Step-Daughter wanting to have boyfriend spend the night


#1

My step-daughter is 16. She is in the 11th grade but a little more mature than kids her age. She has a boyfriend who is 18. The boyfriend was living near us but had quit school and was living at his dad’s house. For a few different reasons, the boyfriend’s dad and his step-mom had asked him to move away and now lives 4 hours away.

My step-daughter is wanting to see him. Her boyfriend wants to come down for a few days but would have no place to stay while here. My step-daughter is asking even if the boyfriend can sleep outside in a tent. My feeling is no on any of this. Personally I feel the boyfriend should stay maybe at his parent’s house for a few days but he won’t because he is still upset at being asked to leave by them.

My wife I do feel should get the final say on this. This is her daughter after all but has asked me for input which I really am grateful for. I really would be disappointed if my wife was to say it was OK but so far she is sticking with No.

I am wondering if I am being too old-fashioned here. It has been put to me by some adults I know that this is a pretty common thing: teenage kids spending the night in the same house with parents for a few days. Am I being too harsh? What would any of you do if you were in this situation?


#2

Stick to your guns. You don't give the reason the boyfriend was asked to move out by his parents, so in all charity we must assume the parents had a valid reason. If he is unwilling to stay with either of his parents while in town, then surely he has some friends he can stay with.
FTIW, a two year age difference is not a huge deal for adults, but it is an enormous gap for a 16 year old. I don't know if it is practical to prohibit her from seeing him, but you should be doing what you can to discourage the relationship.


#3

You say you are strict, but I wasn't allowed to date until I was 19. I don't understand why she is dating at 16. She should be studying for her ACT and looking at colleges. But that's purely my own opinion. Everyone is different and what is best for some isn't best for others. How you raise your children is your business :)

Anyway, I don't see a problem with you hosting her boyfriend as long as they are sleeping separate and either you or your wife are always present, or another adult that you trust, at all times. If you have a spare bedroom to put him in for his visit, I would think that would be acceptable, or the sofa. Or a tent outside is fine.. if not a bit odd. But look, you're allowing her to date and have a boyfriend. Why is this any different than hosting another friend for a few days? You have the benefit of monitoring them and making sure they don't make poor choices. If the boyfriend has to go elsewhere, the chances they will be doing something they shouldn't increases. This is an opportunity to teach, to set limits, to set behavior standards. At least, it sure would have been for my parents :rolleyes:


#4

Ok, you asked :wink: I wouldn’t have allowed her to date him in the first place. She’s too young being the first reason. She needs to concentrate on school and develop emotionally and psychologically in order to make adult choices, when she is an adult. She can’t do that at 16. In addition, from what you’ve described only, this particular boy is going to drag her down, not help her up. I’m not sure if it’s too late for her because you’ve already let the horse out of the barn. But If my parents could keep me from dating until I was 19, other parents can too. JMOHO…


#5

[quote="philippaul, post:1, topic:194876"]
My step-daughter is 16. She is in the 11th grade but a little more mature than kids her age. She has a boyfriend who is 18. The boyfriend was living near us but had quit school and was living at his dad's house. For a few different reasons, the boyfriend's dad and his step-mom had asked him to move away and now lives 4 hours away.

My step-daughter is wanting to see him. Her boyfriend wants to come down for a few days but would have no place to stay while here. My step-daughter is asking even if the boyfriend can sleep outside in a tent. My feeling is no on any of this. Personally I feel the boyfriend should stay maybe at his parent's house for a few days but he won't because he is still upset at being asked to leave by them.

My wife I do feel should get the final say on this. This is her daughter after all but has asked me for input which I really am grateful for. I really would be disappointed if my wife was to say it was OK but so far she is sticking with No.

I am wondering if I am being too old-fashioned here. It has been put to me by some adults I know that this is a pretty common thing: teenage kids spending the night in the same house with parents for a few days. Am I being too harsh? What would any of you do if you were in this situation?

[/quote]

This post is just wrong on so many levels.

First, when it comes to dating I think you've entirely missed the point. A sixteen year old should not have a boyfriend who is 18 at all *(they really shouldn't have any serious boyfriend no matter the age), let alone an 18 year old who has *dropped out of school *and been "asked" for "various reasons" to *leave the house *by his parents (i.e. kicked out). Is your wife *nuts?

Secondly, you both *are parents. There should be no "it's her daughter she gets the say" in your household. The household stands *united *and the parents stand *united. It is both yours and your wife's house. Family rules should have been established WAY before this visit with the boyfriend came up. This idea that you are "grateful" that your wife asked your input... what's *that *about?

Third, just because many parents are permissive and off their rocker is not an indication you should follow them into Bedlam. No you are not being "old fashioned." You are being a Catholic parent applying Catholic principles, Catholic parenting, and common sense.

If the kids parents don't even want him for a few days visit, then don't bring him under YOUR roof.


#6

I understand your concerns, and agree with some of them, but that wasn’t his question. The thing is, they are allowing her to date, and they are allowing her to date this kid. Let’s be frank, the likelihood that this will change is not very high. But as long as they are allowing this to continue, I’d rather have them where I can watch them - constantly. If they don’t host this kid, they’ll just spend all their time elsewhere, where they aren’t monitored. Just MOHO… at this point, it’s just damage control.


#7

The fact that the OP didn’t explain why the boyfriend got kicked out by his parents, we shouldn’t assume that the kid is trouble. It could very well be the parents are the issue.
But the fact that he quit school, that is troubling. The OP never said if he even likes this boyfriend or if he trusts him. I don’t think you can make them stop dating, that would only make it much more attractive to his daughter to continue to see this boy. BUT, I don’t know if I would go out of my way to make it easier for them to continue to see each other either. On paper, the relationship sounds like a bad match. Unless the OP can fill in more details, if it was me going on just the OP’s original post, I’d tell my daughter no.


#8

[quote="Rence, post:6, topic:194876"]
I understand your concerns, and agree with some of them, but that wasn't his question. The thing is, they are allowing her to date, and they are allowing her to date this kid.

[/quote]

He asked for opinions, I gave mine. They are out of their minds to allow their 16 yo to date an 18 yo drop out who is 4 hours away and wanting to have multiple day sleepover visits. Forget it.

I am going to give my opinion and that is that they need to step back, look at the bigger picture and determine what their values are and what their house rules are as a Catholic family.

[quote="Rence, post:6, topic:194876"]
Let's be frank, the likelihood that this will change is not very high. But as long as they are allowing this to continue, I'd rather have them where I can watch them - constantly. If they don't host this kid, they'll just spend all their time elsewhere, where they aren't monitored. Just MOHO.... at this point, it's just damage control.

[/quote]

I disagree. If they don't allow him to come visit, then they won't see each other at all. Four hours away is a long way and eventually this will die out. The boy will find another target of his affections.

If he comes to town and stays elsewhere, the parents can still have monitored visiting-- such as having him over for dinner, movie. It does not follow that if he stays elsewhere the will "spend all their time elsewhere." They will spend it however the parents allow.

Whether he's 4 hours away or 5 minutes away, they can certainly find ways to be together in inappropriate ways. They can go to the movies and sneak out. They can go to the mall and sneak away. The parents cannot ultimately control every move the daughter makes. But they can control access and restrict visiting time. And, if the boy stays 4 hours away long enough, he'll forget all about the 16 yo and will find someone new.


#9

16 is too young to date, period. End this.


#10

I wasn't allowed to stay in my parents house past 18. I was expected to be self sufficient and pay my own way by then so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions about someone not living with their parents at 18. Still, if the mom feels uneasy about the situation then she should stick to her guns. If the guy left on good terms with his Dad and wasn't kicked out it shouldn't be a problem to stay a couple of days while he visits.


#11

Guys, thanks for the honest answers and not pulling punches so to speak. To answer a few questions…

My step-daughter was already dating before I married her mom. We have only been married for 8 months at this point.

The boyfriend was asked to leave by his dad and step-mom because he did choose to quit school when he was 16/17. He wouldn’t get a job and he had been reckless with property. He is not a horrible kid by any means but he does have some issues that I think should be corrected. He is very anti-authority but who wasn’t when they were 18? I can only try to be a good influence on him when I do see him.

Personally I believe in the courting method of “dating” if you will. I don’t have a problem with a 16 year old having a friend who is a guy. But to think you are already tied to this person is beyond me.

My wife made a decision to allow her children to do age-appropriate things so that they wouldn’t feel they are missing out and thereby sneak around like she did when she was younger. I can respect that her daughter is hers and I will offer my input as I think necessary. We are trying to integrate things as easy as we can. Believe me, when I came in I tried to force everything (I used to be in the Marine Corps and I still have that mentality sometimes with my son and work) and was met with a lot of resistance. That was a very bad idea doing that with girls. They are wired differently.

My wife now though is beginning to re-think some things because she has another daughter who is 12 now and will be coming up soon. She is also beginning to tire of the boyfriend drama. I was asking really though to see what was thought of having a boy stay over from your perspectives. I really appreciate the thoughts expressed. They are extremely helpful. Has opened my eyes to a few things. Thanks!


#12

[quote="philippaul, post:11, topic:194876"]
Guys, thanks for the honest answers and not pulling punches so to speak. To answer a few questions...

My step-daughter was already dating before I married her mom. We have only been married for 8 months at this point.

The boyfriend was asked to leave by his dad and step-mom because he did choose to quit school when he was 16/17. He wouldn't get a job and he had been reckless with property. He is not a horrible kid by any means but he does have some issues that I think should be corrected. He is very anti-authority but who wasn't when they were 18? I can only try to be a good influence on him when I do see him.

Personally I believe in the courting method of "dating" if you will. I don't have a problem with a 16 year old having a friend who is a guy. But to think you are already tied to this person is beyond me.

My wife made a decision to allow her children to do age-appropriate things so that they wouldn't feel they are missing out and thereby sneak around like she did when she was younger. I can respect that her daughter is hers and I will offer my input as I think necessary. We are trying to integrate things as easy as we can. Believe me, when I came in I tried to force everything (I used to be in the Marine Corps and I still have that mentality sometimes with my son and work) and was met with a lot of resistance. That was a very bad idea doing that with girls. They are wired differently.You are not the father of these girls. You definitely have no right to lay down any rules or decisions where they are concerned. Unless put temporarily in charge by their Mother .It's a sad fact but true. Your input is going to be something that is earned over time. You may not have reached that point with the older one yet.You want to ask if she wants your opinion or not.

My wife now though is beginning to re-think some things because she has another daughter who is 12 now and will be coming up soon. She is also beginning to tire of the boyfriend drama. I was asking really though to see what was thought of having a boy stay over from your perspectives. I really appreciate the thoughts expressed. They are extremely helpful. Has opened my eyes to a few things. Thanks!

[/quote]

I think the boyfriend needs to earn his way back into the picture. He chose to drop out of school so now he has to prove there is a better way for him to be successful and take care of business. When he has done that he has earned the right to date this young woman.I'm sure your stepdaughter doesn't want to stand in the way of his growth to be a better man. Continuing a dating relationship may very well do that. Her Mom needs to be the one to explain this not you . Her Mom needs to be the primary one to teach her to have self respect in her choices of who to date. They should limit their contact while he is doing his work and she is doing hers. Mom has to work hard to see that she is being a Mom and not a friend to her daughters. Your support and counsel will be very appreciated by her I am sure.


#13

if the child lives in your home she has 2 parents.

if she lives with her mother, she has one parent with input

the daughter has NO input in this decision. her mother says NO, you say NO. dead issue


#14

If my 16 year old daughter had a boyfriend who was an 18 year old ne'er-do-well dropout? :eek:

He would not come within a mile of her, even if it took a TRO.

When they are 18 and 20, the differences will be much less, but now? Nothing good can com from this, can it?


#15

Where is stepdaughter’s dad on this? I know when I have something to say to my stepdaughter I usually say it unless it directly conflicts with my dh who is her father in which case we talk it over and come up with something we agree on. The only time I don’t really put my two cents in is when I disagree with her biological mother who is not really in the picture but when she is I feel that she has given her the gift of life and she deserves that proper respect. I allow the biological father to deal with any issues from her lest it become a cat fight and take away from what it is about - the child.


#16

Has anyone considered the possibility that if allowed to come the "boyfriend" won't leave? A few days can become a week...which can become 2...

...and while he's there (if he comes), will he do his own laundry? Bring his own soap? Wash the dishes? Kick OP a few bucks if he doesn't? My guess is, no to all of the above.

The 18YO has no reason to leave if allowed to come -- he apparently has nothing to go back to: no job, no family, no school, and no obligations. I second that he's a ne'er-do-well (and that's a cool term, too disused today). If you let him in, be prepared to have a de facto new family member. His own parents kicked him out. Do you really think he will up and leave voluntarily? Where will he be going back to?

Boyfriend and stepdaughter should both be told that any visitation is bad, and told that overnights will happen after they are married.

-VdT


#17

Excellent point VonDerTann. It would be a painful situation if you also have to “throw him out” i.e. ask him to leave because he won’t of his own accord. Then the 16 yr old could feel it’s fabulously romantic and that her boyfriend is a victim of uncaring adults and things get dicey.

Could you not say that the 16 yr old needs to “take a break” from this relationship until this young man has purpose in life?


#18

[quote="kage_ar, post:9, topic:194876"]
16 is too young to date, period. End this.

[/quote]

I'm surprised to read this. When I was a teen, my parents (very strict, very Catholic) allowed me to date at 16. This was, in fact, considered very old fashioned. What age would you consider a good age to be allowed to be able to date? Would you say adulthood?


#19

[quote="Rence, post:3, topic:194876"]
You say you are strict, but I wasn't allowed to date until I was 19. I don't understand why she is dating at 16. She should be studying for her ACT and looking at colleges...

[/quote]

I couldn't agree more. Her mom did allow her to date before she and I married. I have suggested a courting system but my wife -- while she agrees it's ideal -- believes it may not be realistic and won't stop her from dating.


#20

We have decided NO together. Her daughter was a bit upset but has gotten over it a little bit. The next step is to try to convince my step-daughter that this relationship is a dead-end one in its current form.

Thanks everyone for the help and moral support.


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