Spouse's spiritual 'bond' with religious


#1

I have great anxiety over this and seek any solid input and advice. My wife and I, married many years, recently befriended a seminarian through our parish. This early 30s professing religious formed a bond with my 40 year old wife. They call it a “brother-sister” relationship, which seems innocent enough. But over the last year it has become spiritually intense. They pray together in person whenever possible, and every day they “meet” at least twice at specific times to say prayers (novenas and such) including very early in the morning. The seminarian is currently away on a “semi retreat” assignment another city for a month, yet and they keep in touch with several emails a day, IMs, and phone calls, usually when I am at work (since my wife is home with our children). My wife says he is the brother she never had and their terms of endearment are always things like: “your forever devoted sister”, and he calls her “My lovely sister”, “My life” and other such things. They both close their remarks to each other with things like “read my mind, heart and soul” and little codes like IMYSM (which, I think means I love you so much) or IMYSM (I miss you so much) the ((((hug)))) and etc… This just seems too bazaar to me. Especially since my wife does NONE of these things with me. It is obvious he constantly thinks about her because he says as much in his messages. It is not like I am opposed to deep prayer with my wife. I am more than willing. And I am available. But she is more committed to her “future priest” because he tells her that his advancement is a result of her prayers. Help, please. Is this normal? Or it is a form of spiritual adultery? My heart is sick over this. I want to trust them, I don’t want to be jealous, but it just seems wrong. Please help. What should I do?


#2

Seek out his superior and inform them, immediately, just the facts but also HOW it is effecting you.

If nothing is done there, contact your Bishop and demand action.

If nothing is done there, sorry, no one else can do a thing to force a bishop to act properly.


#3

Well,there have been saints that support each other in prayer and incouragement.This does seem like overkill though.On the same hand she might be going through something spiritually that she might not think you will understand.Have you talked to her about it?Have you told her how you are feeling?Have you talked to the soon to be priest?God Bless


#4

We have very open communication on most things, which is why the closed nature of this bothers me. The three of us had a serious talk six weeks ago and I expressed all these concerns. They agreed to “tone it down” and in fact said that while he was away, there would be no contact. That lasted a week. The thing is, everytime I happen to walk in when my wife is online with him she quicky signs off and deletes everything. She has also justified two of phone calls they had, though I am aware there have been several more. Your point about the saints is well taken. There may well be some imitation going on. Which is why I’m really not sure how to address this. But it still doesn’t feel right.


#5

a seminarian in formation should be intensifying his spiritual bond with Jesus Christ, not with a layperson of any gender or age. the spiritual path he should be on is one of lessening personal attachments, not forming them. If your wife were in such constant contact with anyone-daughter, best friend from college, her own brother–it would be over the top if all you say is true.


#6

[quote=mickeyray]We have very open communication on most things, which is why the closed nature of this bothers me. The three of us had a serious talk six weeks ago and I expressed all these concerns. They agreed to “tone it down” and in fact said that while he was away, there would be no contact. That lasted a week. The thing is, everytime I happen to walk in when my wife is online with him she quicky signs off and deletes everything. She has also justified two of phone calls they had, though I am aware there have been several more. Your point about the saints is well taken. There may well be some imitation going on. Which is why I’m really not sure how to address this. But it still doesn’t feel right.
[/quote]

I think your instincts about this count for something. If it feels wrong to you, then do the reporting thing to superiors of his. You gave him a chance to stop the nonsense. Now you have the right to act upon it.


#7

[quote=formercatholic]Seek out his superior and inform them, immediately, just the facts but also HOW it is effecting you.If nothing is done there, contact your Bishop and demand action.
If nothing is done there, sorry, no one else can do a thing to force a bishop to act properly.
[/quote]

I had two very close friends who went to seminary. They did eventually decide not to go on and eventually married. This guy does not sound like any seminarian I have ever met. There is a thing called “near occasions of sin” which one is obliged to avoid. This relationship, even if platonic is morally dangerous for both of them. I would take the advice above pronto.


#8

[quote=mickeyray]We have very open communication on most things, which is why the closed nature of this bothers me. The three of us had a serious talk six weeks ago and I expressed all these concerns. They agreed to “tone it down” and in fact said that while he was away, there would be no contact. That lasted a week. The thing is, everytime I happen to walk in when my wife is online with him she quicky signs off and deletes everything. She has also justified two of phone calls they had, though I am aware there have been several more. Your point about the saints is well taken. There may well be some imitation going on. Which is why I’m really not sure how to address this. But it still doesn’t feel right.
[/quote]

You are right to be disturbed.If she is deleting things and sneaking phone calls and just by sneaking around there is a red flag. You have confronted her,she has continued,I am sure you pointed out again you know she is sneaking around,I feel you need to go to his superior.Also, go to your Priest with your wife for marriage and spiritual counseling.God Bless


#9

I would presume good faith, but talk to your spouse about it again. Have you told her precisely what you have told us or did you hold something bakc? If not, in my opinion, you ought to speak to your wife before elevating to the seminarian’s superiors.


#10

A careful reading of his posts will reveal that he HAS talked to them, told them to tone it down, and they didn’t.

I’d raise holy hell with his superiors (tell them all you’ve told us) about it and put my foot down with the wife and tell her to end the relationship immediately or you can no longer live together as husband and wife till she does.


#11

[quote=SweetPea]A careful reading of his posts will reveal that he HAS talked to them, told them to tone it down, and they didn’t.

I’d raise holy hell with his superiors (tell them all you’ve told us) about it and put my foot down with the wife and tell her to end the relationship immediately or you can no longer live together as husband and wife till she does.
[/quote]

I agree, a fit is in order here:mad: God Bless


#12

Remember, she can leave you for him, marry him after divorcing you, have children with him, go to confession, and remain with him for the good of the their children. They just have to give up sex and she can make you pay exhorbitant child support for any kids you might have when she gets custody of them after your divorce.

So, dump your wife, divorce her, and seek an annulment, which is 90-95% guaranteed in the U.S.

Nice scenarion, huh!!!

But damn true, brother.

I am joking about this really but I intentionally want to point out the heresy that is going on in the Catholic Church under the guise of Marriage Tribunals and which is actively supported in this forum and throughout every single diocese in the United States of America.


#13

[quote=formercatholic]Remember, she can leave you for him, marry him after divorcing you, have children with him, go to confession, and remain with him for the good of the their children. They just have to give up sex and she can make you pay exhorbitant child support for any kids you might have when she gets custody of them after your divorce.

So, dump your wife, divorce her, and seek an annulment, which is 90-95% guaranteed in the U.S.

Nice scenarion, huh!!!

But damn true, brother.

I am joking about this really but I intentionally want to point out the heresy that is going on in the Catholic Church under the guise of Marriage Tribunals and which is actively supported in this forum and throughout every single diocese in the United States of America.
[/quote]

Don’t you think this is a bit over the top?What is wrong with you?Are you trying to help him or give him something else to worry about?I understand that you have been hurt but that does not entitled you to go on a one man slander crusade:tsktsk: God Bless and go take a few laps


#14

She is having an affair with him and it sounds as if she is in love with him. The affair may not have turned physical but that wouldn’t matter to me.

Trust your gut instinct that is telling you that there is something wrong about the whole thing.

Good luck to you; many prayers coming your way.


#15

[quote=itsjustdave1988]I would presume good faith, but talk to your spouse about it again. Have you told her precisely what you have told us or did you hold something bakc? If not, in my opinion, you ought to speak to your wife before elevating to the seminarian’s superiors.
[/quote]

Respectfully disagree. I believe that this is important information that this seminarian needs to discuss with his superiors as part of his formation/discernment process (assumming from his ongoing frequent contacts with a married woman he has not). This seminarian needs to take care of his issues, and mickeyray and his wife need to take care of their marital issues, but, first get the seminarian and the wife *apart *at the “spiritual hip”!! :tsktsk:


#16

[quote=felra]Respectfully disagree. I believe that this is important information that this seminarian needs to discuss with his superiors as part of his formation/discernment process (assumming from his ongoing frequent contacts with a married woman he has not). This seminarian needs to take care of his issues, and mickeyray and his wife need to take care of their marital issues, but, first get the seminarian and the wife *apart *at the “spiritual hip”!! :tsktsk:
[/quote]

I agree and the finger wagging is indeed in order in this case;) God Bless


#17

Regardless of one’s vocation (either married, ordained, or celibate lay), one has to behave with circumspection and due regard for propriety! He owes it to his vocation as a future priest (if, indeed, he still has one) and your wife owes it to her vocation as your wife. I, too, think you should talk to A) your pastor, and/or B) his superiors, and/or the bishop who has jurisdiction over this man.


#18

[quote=mickeyray]I have great anxiety over this and seek any solid input and advice. My wife and I, married many years, recently befriended a seminarian through our parish. This early 30s professing religious formed a bond with my 40 year old wife. They call it a “brother-sister” relationship, which seems innocent enough. But over the last year it has become spiritually intense. They pray together in person whenever possible, and every day they “meet” at least twice at specific times to say prayers (novenas and such) including very early in the morning. The seminarian is currently away on a “semi retreat” assignment another city for a month, yet and they keep in touch with several emails a day, IMs, and phone calls, usually when I am at work (since my wife is home with our children). My wife says he is the brother she never had and their terms of endearment are always things like: “your forever devoted sister”, and he calls her “My lovely sister”, “My life” and other such things. They both close their remarks to each other with things like “read my mind, heart and soul” and little codes like IMYSM (which, I think means I love you so much) or IMYSM (I miss you so much) the ((((hug)))) and etc… This just seems too bazaar to me. Especially since my wife does NONE of these things with me. It is obvious he constantly thinks about her because he says as much in his messages. It is not like I am opposed to deep prayer with my wife. I am more than willing. And I am available. But she is more committed to her “future priest” because he tells her that his advancement is a result of her prayers. Help, please. Is this normal? Or it is a form of spiritual adultery? My heart is sick over this. I want to trust them, I don’t want to be jealous, but it just seems wrong. Please help. What should I do?
[/quote]

UMMMM, I think your instincts are correct. This is not brother/sister type of relationship. Believe me, I know, I have two brothers. I suspect some hanky panky going on.

No religious should have this type of contact with anyone where he is working. Since the abuse scandals many diocese have very strict rules regarding this type of behavior. At my parish we had a youth minister, with no religious vocation mind you, who was emailing with some of the kids. I don’t even think there was anything explicit or bad about the emails except that it is against the rules. To make a long story short, he was let go.

You have some issues regarding your marriage that you and your wife need to address. In the mean time you should contact his “supervisors” and let them know about your concerns. IMO–This young man needs a really long retreat if he is seriously considering the priesthood.


#19

[quote=felra]Respectfully disagree. I believe that this is important information that this seminarian needs to discuss with his superiors as part of his formation/discernment process (assumming from his ongoing frequent contacts with a married woman he has not). This seminarian needs to take care of his issues, and mickeyray and his wife need to take care of their marital issues, but, first get the seminarian and the wife *apart *at the “spiritual hip”!! :tsktsk:
[/quote]

I see your point.


#20

[quote=asquared]a seminarian in formation should be intensifying his spiritual bond with Jesus Christ, not with a layperson of any gender or age. the spiritual path he should be on is one of lessening personal attachments, not forming them. If your wife were in such constant contact with anyone-daughter, best friend from college, her own brother–it would be over the top if all you say is true.
[/quote]

:amen: and very well-put! You are right on the mark, asquared!


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