Stay at home dads


#21

The children we have breastfed have been fine getting breastmilk from a bottle.

Sure you’re entitled to your opinion and that’s how YOU would parent your children. My kids are no worse off for getting breastmilk in a bottle from their dad. :slight_smile:

ETA: I was worried that sounded snippy.

Ugh…I just get annoyed when people insinuate (not saying you did…just in general I see it on this board) that men can’t be as nurturing and loving as a mom to their children. I’m nurturing in a totally different way than my DH. He is seriously the most patient, loving father to our girls and it is the reason I married him I think. I just think writing off Dads and not able to do the SAHD thing for any reason just plays into the stereotype that men are incapable of lots of things so prevalent in our society.


#22

Very interesting points, 3girls.


#23

Never would have worked in our house . . . I loved being home and dh didn’t. A couple of times I went out of town; dh couldn’t wait for me to get home so he could go back to work.


#24

I so agree with this:) I often see on parenting boards (not just this one) that somehow the dad role has been regulated to more of a babysitter than a father. The mother is the one who is only fit to be a parent.

I know men who work 3-4 jobs just so they’re wives can stay home and I often wonder if these children grow up feeling like they’ve got only one parent. My dh grew up this way and I know he feels like that.


#25

I am not married… but I hope that if I ever get the huge privilege of being a wife and mother then I would like to have a part time job. I would like to take a masters degree in theology and make a difference somewhere teaching and evangelising… I know I am skilled in many things. At the same time I wanna be a mom and take care of a home … so … my dream is **part time job **:slight_smile:

What I dont prefer is have a man tell me that I have to fit neetly into his already made plan where I am the perfect SAHM, give me a guilt trip because “I dont seem to care about my children first” and say with slight indignation: “Well I guess I can be Mr. Mom…” … I absolutely despise the concept “mr.mom”… I’d say: “No thanks… you being mr. Dad will do just fine”. .
I find the term Mr. Mom to be condescending … As though a father would not be good enough at whatever was required of him.


#26

That makes me mad too. Either they’re incapable of parenting their kids because it’s too complicated and hard for them (demeaning to men) or it’s somehow below them as ‘women’s work’ (demeaning to women). Can’t we boys and girls just get along and team up in the best interest of our families? :smiley:

This irritates me greatly. It seems that in the US the mother is expected to include all the roles traditionally played by many family members in the rest of the world - the father, the grandparents, aunts and uncles - who would all be close, nurturing people in a child’s life. And thus she becomes the only person capable of caring for the kids, which translates into her duty to spend 24/7 with them.

:yup:


#27

I agree with this–while it’s noble for a father/husband to work multiple jobs because he wants to support his family, I can’t help but wonder when he sees his kids? I mean, if a father is working 3 jobs…he might if he is lucky, get an hour here and there to see his kids. Kids need to bond with their dads, just as much as with their moms, albeit it differently.


#28

agreed


#29

Again, a sane, reasonable approach. :slight_smile: Personal preferences and characteristics instead of sweeping generalizations.


#30

Yes, I completely agree. While I don’t want to ‘judge’ families who do it this way as I don’t know their family dynamics and why it might work for them, I do think it’s wrong to do it because ‘a mother must never leave her children’, even with dad. That is just unfair both to the dad, who works so hard for someone he never sees, and the kids, who grow up fatherless.


#31

yes, agree again. I think that again, while noble, and the best of intentions probably are in play with this dynamic, I see it as robbing the father of his time with the kids–and almost making him look like a human atm machine. I think that both mom and dad need equal time…not one over the other–with their kids. If that wasn’t the case, then we would see more well adjusted kids from divorced homes, and the stats show that kids without seeing their moms or dads consistently, and frequently, do suffer. I would imagine the same holds true for a husband and wife who live together, but one parent is always working, and never home.

Kids want our time, more than anything else. They want our love and attention, and while we all must do what is important for our families financially, the most important thing is making sure that one parent is working so much that he/she is losing out on that quality time with his/her child(ren). Just my two cents.


#32

I know I’m late in the game, but wanted to share anyway :).

I think that stay-at-home dads are great! I think that if a man is a SAHD, then he’s meant to be :). I know several families who do this and it works out great, but in our situation, DH told me a couple days ago (we had just visited my cousin who had a baby and her DH is a SAHD) there would be NO way that he’d seek out being at home with our children. Why? He’d go crazy! That’s not saying he’s a horrible father and lacking the nurturing part of being a parent - in fact, he’s the most wonderful father I could have ever imagined our children to have! Our son has eyes only for his daddy when he’s home. But I know DH would much rather bring home the bacon (he also LOVES his job!). I think part of it stems from the fact that he feels it’s more his role to provide and also the fact that when Matthew was younger than a year old, I left them to go do various things for a couple hours at a time, and Matthew would refuse a bottle or cup with breastmilk (I’m a breastfeeding mama) and then proceed to scream until I got home or to the point of exhaustion. So, I think he’s been slightly scarred and imagines a day to be somewhat similiar to that :stuck_out_tongue: .

Right now, it’d probably be in our best interest if I went back to work and he stayed at home. I make a good amount more in my career than he does in his and I have more potential to make a lot more without having to further my education than he does his. However, I have no desire to go back and he has no desire to leave it - so that’s what works for us :). I will say one thing he doesn’t like is the fact that he’s had to take up a second job in order to allow me to stay at home. He appreciates any effort I make to save money or to make a little extra, but he’d never want me to go back to work. He misses the evening time he gets with Matthew, but it’s still completely worth it to him :).


#33

I apologize if my Mr. Mom comments seemed sexist, they definitely weren’t meant that way. I would be just find being Mr. Dad too :slight_smile:

I also agree 100% with what you are saying and I believe men who always tell their wife what to do are missing the point of a sacramental marriage. The Husband may be the head but he must be willing to sacrifice everything, including his will, for the good of his family. That doesn’t mean people shouldn’t be strong and at times take charge but with taking charge also comes stepping back when necessary.

Joe


#34

I agree but want to elaborate on where I think you are going. I know people who both work and spent all their extra time with there kids - we are one of them and we know others. I also know people who one stays at home but their kids are dropped off multiple times during the day so that parent can “do things” then they put the kids to be immediately after dinner so they can have “their” time.

What happened to family time? Don’t get me wrong, kids need sleep, more than most get but when you haven’t seen your kids, especially the working parent and you put them to be, literally an hour and a half after you get home, what does that tell them?

Kids need love, as I said in a previous post, the more people they have to love them the better and the more often. That is how they learn to trust. Deny them that now and look for a world of problems in the future.

Joe


#35

I’d be totally into being a full-time SAHD!


#36

agreed…i think we are on the same page? I would imagine that there isn’t much ‘family’ time, if one of the parents is rarely home because he/she is working. Interesting point, Joe.


#37

Dear Joe… I was not referring to you or what you have said but to the fact that I have seen the expression some times now and it seems just wrong to me. Its used in the context of: "What? me? you want me to take your female role? stay at home with kids? Me clean? Me change dipers? me …etc ?? NOO… thats a moms job and if I do these I am not a man."
This logic is lacking something in my head. Men want to be masculine… but sometimes they strive to be so in the wrong ways as they become afraid of looking weak to other men. There is nothing exceptional about changing a diper, comforting a crying child… its not particularly female or male … Takes both to make them… and both to bring them into healthy adulthood… I know this because my dad was a great provider but never spend time with me…
Mr. mom indicates taking on a role that is foreign to the man because a man is not a mom and will never be. But it takes two people equally working and loving to make up a strong Christian household.


#38

great. nothing wrong with that. just remember this - and I say that to the all the ladies and gentlemen here too - regardless of your wish list dont forget you are going to marry a human being with whom you will create a life together. dont go looking for a spouse like some go looking for a car: “…so this is my life and my dreams … and the person have to be like this and that and fit neatly into my already planned existence”.


#39

:amen: Grace!

Adding to that, I don’t even like the term ‘stay at home’ anything. I never did. Did that replace ‘housewives?’ We are a culture filled with meaningless labels, and ultimately, at the end of the day–these labels just make everyone feel bad. You have moms who work outside of the home feeling like they are not as good as moms who ‘stay home.’ You have dads who are staying at home, feeling they are not as good as dads who ‘work outside of the home.’ Simply put, kids need both parents. Albeit, in different ways for their growth, but they need both parents. And not mom 90% of the time, and dad to give a quick kiss when the child is off to bed. No, both parents need to be parenting…and I look forward to the day, when if one parent stays home–that the other parent doesn’t have to work multiple jobs to be able to provide. That’s another problem…but that’s for another thread.:slight_smile:


#40

Amen sister…
But unfortunately… even with the great new books such as "Good News… ", “Theology of the Body” and lots of others… there is still misconceptions that are kept alive by serious leading Catholics in America.
They focus too much on roles and gender sometimes where they should look more at personality and diversity. I fear that what they do is to make estrangement between the sexes and end up in the opposite ditch from a secular culture that wants to make man and woman totally identical. But both extremes are bad… Hope you get what I mean.


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