gotten mixed results, but most tests deem me ENTJ.


#238

I didn’t know that! Now I know there science behind my love of dogs! :smiley:


#239

If you don’t mind me asking, what did you base your list off of?

Nice to meet another member here with a list. :slight_smile:


#240

That’s wonderful! I will definitely look into it!


#241

My wife was not Catholic, therefore didn’t believe in the Catholic faith, didn’t go the mass, have the sacraments, love Jesus in the Eucharist, and since she was South Korean, she spoke very little English (I speak Korean).

My wife now is a very faithful Catholic, in some ways better than me, and I went to the Seminary and have a degree in Theology, Philosophy and Latin, Greek and Hebrew.

Dating a non-Catholic and bringing them to the faith can be more rewarding than sharing your faith with a cradle Catholic.


#242

I am very happy things worked out for you!

Personally, I only speak English, so that’s where that point comes from–if I learned a new language, I’d add that one. I can’t fathom only talking on Google Translate during a courtship. :stuck_out_tongue:

Without a doubt, there are some wonderful non-Catholic people out there. I would be willing to date a non-Catholic, but marrying a Catholic is important to me for the sake of the children being raised in the faith. If I wasn’t having children, I would have nothing about religion except “Respects my faith” on the list. I’d probably marry a vegan dog-loving atheist. :grin: I have some lovely friends in that category.


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