Yes, that sounds like the stages I’m going through. I’m fighting my way out of depression, trying not to become a complete aggressive &!@ And hopefully will soon achieve mere assertiveness.
I will pray for you for if he does have one of these PD, and it sounds like one of these two, your life at times is a living hell. … I really think that he does need counseling alone before the couple can be treated, but if you stop, would he also?
I’ve mentioned the growing up in an alcoholic home. The counselor has not dealt with that. He just says we have to forget everything in the past, start fresh, and build a relationship. So I don’t know if he thinks DH has real ‘problems.’ He’s also big on marriage counseling being done AS A COUPLE, but within 4 or 5 sessions, suggested we each come for a session alone. I don’t think I’ll stop, although I’m considering going alone.
He never had positive affirmations from his mom or dad, but was criticized so much… It is no wonder he still has problem for it was a lifetime of bad learned behavior.
Yes, here, too. Lying is typical of growing up in an alcoholic home, for example. But so far, the counselor’s suggestion is that I have to just make a choice to trust him again, or I’m ‘discouraging’ him. I have trusted him many times, and found myself the fool again. I think he needs to deal with his attitude that lying makes you ‘smarter’ as he once told me. (Because everyone goes away happy and you keep the peace.)
The part that you mention about him saying that you can forgive everyone else but him reminds me of a similiar experience. …after a while I got sick of the “I’m sorry!” and didn’t want to hear it anymore.
Yes, I think the fact that he can see I’ve forgiven everyone else should tell him something. I’ve given him many chances, and he took it as a message I’m a doormat, not as a second chance.
He has changed some of the behavior. But he has never really apologized. He yells at me that he’s always apologizing, or yells, “I’m sorry BUT…” and then launches into reasons why it’s my fault anyway, or why he didn’t really do anything wrong.
I am so sorry that he was out with other women though, that has to hurt.
The counselor wants me to view this as just having coffee with a co-worker after work. To me, it’s different when it’s weekly, goes on for years, he lies about where he was, and years later he’s using her name as his password. That was only woman #1. Whether he slept with any of them, I don’t know. What really hurts right now is that he was trading warm-fuzzy ‘forward’ e-mails with a woman at work, almost daily. I have told him how much it would mean to me to get e-mails, and he simply can’t be bothered. .
I am only just recently beginning to trust him again. He has realized that he broke that trust.
How long did it take to start trusting? What made him realize he’d broken trust? My husband does not admit or appear to grasp, that lying breaks trust.
YOu said he wants to work on your marriage and that is a huge blessing already. My husband also wanted to work on the marriage and he did. He started out slow, but now is really trying.
Same here. I see a lot of effort, but a lot of problems still (the blaming me, for one.)
I am glad to see that you have not given up hope for your marriage. … I also turn to St. Rita and St. Monica … I had a holy priest tell me to ask St. Joseph to pray for my husband. It works even though many times I felt it wasn’t.
We have a statue of St. Rita that a friend gave us. She had no idea who she was, but ‘heard’ a voice telling her to get it for me. I pray to St. Rita and St. Monica, have prayed to St. Joseph, have said literally thousands of rosaries over the past 14 years, and you’re right, it doesn’t feel like anyone’s listening or caring. I try to see the many positive changes. But it is still so hurtful to see how much he loved trading those e-mails with a girl known for sleeping with married men and how equally obviously he has no interest in sending me any sort of e-mails. It is infuriating and hurtful to be ignored.
I’m sorry to say, but ‘not given up hope’ is a bit too optimistic. More like, I just keep telling myself, I won’t crush my kids and tear apart their world this week. Actually, I’ve moved from ‘not today’ to ‘not this month.’ I guess that’s progress.
Thank you for your encouragement. It has given me a ‘second wind’ to go talk with Rita, Monica, and Joseph again!
Thank you, everyone else, too. Chevalier, thank you for your thoughts. It does help me to see him in a more compassionate light, which allows me to feel a little less hurt by the undeniably hurtful things he has done.