Spouses sexual past - need help from spouses with no previous sexual past


#101

I said that he experienced somewhat with other people. I know he didn’t promise anything to others. I didn’t promise anything to others either. His past is getting in the way of my bonding with him. This is honestly a dealbreaker and I believe we will end up separating. Sexual sin is too much for me to deal with.

This will be my last post. Thanks everyone for your help, I do appreciate it. It’s just too much for me.


#102

I hear this all the time on here.
I would not have married a man who flinched the least bit at me talking about my sex life. I was also open to guys talking about theirs, in fact I never met a guy who could keep his mouth shut about it to be honest.

I really needed a partner who was not going “to argue or to judge” as the Bob Dylan song says. There were very deep seated reasons for me needing this.

By “talking about” I mean just being free to talk about it, not any sort of comparison/ competition between guys or anything emotionally loaded. It was very important to me that any man I was with basically didn’t care about whatever I was doing before I met him and possibly after I met him, except perhaps in the sense of caring about my well-being.

I realize this does not work for everybody, but keeping mum about one’s past also doesn’t work for everybody. I would have rather not married at all than married somebody who had a no-fly list of verboten personal subjects.


#103

Please don’t do that. Help is out there. Find a good therapist; he or she could help you greatly. Two ways to find a good Catholic therapist are 1) talk to your diocese’s Family Life office and see if they have anyone that they recommend, or 2) contact the Pastoral Solutions Institute at 740-266-6461. They can assign a counselor to talk to you over the phone. They will be kind and non-judgmental. Best wishes to you, and don’t give up!


#104

Take your time and let the saint help you. God bless.


#105

This is very unfortunate. I pray you reconsider.

His past is only getting in the way of bonding because you are allowing it to get in the way. Please find what you need to work through this. You say this is the only issue in your marriage. It would be very foolish to throw everything away over this.


#106

It’s quite obvious that there are many serious issues in this Marriage. Somehow, I don’t think any of us are getting the whole story.


#107

Please think this through. Are you talking about separation without a divorce? Or a divorce? If you divorce, are you willing to accept the fact that you may not be able to get an annulment? And even if you do get an annulment and hope to try again, only this time with a virgin male, please be advised that a virgin male may want his wife to also be a virgin, so that plan may not be successful. Additionally, that would also release your husband into the dating world where he would be extra unwelcome competition for those of us who are saving it and want a spouse who is also saving it.


#108

Yes, I completely agree with you!

The situation of the op seems block. … At least for now. Perhaps, she can let extra time, to see if she can deal with it, without having intercourse during this period, and restart again, when she may feel better, more ready to let her sorrow go, forget her husband? When she would desire him again? It seems to me the best idea.

Leaving her husband would make her going a more complex situation, and will not make her past with her husband disapear. She will be in the same situation of her husband, that she cannot deal herself. Or worst, if she cannot remarry as a Catholic.


#109

Too late. You’re married now and you had this information before. You can’t call something a “dealbreaker” after you married the person! You need help but you’re not prepared to let go of this.
You’d rather break your sacramental vow than deal with this.


#110

Hmm…well that’s just life. There’s no guarantees. There’s always the chance a virgin will meet someone who isn’t a virgin and actually fall in love with them.


#111

You have made a mistake in marrying this man.

  • It can be not the man you should have marry as you cannot stand with his sexual sins.
  • Or maybe it is the man made for you, but 18 mounths of courtship is not enough in your case, and now your marriage is in real peril, because you don’t resolve all the issues before!

Yes, I agree, it is injust that he had others women before you, whereas you were virgin, but you made the choice to marry him while you know at least partially the truth. A mislead choice, but you made it. Forever.

Think again. You can choose separation of course. It is your right. But weight well the fact it may create others injustices. For you, for him, for your souls, and the others people that may have a relation with you.

It is hard, life is not always fair.


#112

If you divorced would you be willing to never remarry?


#113

what is that question? Are you asking another catholic if he is willing to live a live of sin?
We cannot remarry, as a catholic divorce is something that does not exist.


#114

I think it does have to be asked, because the OP is not necessarily thinking clearly right now.

Asking yourself, “Is this problem serious enough that I would be willing to live without marital companionship for the rest of my life” is a good reality check, because a lot of times, people are imagining a do-over.


#115

yes, you have right!

it is a very important parameter.

Sorry for my reaction, I didn’t understand!


#116

Folks, if your spouse withheld information from you that would have caused you not to marry them, this very well could impact consent.

The OP is advised to contact her priest and the Tribunal.


#117

Not sure he did though. She knew this before they married.


#118

So many posts ago, I cannot recall. Best that our OP meet with her Pastor.


#119

It’s not the case that anything that a person might not have learned before marriage is grounds for an annulment.

She had the essential information…that her husband had sex before marriage. The details that he might not have told her don’t necessarily add to that.

She shouldn’t have married this man. But more because she’s immature and is going to ruin this guy’s life than anything else.

I have little sympathy for people who wish to treat their marriage vows like something you can just put away when the going gets tough.
Even the mentality of “going for an annulment” seems to have pervaded the culture. Just deal with your problems and stop trying to get out of the marriage. There’s never any guarantee that annulment will be granted.


#120

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