My stepson who is 30 and recently divorced after 1 year . Moved home with him mom and I . He has now been home for 2 years . Just recently like 2 weeks ago introduced me to his girlfriend , who happens to be like 3rd girlfriend that I’m aware of since his divorce . I today noticed from my security cameras outside , that he has been bringing his girlfriend home and sleeping with her . I confronted him and asked if he thought was ok. He said yes and asked me what I thought . I told him I disagree and he is setting a bad example for his younger brother who is 13 . I feel terrible for saying anything because he is a very fragile soul . Any advice for me ???
Older people have an obligation to set a good example for younger people
You need to have a discussion of what behavior is allowed in your home. A thirty year old sneaking his girlfriend in is acting like a child. He is not fragile enough to sneak her into your home. It is time for him to grow up and move on. You aren’t doing him any favors by letting him stay much longer in your home.
My opinion, for what it’s worth (I’m not Christian) is that…Your house, your rules. I’d simply tell him that his sexual life may not be my business but he’s more than welcome to get a motel room for behavior that that I don’t wish in my house.
This makes it clear that while you don’t approve of this, you also realize he is an adult and will do as he wishes. I’m pretty sure he already knew you’d not approve…that’s why he was acting like a teenager sneaking her in! Even though he is living in your home, house rules apply.
He is 30 years old and has already been out on his own in the past prior to his divorce. Also, he has had a full year to recover from whatever stresses (emotional, financial) were placed on him by the divorce. If he can’t abide by your “house rules”, such as not bringing his girlfriends home for hanky panky, then it’s time for him to move out.
At age 30 with a past marriage, he should be perfectly capable of finding and paying for his own apartment, or making some other arrangement such as spending the night at his girlfriend’s place or getting a motel for his “date nights”.
What does your wife (his mom) think?
She doesn’t want me to say anything. She says he’s an adult he can do what he wants. My concern is . I have a younger boy in the same house and I’m trying to set a good example for him as well as defend our faith.
Ughhh. What does she say when you mention that to her? I think the need to be protected from bad influences of a 30 year old should rank higher than your wife’s not wanting to upset her “sensitive son.”
And yes, he can do what ever he wants— in his own apartment. A failed marriage is no free pass to model bad behavior for a 13 year old.
As an adult, he cannot set fire to the couch when he wants to. That argument is silly, because the behavior is dangerous.
You perceive his actions as a danger to your younger son (I agree). As such, it needs to stop, or he needs to go.
And frankly, one cannot claim adulthood without acting like it, legal terms aside. Your wife is right in that he is an adult, but now he needs to act like one.
If he’s going to live like an adult, he should live like an adult. Time to nicely send him on his way. You have no obligation to allow his adult behavior under your roof.
Set the rules. If he doesn’t abide, invite him to move out. I gave my stepson five minutes to gather his things after the last straw. By the way, sixteen years later we get along great and he is married with twins. He once sent me a strange letter, but it included an apology and he recognizes I love his mother.
Big question here. Does he pay rent?
If so, then basically his room within your house is “his”, and your recourse would be to write new lease indicating no “sleepovers” that he would need to agree to.
If he doesn’t, then your house your rules.
Rent is an incredible “nudge” motivator that pushes millions of slumbering man child’s out of adolescents each day.
$600 dollars in a $1500 dollar market is like a million dollars to a man child.
House rules still need to apply, otherwise the strategy may not work.
Your wife needs to understand that independence is the second greatest gift you can give a child.
A divorce and three girlfriends that he treats as objects hint of major lifelong problems if he doesn’t grow up.
That’s nice to say, and it can apply, but when the tenant pays rent they now have rights as well. A change in rules, such as this, would need to be agreed upon and repercussion cannot just occur.
If the stepson does not pay rent…changing the rules is fair game.
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